Features

Saturday

Rod Liddle

Will the Press Complaints Commission send me hurtling into hell?

Rod Liddle fears he may be doomed — although the modern Church of Englandis reluctant to admit that anyone at all suffers eternal damnation Not so long ago, when I was making a film about some aspect of Christianity for Channel 4, I asked a Church of England bishop about the concept of heaven, what it was like up there, whether or not there was a Starbucks, would we all get our own rooms and is there WiFi etc. He looked at me as if I were mad. In fact, the expression on his face was exactly the same as when I put the same question to the science writer and paradoxically committed atheist Richard Dawkins. ‘Oh, good grief… I really wouldn’t bother yourself with any of that nonsense,’ he said, after ascertaining that I had asked my question in all seriousness.

Saturday

James Forsyth

The battle for Labour’s soul

Bloody civil war lies in store for the Labour party if it loses the election, says James Forsyth. Brown’s henchmen are hoping to keep power, with Ed Balls as the next leader. The Blairite resolve to play nice will be tested The public gallery of the House of Commons was unusually full on Monday afternoon. For the visitors kept behind the glass wall, the proceedings will have been particularly perplexing. A scandal had erupted: that of Stephen Byers and other Labour MPs caught offering their services to lobbyists. There was plenty of anger. Yet little of it was coming from the Tories, who restricted themselves to rather dull pro forma points. The venom was all coming from the Labour benches, who were turning on their own with a vengeance.

Ross Clark

Thank God for the NHS

American healthcare makes our system look good, writes Ross Clark. But however revolutionary Barack Obama’s health reforms are, Americans will still pay through the nose Had I a more devotional attachment to free-market economics I suppose I would be joining all those Republicans condemning Barack Obama’s health reforms. I have written enough about the failings of the NHS over the years to fill an entire symposium at a Washington think-tank. How tempting, then, to echo the sentiments spewing out of Fox News, predicting US bankruptcy and state-sponsored euthanasia. ‘Say no to totalitarianism,’ appealed Republican congressman Devin Nunes, not content with the charge of mere ‘socialism’ made by many of his colleagues.

Aidan Hartley

Will China kill all Africa’s elephants?

At first he was coy. ‘Yes my brother,’ Salim the dealer smirked. ‘How many kilos you want?’ It had taken us only a day to find a man in Tanzania who would sell us ivory tusks from poached elephants. We met Salim in a Dar es Salaam hamburger joint and the whole exchange was ridiculously easy. I asked him: ‘How many kilos have you got?’ ‘I have 50, 100, 200 kilo. How much you want?’ ‘How about 200 kilos?’ I challenged. Salim licked his lips. At Tanzanian prices, this was worth $24,000. On the international black market, it could fetch $200,000. That meant dozens of dead elephants.

Peter Hitchens

Cameron is a sham…

If the Conservative party were your refrigerator, all your food would go bad. If it were your car or bicycle, you would be stranded by the side of the road. If it were your accountant, you would be bankrupt. If it were your lawyer, you would be in prison. No commercial organisation or product so completely fails to fulfil the claims made on its packaging. The Conservative party claims to stand for national independence, tradition, law and order, rigorous education, low taxation and light regulation, strong armed forces, the family and marriage. Its very name commits it to the defence of the Union of England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland.

Bruce Anderson

…No, he will be a great PM

It is almost impossible to compare a mere Leader of the Opposition to our greatest peacetime Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher. But three points should be borne in mind. The first is that back in 1979, no one was predicting that Mrs Thatcher would become a world-famous figure. She was governing a troubled nation with a divided Cabinet. Although she heaped scorn on the defeatist sophisticates who thought that the best any government could achieve was the orderly management of decline, would scorn be enough? The idea that this woman would help to win the Cold War while bringing the unions within the rule of law and the nationalised industries within the laws of economics, as well as cutting income tax to 1930s levels; in 1979, that would not have sounded like prophecy.

Rod Liddle

This is far worse than MPs’ expenses

Stephen Byers either pimped himself out to big business and betrayed the electorate, or he didn’t, in which case he made fraudulent claims, says Rod Liddle. Either way, the public won’t tolerate this level of corruption I once fell into conversation with a whore, up on Streatham Hill in south London. A long time ago now; back then, in the early 1980s, it was a renowned red-light district. You’d look out of your window at night and see a street full of parked cars bouncing up and down, as if they were in a weird theme park. Whoreworld©. Most of us who lived there were propositioned from time to time, which always made me feel useful and wanted. Anyway, one time I engaged some rather worn-out old hag in a pious and cringing (on my part) conversation about her trade.

Leah McLaren

Know your onions

James Wong may not yet be a household name but he does have trouble getting through the checkout line at Sainsbury’s. As the presenter of BBC2’s Grow Your Own Drugs, the 28-year-old’s fame is fast on the rise. In a nutshell, he is the Jamie Oliver of plant-based medicine: affable, competent, with a cheeky glint in his eye. While Oliver can inspire even the laziest housewife to whip up a simple Italian supper, so too Wong possesses the telegenic power to make a sceptical, black-thumbed gal want to heal herself naturally. After watching his latest series, I found myself out on my rainy terrace furiously pruning a shrivelled potted rosemary for clippings to mix with organic wine, thus creating a foolproof tincture to improve short-term memory and ward off dementia.

Saturday

Alexander Waugh

Housing estates are killing our countryside

The government says that 240,000 new homes a year are needed in England, but it’s a lie, says Alexander Waugh, evidenced by every estate agent’s window in the country. This policy means that government and developers win, while communities and the country lose How do you describe your sexual orientation? Please tick: Bisexual, Gay, Heterosexual, Lesbian? Do you identify yourself as transgender? Yes? No? If yes, are you a male-to-female tranny, or a female-to-male one?

Nick Herbert

Hands off our green belt

It didn’t take long for the people of West Sussex to work out that inserting the word ‘eco’ before ‘town’ in order to promote a new development was no more than greenwash. It didn’t take long for the people of West Sussex to work out that inserting the word ‘eco’ before ‘town’ in order to promote a new development was no more than greenwash. Developers had been trying to build on greenfield land near the historic town of Arundel for some time, so when Brown began to mention ‘eco-towns’ they seized on the idea. The tiny village of Ford was to be transformed not into a new town, but into an eco-town.

Interconnect

Pull down the pylons

One thing Britain does not need is more pylons. There are already legions of the metallic monsters stomping across our fields and hills — 22,000 of them in total — and 550 of these have colonised some of the loveliest countryside in Britain: across the Peak District; through the New Forest and the South Downs; along the North Wales coast. We should be dismantling these lines, as suggested by the excellent Campaign to Protect Rural England. We should be pulling down the pylons and running the cables underground or under the sea. But instead National Grid, supported by the government, is making plans to put up even more: another 12 new buzzing, high-voltage lines supported by hundreds more pylons looming over another 170 miles of England and Wales.

Sam Tanenhaus

Why American Jews are backing Obama

It seemed a classic diplomatic faux pas — the sort that begins in mutual embarrassment and soon descends into ominous bristling and then open recrimination. On 9 March, Vice President Joseph Biden, in Jerusalem on a mission to revive peace talks between Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and the Palestinians, made the expected pledge of ongoing American commitment to Israel’s security, only to be upstaged hours later when Israel’s interior minister, Eli Yishai, announced the construction of 1,600 new housing units in East Jerusalem, an ancestrally contentious zone. Netanyahu, pleading innocence, insisted he had no idea the announcement was coming.

Freddy Gray

‘I want to stand for parliament’

Piers Morgan talks to Freddy Gray about interviewing Gordon Brown, his horror at the prospect of a Tory government, and why he’s tempted to move into politics Piers Morgan comes across on television as the consummate new Briton: boorish yet charming, vulgar yet strangely elitist, at once chauvinist and cosmopolitan — an archetype of the Blair era. In person, he’s much the same. We meet in a pub, at his suggestion, and he orders a latte. He calls me ‘mate’, which is nice, and we settle down towards the back. Unfortunately, however, the amicability doesn’t last long.

Rod Liddle

The real scandal is that MPs are paid so little

Disgraced politicians should not be relentlessly persecuted, says Rod Liddle. We should address the problem of MPs’ expenses by raising their salaries instead I felt a little ashamed watching the Westminster Three — Elliot Morley, Jim Devine and David Chaytor — herded into a magistrates court to face charges of defrauding the taxpayer with their MPs expenses claims. Outside the court there were the usual maniacs howling at them, or grunting like pigs — one man even wore a pig’s head to drive home the point more forcefully. Can you imagine the sort of people who would do that? ‘Any plans for the day, dear?’ ‘Yes, I’m going to dress up as a pig and shout abuse at MPs.

Saturday

The Spectator

The Spectator Manifesto

David Cameron, should he become Prime Minister, has an urgent and momentous task – to transform Britain from top to toe. The Spectator gives him some pointers The key to great success is to follow great failure. David Cameron has this if little else in his favour if, as expected, he is Prime Minister in two months’ time. He may not have the majority he hoped for, but he will be able to command the government machine. Civil servants, for all their love of procrastination, will follow direct instructions. A Tory government can deliver them on the first day. This guide explains how, precisely, Britain can be transformed. The key is to demand, and expect, change at an urgent pace.

Allister Heath

Day one: getting us back in business

Dear Treasury Permanent Secretary, Good news: the nightmare is over. We both know that Gordon Brown is one of the greatest economic vandals ever to have resided in Downing Street. And to make Britain competitive again will require hard work. We can start immediately, and without the need for legislation. I’d like the following to be in place by the end of our first 100 days. 1) Please draw up plans for a two-year public sector pay freeze, and for a few billion pounds worth of immediate cuts. Rather than trimming spending across all departments, I’d like to axe entire programmes. These will include Sure Start, which would save £1.4 billion a year, and the NHS national programme for IT, saving £1.2 billion. The markets are watching us anxiously.

Interconnect

How to start saving Britain in ten minutes

The work begins Subject: No time to lose Date: Friday, 7 May 2010 14:28 From: David Cameron To: Sir Gus O'Donnell, Cabinet Secretary Dear Gus, The Queen has just invited me to form a government. I’m sending this on by BlackBerry in the car, because there is a degree of urgency. Our country has been badly broken by 13 years of bad government. There is, literally, not a moment to lose in fixing it. The Queen has asked me to govern for up to five years, and mentioned to me that her father saw our country win a world war in six years. Her point: that five years is plenty to save our nation. That is precisely what I intend to do. I may not have won the majority that I had hoped for. But I do not need legislation to achieve most of my reform plans: I can do this by email.

Chris Mullin

‘It’s the PM for you.’

Chris Mullin MP offers prospective junior ministers a survival guide to the ‘foothills’ of government Election Day plus four. Your party has just won a great victory. Having handed out the big jobs the new Prime Minister is taking a well-deserved weekend off. It is now Monday and you are anxiously awaiting The Call. For the past two years you have been diligently shadowing, let us say, the Europe portfolio as a junior member of the Foreign Affairs team. You know everything there is to know about the Lisbon Treaty and the Common Agricultural Policy, you maybe even speak a couple of European languages. You are raring to go.  At last, the moment comes. ‘Are you available to take a call from the Prime Minister?’ inquires a detached voice.

Antony Jay

When ‘Yes, Prime Minister’ means anything but

‘My appeal to the Home Secretary is most earnest. I believe that if ever there was a debt due to justice… that debt is one the Home Secretary should now pay.’ That was an impassioned plea by Sir Frank Soskice MP for the reopening of the Timothy Evans case. The home secretary’s reply was that it would serve no useful purpose. All very unremarkable. Except that the home secretary who rejected the appeal in 1965 was the same Sir Frank Soskice who had made it in 1961. For some reason this was not greeted with the level of public hilarity it deserved, but I remember reflecting that some very strange and potent magic must take place inside Whitehall, some mysterious inverted alchemy that can transmute gold into such base metal.

Interconnect

How to spot Sir Humphrey’s schemes

Apart from a loyal army and a strong police force, the primary requirements for political power are (a) legal authority, (b) taxation revenues, (c) organisational size and (d) permanent tenure of office. Politicians certainly do not have (c) and (d), and although they may have (a) and (b) in theory, those two have long been effectively appropriated in practice by the permanent officials. As a result a general election, which is presented as a choice as to which political party will run the country, is much closer to a contest between rival marketing consultancies pitching for the civil service account for the next five years.