Steerpike

Off to the highlight of Mr Steerpike’s 2013, the Westminster Dog of the Year competition, where the pedigree chums of our elected representatives lined up to compete for a prestigious place on the podium. With Jake Berry’s standard poodle Lola taking a break from the competition after competing three years in a row, someone was needed to fill the role of Westminster Poodle – and Alan Duncan’s Noodle was more than willing to fill Lola’s pawprints.  Although strictly a Cockapoo, so only half poodle (very on-trend, don’t you know), Noodle had gone all-out with her campaigning, even going so far at to write her very own ‘Dogifesto’.

Observe (above) one Mehdi Hasan in full flow on last night’s Question Time. Then look at the tweets below from the Mail’s Tim Shipman. Try not to cackle; it's rude. Mehdi Hasan, who so vociferously attacked the Daily Mail on Question Time, asked for a job in 2010 & praised the paper equally floridly — Tim Shipman (Mail) (@ShippersUnbound) October 4, 2013   @mehdirhasan to Paul Dacre, asking for a column: 'The Mail has a vitally important role to play in the national debate.' — Tim Shipman (Mail) (@ShippersUnbound) October 4, 2013   Mehdi Hasan told Paul Dacre: 'I admire your relentless focus on the need for integrity and morality in public life.

The conference is over but the mystery continues: are the Tories trying to help hardworking people or hard-working people? This, I assure you, has been the talk of the town, which is covered in slogans about 'hardworking people'. Mr Steerpike was unsure; so, having left his trusty copy of Chambers in London, he asked the education secretary, who he found skulking in the media centre after the PM’s speech, to adjudicate. Michael Gove was an unequivocal; an error had been made. ‘Austerity! We cannot even afford a hyphen,’ he quipped. Your correspondent thought that settled it. ‘You can trust Gove with spelling,’ he believed. But, alas, on returning home Mr S found that Chambers says… ‘hardworking’.

Our world has been rocked by revelations that Bridget Jones — described as 'the world's most famous literary singleton' — is now a widow. Her ex-husband Mark Darcy has left her with two children and a life lived through social media. Bridget is now obsessed with a toyboy called Roxter, a 29-year-old she met on Twitter. Pull yourself together, Bridget! The solution is obvious to Mr Steerpike (oh all right! Lady Steerpike was my inspiration). You must get hitched to your long-time, on-again-off-again love interest, the devilishly endearing Daniel Cleaver. Here's why: 1). If Hugh Grant reprises the movie character, at least it will keep him occupied. #hackedoff 2). Getting married again might qualify you for David Cameron's new tax break.