Steerpike

Ministers have spent the past 12 months in an almighty flap about how to stem a feared flood of Bulgarian and Romanian migrants once transitional controls on their freedom of movement lift. They've announced and re-announced measures on benefit tourism, housing and access to public services. But while they've been tinkering with these measures which may or may not make any difference to the number of people who do pitch up, they've managed to forget one very effective measure indeed. If only David Cameron had exclusively revealed to the worried press months ago that the best way of deterring an influx would be to deploy Home Affairs Committee chair Keith Vaz to personally patrol the UK border.

After a seasonal interlude, rival Tories are back to doing what they do best: warring over the heart and soul of the party. In the cuddly corner, we have Bright Blue; a think tank of hoody-huggers who are imploring the PM to be nice to immigrants. The Guardian has been purring with approval since Bright Blue’s director Ryan Shorthouse ‘specifically called for the Tory Party to adopt a Liberal-Conservative manifesto for the election’: ‘At the moment, the messaging is quite negative and uninspiring – it's not enough to win voters and gain momentum. We need to be more inspiring and bigger picture than that and we need a positive vision, not just pandering to prejudice and uncertainty and anger. There has been a surge in Ukip, but you can't outdo Ukip.

Tory Defence Minister Anna Soubry has never been famed for her delicate, flowery language. An MP recently complained to Mr Steerpike that he'd 'had to leave the smoking room after hearing her and Simon Burns banging on in there'. Today she took the smoking room language to Andrew Marr's sofa. After watching comedian Rory Bremner impersonate David Cameron, Ed Miliband and Nigel Farage, Soubry merrily chipped in that 'I always think he looks like somebody has put their finger up his bottom and he really rather likes it'.

Sanctimonious Lib Dem deputy leader Simon Hughes has accepted a government job, despite having said that he would not. Speculation about who might replace him reached fever pitch last night at the annual Nick Clegg bash, which is always a night to remember. Insiders deride the job as ‘talking to bearded activists about hemp soup’. It’s among the more tedious posts in Westminster; but someone has to do it to keep the Lib Dem grass roots sweet. Tories and right-wing yellows are still sore that Nick Clegg sacked dishy West Country MP Jeremy Browne during the last reshuffle, and #TeamJezza soon gained traction.

The campaigning backbench MP Robert Halfon was invited to say grace at the First Annual Margaret Thatcher Memorial Dinner at Churchill College, Cambridge on Saturday night. It's not often you get table thumping after a prayer: 'For what we are about to receive, may the Lord make us truly grateful for the free market that keeps the price of food down and competition forever and ever. Amen.' Amen to that.

The huge rift in the Home Affairs Select Committee was laid bare last week when Guardian editor Alan Rusbridger appeared before the committee to defend his decision to publish state secrets and to challenge criticism that he had endangered national security by doing so. Committee chairman Keith Vaz always enjoys being in the limelight. He took great pleasure in slapping down lawyer turned Tory MP Michael Ellis, who was getting very grumpy at proceedings and said that he would not let the hearing turn into ‘a Labour love in’. Vaz hit back later that day, saucily telling your humble correspondent that Ellis ‘just needs more sex’. When this was put to Ellis, the Tory said he that had the greatest respect for his chairman, ‘usually’.

Ed Miliband wanted agreement from the Prime Minister about MPs' pay today, but Mr Steerpike hears that the Labour leader is keen to strike agreement on another topic. After David Cameron revealed to the Spectator that he was a member of #TeamNigella, Labour sources whisper to Steerpike that Ed is 'definitely a member of #TeamNigella too'. So that just leaves Nick Clegg.

Where were you when the world remembered Nelson Mandela? David Cameron, Barack Obama and Helle Thorning Schmidt will always be able to answer that question with their memorial service selfie, snapped in the FNB Stadium in Johannesburg today. Michelle Obama seemed oddly reluctant to join in.

Mr Steerpike was among the throng that gathered at the East India Club on Thursday night to hear about the development of the Margaret Thatcher Centre, the project to perpetuate the legacy of Britain’s greatest post-war leader. Donal Blaney, the Thatcher Centre’s CEO, and Conor Burns MP invited the Lady’s ‘most fervent supporters’ to pledge £1,000 each in a ‘true sign appreciation to Lady Thatcher’. Blaney also explained why he is ‘devoting his life’ to the project, telling the predominantly male but surprisingly young crowd: ‘Lady Thatcher delivered; now it’s our turn.’ The organisers have drawn inspiration from the USA.