Q. My great-niece is to be married in a traditional church service next summer. I am dismayed to learn that she and her boyfriend plan to tell guests that they would appreciate a cash donation more than a wedding present. I am mortified that neither she nor her mother can see how inappropriate this is. How can I intervene without seeming to be bossy?
– Name and address withheld
A. There is no need to be bossy. You can help your family by reminding them of a pragmatic approach which will deliver better results. The truth is that couples who declare they would like cash instead of presents find the edict tends to backfire. People don’t want to give cash – they worry that what they give will seem either too little or too much. They don’t like the impotence of having no part in what it is spent on… so they hesitate and end up giving nothing. Yet with a physical wedding list, they can enjoy giving anything from a toaster worth £40 to a side table worth £400 and feel part of a team of well-wishers supplying the building blocks for the couple’s future life together. Advise that a wedding list – even if its contents have to go in the attic for ten years – will at least give a return to both guests and happy couple.
Q. When you have children in much later life, you rather depend on leaning on the pushchair to keep you steady as you go. My problem is that when I am walking outside with friends, they always want to push it themselves, probably for the same reason as I do. It seems hostile to deny them the chance, but neither do I want to expose my weakness by admitting that I actually need to lean on it. How do I stop this?
– Name and address withheld
A. Explain that your personal trainer has told you to maximise the potential of the pushchair handlebar as an exercise barre. You need to hang on to it yourself so that, as you go, you can subtly factor in key exercises such as pliés for glute and pelvic-floor maintenance.
Q. Invitations have multiplied since old friends from London have relocated to Somerset, where I live. I feel over-pressured but if I say I can’t do something I inevitably run into people and they see I could have been free. What should I do?
– T.D., Bruton, Somerset
A. Even if you don’t write or paint, suggest that you have a creative project on and reply to invitations with ‘Sadly I’ve got to work that day/night.’ If pressed for details, reply ‘Don’t ask. It’s probably pointless. I’d rather not talk about it.’ Then if you run into someone during the time you might have been socialising, say ‘I must rush back home. I’m working.’
Write to Dear Mary at dearmary@spectator.co.uk.
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