Manners

Q. My problem concerns lavatory usage. I have been staying with some new, much younger, friends who live on the south coast. We share literary connections and have a lot to say to one another. It has all been rather joyful. Unfortunately, however, there is only one lavatory there and it has no lock on its door. I would happily pay for a lock to be installed but, at my age, hesitate to set this rather glamorous young couple thinking too much about my use of their lavatory. So I say nothing and this means I tend to stay one night only, when I have usually been invited for two. Please advise, Mary. – Name and address withheld A. No need to make a song and dance about this inconvenience. Simply walk into any hardware store and purchase a door wedge for around £5.

Q. My boyfriend and I have moved in with his parents for six weeks for various reasons. His mother is quite dominant in the kitchen, which is fine because I work full-time from home and she does all the meals, except I keep finding hairs in her cooking. It’s such an unpleasant feeling knowing there’s a hair in your mouth, but when I picked one out the other night I glimpsed her rolling her eyes at her husband. She has two dogs and I’m unsure if they’re dog or human hairs. I’ve calculated I will be sitting down for approximately 70 more meals with them. Can you help? – Name and address withheld A. No woman should even hint at any problems in her mother-in-law’s cooking. It will backfire big-time. Pretend not to notice any further hairs.

Q. At a recent party I walked over to chat to my friend’s father. Because he was clearly wobbly (he’s about 90), I got two chairs for us to sit on. After a while I was keen to circulate but no one else came over to speak – probably because they, rightly, assumed that if they did I would take the chance to get up and leave them with him. It was suddenly time to go to our tables for supper and I ended up not having spoken to anyone else. What could I have done?– O.M., Burnham Overy Staithe A. You could have waved at an imaginary person behind your interlocutor. ‘Hello!’ you could have cried into the absence. Then springing up say: ‘Excuse me for a moment. I can see X wants to come and say hello.

Q. If flirting is out of the question, is there another way to show someone you like them? My situation was a lunch at which a really attractive girl was on my right, but on her right was a man who obviously fancied her too. Because this man had shown interest in investing in my start up, I didn’t want to compete with him and wreck the chances of his coming on board. So I played it cool and she left without any idea I was interested in her. How could I have handled this better? – Name and address withheld A. When the other man had safely turned, you should have made up a fictional book title and asked the girl e.g. ‘Have you ever read “Bertha” by Deirdre Squill?

Q. I am a lifelong fan of J.K. Rowling’s work. I have read and watched everything she’s written and am so looking forward to December when the forthcoming new Harry Potter TV series drops. My problem is that I’ve moved into a flat with a close friend who disagrees strongly with J.K.’s views on gender and has pleaded with me to commit to not watching the new series on ethical grounds. I can neither lie to my flatmate nor bear to forfeit something that will bring me so much happiness that it would be no exaggeration to say that it will give me a reason to live. – P.R., Edinburgh A. You can resolve this by taking a tip from guilty Greens, who buy carbon credits from bodies such as the non-profit Atmosfair to offset the eco damage of flights they have taken.

Q. As an avid reader of your column, I was hoping you might be able to help. I sadly lost my wife last year but have been lucky enough to have found a new love. Her husband also died last year. We have known each other for ages and all our children are friends, but my problem is how do I introduce her to friends? I don’t like ‘partner’ or ‘other half’ and I feel that we are too old for ‘girlfriend/boyfriend’. What do you suggest? – Name and address withheld A. One recently matched sixtysomething singleton from the Exeter area refers to his new romantic interest as his ‘handler’. He points out that she fulfils very much the same role as do professional handlers working with high-profile individuals, namely managing, protecting and escorting.

Q. My brother and I have bought a flat together in central London. It was expensive but we will save a fortune over time through not having to take taxis. Now we are in our new pristine flat we realise we don’t want whatever there is on London pavements being tramped through it, so we take our shoes off at the door. Male friends seem happy to slip their footwear off, but girls who have come in high heels don’t want to take them off. My mother says it’s because they are worried about their legs ‘looking stumpy’ but whatever, they really don’t seem able to relax without them. What should I do? The plastic surgical overshoes you have recommended in the past don’t work with heels. – Name withheld, London SW1 A.

Q. My boyfriend’s family live in a very pretty Georgian house in the country. The family park their cars at the back of the house by the kitchen, where they tend to congregate. Guests park at the front where the door is unlocked occasionally for their arrival. I am now regularly the only non-family member staying. I know they are of the view that the house looks better without cars in front of it, and my Golf sitting there alone like a mini cab adds little to the elevation. Yet swinging round to the back feels like a land grab. Should I be presumptuous and risk frightening him off before a second Christmas? – Name and address withheld A. Parking at the back of the house would certainly signal a symbolic promotion but promotions are not in your gift.

Q. We have made friends with a very unpopular local man and would like to skewer the myths about him by inviting others to meet him. The background is that we moved to the country from London last year so our children could go to a decent (free) day school and consequently our social life has very much centred on fellow parents. But over the summer we have been seeing our neighbouring landowner, also a newcomer, who we had been told was poisonous company. We have found him adorable! My husband resents the idea that, if we invite him to a supper party, we should have to run his name past other potential guests as though asking for permission to include him. But not warning people he will be there could lead to awkwardness on the night. What do you advise?

Q. We have a granddaughter, aged 21, living in our basement. We see a lot of her and her boyfriend. Our problem is that the boyfriend has a terrible habit of blowing his nose in front of one, during a conversation, using a tiny tissue, and taking far too long. Our granddaughter is at the stage where she would dismiss my concerns as ‘snobbery’, but since he has been job-seeking without success, I feel he should know this habit is off-putting. What can I do? – Name and address withheld A. Have a small group to drinks and include the couple. Mention that you will shortly be meeting some Japanese people and have been reading up on aspects of Japanese etiquette. Then add: ‘But just as well that I did!

Q. I have a good relationship with a neighbour. She has a labrador and I have a Jack Russell. If I cannot walk my dog she will do it and vice versa. Yesterday my daughter visited unexpectedly and was at the top of the house when she heard my neighbour open the front door and call my dog for his walk. Five minutes later she heard the dog being returned to the house. I don’t want to fall out with my neighbour but I would always walk her labrador for at least 45 minutes and my dog needs a proper walk every day. How should I proceed? – N.B., Stockbridge A. Fitness trackers for dogs are all the rage – attached to the collar, they count steps and provide GPS tracking.

Q. I have inherited a small estate which includes a few houses in my village. I was initially very pleased when a friend from my London days saw I was selling one of the best homes and bought it. Now this friend is putting pressure on me to let him fence off a piece of an adjoining field that would give him a much bigger garden and make all the difference to his enjoyment of his house. He is willing to pay whatever I ask. I’m not sure why – but I simply don’t want to let him have more land. How can I say no without incurring resentment? – Name and address withheld A. It is only natural for you to recoil from any competitively sized properties suddenly manifesting in your own village.

Q. A woman I have known for many years and who helped look after my mother has just had her leg amputated. One Saturday this month, she is out of hospital and is throwing a late birthday party at her farm with a hog roast etc to celebrate. However, I have invited a schoolfriend to stay that weekend, and she has pancreatic cancer. Would it be very rude to go to the party for a short time? I have a charming, polite, gay man as my other house guest to keep my schoolfriend company. – E.S., Sussex A. Never underestimate the fun of spending unsupervised time in someone else’s house. Your guests would be delighted if you went out to a party. However, don’t be tempted to raise the topic of rival health conditions and which one trumps which. There could be no useful outcome.

Q. A few years ago friends from New Zealand came to stay with us for what they said would be the final time. To commemorate their many visits over the years they brought with them a quite large ceramic replica of our house which they had commissioned. It had been made to hang on a wall. It was so kind – but Mary, it was not a thing of beauty. Indeed the sight of it rather put us off our own house. Of course, we pretended to be thrilled but my husband got rid of it at a charity shop once they had left. Now they have been in touch to say they are doing ‘one last trip’. They are bound to ask to see where we have hung it. Help please, Mary! – Name and address withheld A.

Q. When guests are leaving our house they sometimes ask: ‘Would you like me to strip my bed?’ The truthful answer is often: ‘No, because you are very clean and only stayed one night and I may decide to reuse your bed for one of the hulking slob friends of my son who stay.’ But if I say this, the guest might wonder if they went into ‘pre-used’ sheets. Worst-case scenario, they do not ask and turn up downstairs with an armful of bedding. What should I do? – C.W., Stoke Abbott, Dorset A. When asked by a guest if they should strip the sheets, reply: ‘Please don’t. Our daily has such little self-esteem as it is, she would really mind if you cheated her of the whole job.’ Q.

Q. I am 26 and my problem is that I have four girlfriends. None of them knows about the other three. The background is that my previous girlfriend told me constantly how awful I am. Now that I have found four other girls, all of whom seem to think I am terrific, I am loath to give up any of them while my self-esteem is recovering. I have had about three or four dates with each one and I know I’m getting into deeper water each week. What would you recommend? – Name and address withheld A. It’s all very well for you to be rebuilding your self-esteem but there’s an unsavoury Hugh Hefner, dehumanising vibe about juggling four love interests.

Q. A gang of us have rented a house in Portugal. We have all been friends since school, but one of the boys has a girlfriend, whom we like except for the fact that she is in the habit of treating waiters badly. There is nothing that makes a table more uncomfortable than one member of the party being rude towards the people who are trying to help, and we are looking at a week of dinners in restaurants with her making us all nervous. Whenever we have begged her to stop, she ploughs on anyway saying that no one should let poor service or substandard food ruin their evening and we all need to be like her and ‘kick ass’. What can we do? – P.T., Streatham, SW16 A. Nowadays when you make an online booking there is an option to add a message for the restaurant in advance.

Q. I work at a magazine and am occasionally (and perhaps with increasing frequency) sent articles that strike me as having been written by AI, or at least with significant help from AI. They are often almost too polished and are fluent but lack much personality. What is the best way to determine whether this might be the case without offending the author if it is not? There is software that says it can spot the hand of AI, but I’m not sure it is very effective. – L.C.P., London SW1 A. University students may soon have to write essays under human supervision. By the same token, you might tell suspect writers that they must in future look you in the eye as they read their submission aloud over Zoom, with an AI detection filter in place. They will soon learn to use their own brain.