Etiquette

‘Oh, why do the middle classes feel they must bring a present?’ Those words were spoken by Lady Charteris when she was the wife of the Provost of Eton and a dinner-party guest arrived clutching a bottle of wine. The scene took place between 1984 and 1992, when Andrew Boggis (who recalled it in a Times obituary addendum) was Master in College. The conventions of dinner-party arrival have changed beyond recognition in the ensuing 40 years. What was seen as a ‘middle-class’, ‘common’ or ‘naff’ act in the late 1980s is now the done thing. To arrive at a friend’s house for lunch or supper without a present for the hostess would seem lazy and mean.

Q. My boyfriend’s family live in a very pretty Georgian house in the country. The family park their cars at the back of the house by the kitchen, where they tend to congregate. Guests park at the front where the door is unlocked occasionally for their arrival. I am now regularly the only non-family member staying. I know they are of the view that the house looks better without cars in front of it, and my Golf sitting there alone like a mini cab adds little to the elevation. Yet swinging round to the back feels like a land grab. Should I be presumptuous and risk frightening him off before a second Christmas? – Name and address withheld A. Parking at the back of the house would certainly signal a symbolic promotion but promotions are not in your gift.

Q. We have a granddaughter, aged 21, living in our basement. We see a lot of her and her boyfriend. Our problem is that the boyfriend has a terrible habit of blowing his nose in front of one, during a conversation, using a tiny tissue, and taking far too long. Our granddaughter is at the stage where she would dismiss my concerns as ‘snobbery’, but since he has been job-seeking without success, I feel he should know this habit is off-putting. What can I do? – Name and address withheld A. Have a small group to drinks and include the couple. Mention that you will shortly be meeting some Japanese people and have been reading up on aspects of Japanese etiquette. Then add: ‘But just as well that I did!

Q. I have inherited a small estate which includes a few houses in my village. I was initially very pleased when a friend from my London days saw I was selling one of the best homes and bought it. Now this friend is putting pressure on me to let him fence off a piece of an adjoining field that would give him a much bigger garden and make all the difference to his enjoyment of his house. He is willing to pay whatever I ask. I’m not sure why – but I simply don’t want to let him have more land. How can I say no without incurring resentment? – Name and address withheld A. It is only natural for you to recoil from any competitively sized properties suddenly manifesting in your own village.

Q. A few years ago friends from New Zealand came to stay with us for what they said would be the final time. To commemorate their many visits over the years they brought with them a quite large ceramic replica of our house which they had commissioned. It had been made to hang on a wall. It was so kind – but Mary, it was not a thing of beauty. Indeed the sight of it rather put us off our own house. Of course, we pretended to be thrilled but my husband got rid of it at a charity shop once they had left. Now they have been in touch to say they are doing ‘one last trip’. They are bound to ask to see where we have hung it. Help please, Mary! – Name and address withheld A.

Q. I am 26 and my problem is that I have four girlfriends. None of them knows about the other three. The background is that my previous girlfriend told me constantly how awful I am. Now that I have found four other girls, all of whom seem to think I am terrific, I am loath to give up any of them while my self-esteem is recovering. I have had about three or four dates with each one and I know I’m getting into deeper water each week. What would you recommend? – Name and address withheld A. It’s all very well for you to be rebuilding your self-esteem but there’s an unsavoury Hugh Hefner, dehumanising vibe about juggling four love interests.

Q. I work at a magazine and am occasionally (and perhaps with increasing frequency) sent articles that strike me as having been written by AI, or at least with significant help from AI. They are often almost too polished and are fluent but lack much personality. What is the best way to determine whether this might be the case without offending the author if it is not? There is software that says it can spot the hand of AI, but I’m not sure it is very effective. – L.C.P., London SW1 A. University students may soon have to write essays under human supervision. By the same token, you might tell suspect writers that they must in future look you in the eye as they read their submission aloud over Zoom, with an AI detection filter in place. They will soon learn to use their own brain.

Q. Around this time of year a friend, who somehow gets hold of tickets through an agency, usually asks me last minute to Wimbledon. The trouble is that when she asks me it’s hard to gather whether or not she has managed to secure good seats because she doesn’t offer up this information. One year was perfection as we had shaded middle-tier seats, but last year we had an obstructed (pillar) view and I would rather have watched at home. I am sure there are those among her friends who would love to be there in any kind of seat so how, without sounding ungrateful or spoilt, can I ascertain what’s on offer before accepting? – H.S., London SW6 A. First familiarise yourself with the court layouts and seat numbers. Then, if she invites, say: ‘What an incredible coincidence.

Q. Mary, can you rule on an aspect of private jet etiquette? I have been invited to a house party in the west of Ireland –however my host has cautioned against my asking for a lift in the private jet of a couple on the guest list as he says it will ‘look like sponging’. It seems absurd for them not to give me a lift, given that we would be going from the same county at the same time. And presumably we have been invited to the same house party because we are likely to get on. I hardly know this couple, but they are Suffolk neighbours and I know their land address. How can I bring about an invitation to travel with them? – H.K., Woodbridge, Suffolk A. Unless you can engineer running into them and they offer, without your prompting, you should not lobby them.

Q. I have been working in a large restaurant alongside a very attractive, although shy, girl. I live near the restaurant and she has come back for drinks on a few occasions. She seems to enjoy my company but I have been too feeble to take things further. I fear that if she does not find me attractive, I could ruin our friendship by making a move. What should I do? – Name withheld, London W6 A. Step one: buy a Feverscan thermometer. This liquid crystal strip is held on to one person’s forehead by another, thus requiring a degree of physical intimacy. Step two: ask the girl to your flat along with another colleague. When they arrive, act slow-witted and say you are feeling odd.

Q. When I left university I set up a WhatsApp group with several male friends to cover our interest in flat racing and to share tips and articles on trainers etc. Since then two group members have married and asked me to add their wives, which I felt obliged to do. Sorry to say this but the wives have dumbed down the whole group with their annoying comments. I suspect another member will soon be asking me to add his partner. I want to put a message on saying the vibe has changed and let’s revert to the original members, but how can I do it tactfully? – Name and address withheld A. No need to say anything. Simply start another WhatsApp group, adding only the original members and just start posting.

Q. I was lunching at a writers’ club in Lexington Street. It is a small but agreeable space. At one of the eight tables was seated a woman shrieking sporadically with loud, hyena-like laughter. This passive-aggressive behaviour was ruining the normally congenial atmosphere. The only member of staff present was a young pop-up waitress who did not feel mandated to act. As one of the oldest members I should have said something, but what? – P.R., London W1 A. To advise on this issue, I turned to supreme restaurateur Jeremy King. ‘Rather than the woman being passive-aggressive, I normally find this behaviour is borne out of narcissistic insecurity and attention-seeking,’ observes King, whose latest achievement is the revamped Simpson’s in the Strand.

Q. My husband worked in an office for 25 years and now works from home. As well as the interaction with colleagues, he clearly misses hearing the sound of his own voice. I sympathise, but during the day I obviously need to tell him various things, and almost as soon as I begin to speak he starts interrupting with fatuous prompts such as ‘And then what did he say?’ or ‘And did you tell him you were wondering when he was going to ring up?’ When he keeps interrupting, I lose the thread of my message. How can I keep things pleasant? – S.R., London W12 A. Next time you have some facts which need to be conveyed, open a file on your computer and type out what you would say were you not to be interrupted.

Q. I’m an artist and work from home painting people’s pets from photographs. While working I take a lot of FaceTime calls from friends, with my phone on a stand. My problem is that my husband is in the racing world, and when they glimpse him in the background they want to ask him for tips. How can I say ‘Sorry he is too busy’ without sounding rude? – Name withheld, Newmarket A. FaceTime offers ‘Portrait mode’ which blurs the background while keeping you in focus. Tap the screen, then the effects option, then ‘Enable portrait’. While this will not fully hide background objects, it makes details harder to see.

Q. I went to a party last weekend and my father asked me to go and introduce myself if I saw a certain woman there. When I saw her I knew from my father’s description (unusual facial features) she was the person and I went to say hello. Embarrassingly she said something like: ‘You are clever, how did you know it was me?’ How should I have handled this? – S.H., Ludlow, Salop A. Had she already been in a conversational cluster, you might have replied: ‘My father told me you would be easy to find because you would be the person with most people wanting to talk to you.’ Were she alone you could have asserted: ‘My father said you would be easy to find as you would be the person here with the most charisma.’ Q.

Q. Like many women of a certain age, I’m ‘on the pen’. I’ve lost about 20lb on Mounjaro, which I judge to be enough. However, the friend who urged me and many others to try it has lost more than 60lb. Not only does she have the dreaded Mounjaro face – deeply lined – but she wears short, sleeveless dresses that reveal arms and legs that are, bluntly, not those of a 20-year-old. Mary, I have always felt that tight garments are both unflattering and vulgar. I am also anxious because this well-meaning friend has become a subject of private mockery for turning herself from a voluptuous size 18 beauty to a haggard size 10. How can I tactfully suggest that she needsa bit more flesh? – C.P., London NW1 A.