Steerpike

The unusual sound of a toast to Gordon Brown echoed around a Parliamentary dining room earlier this week. Don't get carried away: George Eustice was hosting a dinner for his alma mater Truro School, where the new headmaster is unfortunately cursed with the name of Andrew Gordon-Brown. There is still no sign of the real McCoy in these parts. Also missing from the dinner was Danny Alexander's special adviser Julia Goldsworthy, another former pupil of Truro. The fact that Eustice beat her for their local Cornwall seat by just 66 votes in 2010 might have something to do with that.

To the gardens alongside Parliament, where MPs and their mutts lined up this morning in a bid to win the coveted title of Westminster Dog of the Year. Miniature Dachshunds appear to be the dog du jour among Tory MPs, with three of them competing to be crowned top dog. However, their short legs put them at a disadvantage in the Doggy Dash, while the rain left them shivering miserably in the corner. At times Essex bitch Joni (the only dog there to have marched at last weekend’s TUC rally, with owner Jon Cruddas) and Lindsay Hoyle’s Gordon looked as if they might be about to treat onlookers to a repeat performance of last week’s cat fight in Downing Street -  it seems no one had told them they were on the same team (Labour, that is).

Plenty of newspapers have been following the scent of my magazine report that Lynton Crosby is about to return to the Tory fold. Here’s something to help them along. One Tory government source tells me that the Tory leadership ‘are trying to twist his arm’ because ‘there's a recognition that he would bring some focus, discipline and clarity to the campaign that was missing last time.’ My Whitehall whisperer says that negotiations have been going on for some time. Apparently, the biggest impediment is not George Osborne, who would have to surrender control of election strategy, but Crosby’s exorbitant fees.

Conor Burns, the Conservative MP who resigned from the government over Lords reform, is livid with Nick Clegg’s smug declaration that the Liberal Democrats are not going to abstain from the Tories’ vote on electoral boundaries but actively vote with the opposition. It's revenge on Burns and his cohort of true blues for killing the yellows’ beloved Lords reform bill earlier in the year; and it suggests that the rulebook has gone out the window: ‘It appears to prove what many have long feared: it’s one rule for the Conservatives, who have to resign or be sacked to vote against the government, and another rule for the Deputy Prime Minister who just has to have a hissy fit.’ Two days after recess and the gloves are off again.

Under the alias ‘Director General of the Russell Group’, a certain Dr Wendy Piatt has slammed the government’s policy on student visas. In a quote to the Independent, she warns: ‘as ministers crack down on abuse of the system, they must be careful about the messages they send to the world's best and brightest students.’ Surely this cannot be the same Dr Piatt who rose through the ranks of Tony Blair’s favourite think tank, IPPR, before being seconded to the Labour team at the Department of Education in 2002? The same Dr Piatt who later became a senior Downing Street aide under the Labour government? We should be told! Her Labour links do not end there.

The press officer for the Cairngorms National Park turned Chief Secretary to the Treasury faces constant accusations that he has gone 'native', owing to the relish with which he has taken to his job of slashing the state. He did himself few favours in that regard by speaking at a fringe event at the Tory conference last night. He was mobbed in the lobby of the Hyatt hotel when he arrived. And perhaps he should have expected the cries of 'are you joining Danny?' that greeted him. The episode greatly amused the Tories, especially one minister who cruelly whispered to me: 'He's more popular with us than he is in his own party'.

What gift do you buy for a man who has it all? It would be hard enough to pick a forty-sixth birthday present for the multi-millionaire David Cameron even if he were not the prime minister; but the fact that he is one of the leaders of the free world makes it even trickier. Boris went with the gift of loyalty this morning, managing to get the conference floor to eat out of the palms of his hands and also heap praise on David Cameron. 'If I am a mop, Dave, then you are the broom... sweeping away the mess left by Labour.' George Osborne is the 'dustpan' in Boris’s cleaning cupboard; I bet he’ll love that. There are physical presents, too. I hear that an old staff list from the Conservative Research Department in the early nineties has been dug out.

Officially the Tories are denying that UKIP is a threat to them. A private discussion with the party chairman about obstacles to a majority in 2015 held last night contained no mention of Farage's merry men. Yet it seems that Central Office might actually be a little more paranoid than they are letting on. The fringe hosted a panel debate this morning simply tilted 'Does UKIP pose a threat?' The Parliament Street think tank had invited a prominent UKIP member to challenge senior Tories on the matter. The only problem was that said UKIPper was told, just hours before the event, that their pass had been withdrawn and access to the conference denied. Clearly the 'kippers are no a threat at all.