Steerpike

Twice Booker prize winner Hilary Mantel was trying to give the media a warning about their treatment of the Duchess of Cambridge, yet her blunt choice of ‘machine made’ and ‘plastic’ has upset the easily upset this morning. She has also revealed an insight into the tastes and mindset of our dear leader. Mantel’s words, in context, appeared in the London Review of Books, but the distorted version was splashed across the front-page of middle-England’s favourite news source. Weighing into the issue from India, the PM decried the 'hurtful' comments he had clearly only seen in the Daily Mail. In a further sign of dumbing down, he even referred to the Duchess as Princess Kate. Not the greatest intervention, Prime Minister.

To Simpson’s-in-the-Strand this afternoon for The Oldie of the Year Awards (the ‘Tootys’ for short), which were presented by Sir Terry Wogan. The guest list read like a Tatler bash in the late 70s. Debonair Peter Bowles charmed anything that walked by him. Naughty Jilly Cooper chatted amiably to all and sundry about nothing and everything. Eileen Aitkens and Geoffrey Palmer rubbed shoulders with Joan Bakewell. Barry Cryer’s dirty laugh could be heard over the gentle conversation of Dennis Norden, Tony Blackburn, Simon Hoggart and Richard Ingrams. A boozy lunch passed without incident, and then it was time to stay awake for Wogan. He began by saying that Ingrams, the Oldie’s editor, was not planning to follow the Pope into retirement.

I do like a Shard story. My recent revelations about the prevalence of hanky panky at the top of the tower graced every national paper. Now I hear that the tower has become a giant pawn in a bitter property battle. The word is that one of the many members of the Qatari royal family, who are currently buying up most of London, is locked in a bidding war with the Duke of Westminster for one of the tower's larger apartments. The Shard is the perfect vantage point from which to survey one's vast estates in central London. I understand that the duke is not enjoying the new competition.

Welcome Rt Rev Justin Welby, who became the 105th Archbishop of Canterbury this morning at St Pauls. The Church of England’s first tweeting ABC has been a bit quiet online of late, but that hasn’t stopped us nosy parkers getting a glimpse into life behind the scenes of this most holy transition. If Welby’s twenty-something daughter Katherine is anything to go by the flaws in process have not gone unnoticed: ‘Off to St Paul’s today for the confirmation of election. Anywhere else in the world an ‘election’ that had only 1 candidate it was illegal to vote against would be called corruption.’ Well quite, but it’s not all self-flagellation.

The new Intercontinental Hotel in Westminster seems determined to become the chosen haunt for the political great and good. The swanky hotel has opened its doors — and more importantly its late hours bar — to the Village. Cabinet Ministers and media luvvies have been spotted conspiring long into the night. I also hear that one leading conservative-supporting website was recently given free rein for the evening for less than a thousand pounds. The bar’s decor is stuffed with political photographs and Spitting Image puppets, as you might expect; but whoever commissioned the greatest works of Gerald Scarfe, which stretch along an entire wall, must be hoping that this week’s rumpus is soon forgotten.

There has been much hilarity in the wake of the abdication of Queen Beatrix. The obvious comparisons between Willem-Alexander of Orange and our own Prince Charles have been laboured elsewhere; but I was reminded this morning of the Queen’s response to the another Dutch abdication in 1980. The story goes that Her Majesty’s Press Secretary telephoned her to report that Queen Juliana had just abdicated, to which Brenda replied: 'typical Dutch’, before promptly hanging up. Seasoned Royal watchers will know that Elizabeth frowns on abdication, not least as a dereliction of duty, but also due to the impact it had on her own father.

Journalist Iain Overton is back, in a way. The former head of the Bureau of Investigative Journalism is due to cash in at journalism luvvies’ favourite haunt, the Frontline Club. Overton, who resigned following the Lord McAlpine affair at the end of last year, will be sharing his tips of the trade for a bargain sum of just £150. ‘Investigative Journalism with Iain Overton’ is a one day course that ‘will introduce you to life as an investigative journalist.’ Now you too can learn golden rules like ‘showing the victim pictures of the subject’ and ‘calling up the person you are about to smear on national TV before you go on air’. What could possibly go wrong?