Steerpike

Fancy a cheeky chew on Chuka, a bite of Balls or a munch on Miliband? At last night's Sky party at Labour conference, the Shadow Cabinet were out in force - on macaroons, presumably to help with the cost of pudding crisis for hardworking people. Those around Miliband often get sniped at for being weak, but these macaroons were crunchy and had plenty of bite. Bizarrely, Eric Pickles gatecrashed the party at one point, albeit in slightly less robust form than usual: The question is, who is the least tasty shadow minister? Mr Steerpike's bakery source says it was the Shadow Business Secretary who ended up lingering longest on the cake stand.

Upon leaving the Celebrity Big Brother house, Benefits Street star and Spectator contributor White Dee - also known as Deirdre Kelly - threatened to give ‘David Cameron a run for his money,’ and she's true to her word. Fresh from this year's Channel Five finale, Dee is about to enter a different sort of mad house full of self-obsessed prima donnas: Tory Party conference. Tory MP Mark Hoban has been nominated to debate Dee, after Esther McVey - another former telly star - chickened out of the showdown organised by Policy Exchange. Unlike McVey to dodge an opportunity for publicity.

Ed Balls playing football each year at Labour conference is almost as big as Ed Balls Day. The Shadow Chancellor always participates enthusiastically in the annual hacks vs MPs match. Sometimes, he's a little too enthusiastic. Like today, when he accidentally wounded lobby journalist Rob Merrick. Still, the pair made up by the end of the match. Those who predict the General Election campaign will be a bloody battle were more correct than they could ever have imagined.

There is a certain irony in the fact that Miliband is protecting his party’s Scottish advantage by accusing the Prime Minister of allowing ‘this moment to be used for narrow party political advantage’. Rejecting Cameron’s plans for English votes for English laws, Labour have rushed out plans for ‘a full Constitutional Convention rooted in our nations and regions, to address the need for further devolution in England and political reform of Westminster.’ Form an orderly queue.

Former Newsnight correspondent Paul Mason seems rather happy to be free of Auntie, especially since the Scottish independence referendum campaign sent the establishment to panic stations: ‘Not since Iraq have I seen BBC News working at propaganda strength like this. So glad I'm out of there,’ he writes on his Facebook page, to the consternation of former colleagues. ‘It's on my friends-only Facebook page so not meant as any great statement other than weariness,' Mason tells Mr S, 'it says what it says.' Lucky, then that he is now at Channel Four News – that famed bastion of slant free news.

Don’t they know there's a war on? Given that the government has finally woken up to the very real threat of a ‘yes’ victory, Mr S was rather surprised to hear where the Secretary of State for Scotland has been. Spies report that Alistair Carmichael spent the day in London yesterday. Presumably someone had to be in charge of handing out the Saltires. Witnesses reported him ‘loafing’ around Portcullis House, and he was even papped popping out for a casual coffee: I'm not quite sure what Alistair Carmichael Scotlands Sec found so funny this morning maybe Cameron losing the Union! pic.twitter.

A wincing Douglas Alexander told Newsnight last night that the tightening of the referendum polls ‘saw more £2 billion worth of value wiped off the stocks of Scottish companies.’ His pained expression revealed concern for ‘real people's pensions and the threat to real people's jobs... on the basis of a single opinion poll.’ Better Together are clinging to the markets as an indicator of the consequences of independence: ‘You don't need to take my word for it, look at the judgement of the market this afternoon – look at the judgement in relation to Scottish shares.’ But does Labour’s general election coordinator have any experience of speculation and mere words wiping out huge amount of value from the stock market?

Labour like to campaign with the slogan ‘our NHS’, but are they taking their claim of owning the health service a little bit too far? Dr Mark Hayes is standing for the party in Selby, Yorkshire yet remains head of the local NHS Clinical Commissioning Group (CCG). When questions were raised about a conflict of interest between the roles, the good doctor admitted using NHS resources for his campaign, saying ‘the CCG will protect me from unwanted media enquiries.’ Why exactly is the taxpayer stumping up to field awkward questions for a Labour candidate? If Labour do win, Hayes is out of a job: Shadow Health Secretary Andy Burnham has pledged to all but scrap CCGs all together. A turkey actually voting for Christmas.

It was widely noted that the Prime Minister remained grinning in his seat after PMQs to hear a Point of Order directed to the Speaker from Tory MP Simon Burns. Burns wanted to know whether the Speaker would withdraw his letter of recommendation for Carol Mills as Clerk of the House. The letter is currently languishing in Number 10. What's more, Mr Steerpike hears that a guffawing David Cameron fired up his backbenchers for today’s skirmish at last night’s meeting of Conservative MPs in the Boothroyd Room. ‘What does he want me to do with this letter?’ quipped the PM, adding: ‘Shall I just stuff it down the side of the sofa? Put it in the bin? Or shall we just forget we ever received it?

‘It was an utter humiliation’, says Bercow's biographer, after the Speaker was openly mocked by MPs as he retreated in the row over who will be the new Commons clerk.

Mr S could not help think that last night's Scottish CBI dinner looked a little dreary and frankly a bit 'budget'. The PM was coming to town; could they not have strung up some bunting at the very least? There was good reason the whole thing looked rubbish though: bureaucracy. The guest list was cut from 700 to 230 and the budget for the event slashed to just £10,000 after the Electoral Commission declared that this was a pro-union campaign event. The penpushers decreed: 'We are of the view that the CBI’s dinner does constitute campaigning and as a result we have sought detailed assurances from them and their suppliers about the cost of this event, including with comparison to previous years.