Steerpike

Those hoping one of Westminster's most entertaining ongoing feuds would cool after the election will be disappointed. As the dust settled on David Cameron's majority, his 2010 confident and in-house polling guru Lord Ashcroft let rip in the New Statesman at the Tories' victorious 2015 election strategist Lynton Crosby: 'By and large, on balance, we can all agree that it has not been a great election for the pollsters. But there is (or so we read) one notable exception. The private polls commissioned from the Tory bunker by the campaign chief Lynton Crosby and the US guru Jim Messina got the result ­absolutely right, at least according to, well, Lynton Crosby and Jim Messina. If they say so, I’m sure it must be true. But why leave any room for scepticism?

Who ever says that the Scots aren't healthy needs to rethink their stereotyping. While Scotland may be famous for creating the culinary delicacy that is the deep-fried Mars Bar, under the SNP it has evolved into a 'healthier' version. Jim Murphy, who was ousted from his seat by the SNP, has been reacquainting himself with the national favourite in the Scottish Parliament. Alas instead of being deep-fried it is now just wrapped in pastry. However, this change to the recipe still appears to mean that the pudding has too many calories to mention: https://twitter.com/JimForScotland/status/605716170851938304 Mr S commends Parliament for doing their bit in combatting the country's high blood pressure rates.

Oh dear. The love in between Dr Éoin Clarke and aspiring Labour leader Andy Burnham appears to be over. Mr S's colleague Sebastian Payne noted last week that Burnham has attracted 'an online army of fans' which includes Dr Eoin Clarke: 'Part of [Burnham's] nascent leadership campaign is an online army of fans who are promoting his cause and attacking his opponents. Twitter and Facebook are going to be key battlegrounds for each of the contenders — offering an easy way to spread a message without the filter of the media.' These e-cheerleaders have subsequently been christened 'Fandies'. Queen bee among the 'Fandies' remains Clarke - a man armed with nothing more than a PhD in Irish feminism and Microsoft Paint.

Andy Burnham may be the odds-on favourite for the Labour leadership but that doesn't mean it's all plain sailing for the politician. Mr S notes that Burnham has been sporting a bruised lip of late. When a hack spied him in the Strangers bar recently, they asked him whether the Labour leadership race had become physical with a punch-up. Happily, it appears that, despite Burnham having a barmy online army behind him, punches are yet to be thrown. Instead it's a cold sore which Burnham put down to 'stress'. Still Mr S can't help but wonder how he will cope if elected leader if he is this stressed already. Is Andy Burnham's upper lip tough enough? Hell no. Latest odds for next Labour leader — via Ladbrokes: Andy Burnham: 10/11. Liz Kendall: 13/8. Yvette Cooper: 9/2.

'The art of politics is not to lie,' claimed Alex Salmond on last night's This Week. https://twitter.com/bbcthisweek/status/604229621521981440 A noble sentiment for sure, but Mr S feels it's his duty to remind readers of a story that broke in October 2013. The Telegraph reported that 'Alex Salmond spent almost £20,000 of taxpayers’ money to keep secret legal advice about an independent Scotland’s EU status that never even existed'. Although Salmond suggested in a television interview that he had received advice from Scottish Government law officers on the matter, it later transpired that 'no specific legal advice' existed. Shall we just leave it at that?

After Nigel Farage resigned as the leader of Ukip following his South Thanet defeat, he appointed Suzanne Evans as the party's temporary leader. However, this appointment turned out to be fleeting, with Farage 'unresigning' days later. Happily, Evans got a chance to relive her glory days when she appeared on BBC's This Week. The producers appeared to have some fun with her on-air description, billing her as 'Former Ukip leader, 8th - 11th May 2015'. Given that she recently stepped down as the party's policy chief following divisions in Ukip over Farage's 'unresignation', Mr S wonders whether Evans might continue to use the BBC's description for future interviews.

Earlier this month Ben Harris-Quinney stepped down as the chairman of the Bow Group, following internal frictions over the Conservative think tank's partial Ukip endorsement ahead of the election. Now Harris-Quinney, who was elected as a Tory councillor earlier this month, has been suspended from the Conservative Party. In an email circulated to staff, a Conservative spokesman reveals the suspension is pending an investigation into the circumstances in which he joined the party ahead of running as a council candidate: 'Ben Harris-Quinney has been suspended from the Party with immediate effect pending an urgent investigation by the Disciplinary Committee on behalf of the Board.

The Kennington Tandoori is a favourite late-night eatery for MPs of all persuasions. Last night was no exception, with Tom Watson spotted planning his bid for deputy leader of Labour over curry and beers, and the SNP's foreign affairs spokesman Alex Salmond seen enjoying poppadoms with a gaggle of Nats. But word reaches Mr S that all was not well with the restaurant's seating plan. When the SNP gang arrived, they were somewhat unsettled to find that seated next to their table was a group of  journalists, who were also settling down for a curry. After some furtive glances across the restaurant, the hungry hacks were eventually moved to another table, to ensure they couldn't listen in on the Scottish Nationalists' conversation.

When the Conservatives won a surprise majority in the election, many businesses breathed a collective sigh of relief that the two Eds would not have a chance to implement their 'anti-business' policies. Retail expert Mary Portas appeared to express her own personal relief when she appeared at Hay this week to discuss her memoir. Portas, who was appointed by David Cameron to head a review into Britain's high streets, recalled an awkward encounter she had with Ed Balls on a train: 'I saw Ed Balls on the train once and he was so pleased that he’d negotiated a mammogram centre in an Asda in his constituency. I thought ‘quelle horreur’. Can you imagine getting your boobs out after just buying a packet of Asda ham?