Scotland

When Alex Salmond stepped down as First Minister, he famously unveiled a commemorative stone engraved with the message ‘The rocks will melt with the sun before I allow tuition fees to be imposed on Scottish students.’ If he wants to see melting, he should go to the UCAS website and look at the courses up for grabs in the clearing system – then change the settings to say you’re Scottish. The courses melt away. (For example, here is the English version of Glasgow University clearing courses: law, history, all sorts of gems. And here is the Scottish version). Why the difference? Because England’s students bring fees. As a direct result opportunities are created for them – even in Scotland.

Of course it was a “stunt” - the Westminster village’s preferred term for any piece of nonsense that disrupts the serenity of the mother of parliaments - and of course it was planned in advance. Pete Wishart, the SNP MP for Perth and North Perthshire, tweeted that prime minister’s questions would be unusually interesting this week.  For a given definition of interesting, that is. The SNP’s walk-out was engineered to win the party some attention and a place at the top of this evening’s Scottish news. Job done. Mission accomplished. Well done lads. It was all very reminiscent of the 1980s when Alex Salmond, among others, was forever making an exhibition of himself the better to win the SNP some - indeed any - attention at all.

“The greatest politician in the world”, a friend quipped recently, “is the Westminster projection of Ruth Davidson”. I do not think this was meant altogether unkindly. It was, in part, a reflection of the age-old truth that what you cannot have so often seems more attractive than what you can. Davidson is a formidable communicator; interested in ideas but blessed with the common touch. She has a no-nonsenseness about her that contrasts favourably with the grey men and women occupying chairs around the cabinet table in Downing Street. Better still, she is neither tarnished by nor responsible for Brexit. That alone is enough to give her a freshness that seems especially energising these days.

Here is a list of things that happened in Scotland this week. See if you can guess which caused the biggest political row:  GDP statistics showed economic growth less than half the UK rate, the third consecutive year Scotland has lagged. One in 12 under-25s is now on a zero-hours contract. The chair of NHS Tayside was forced to resign after the health board dipped into donations to buy a new computer system. Labour councillors voted to increase the allocation of Tory seats on Falkirk Council’s executive committee. Attempts to quit smoking hit a record low after the SNP slashed cessation budgets. Primary classes with 30 or more pupils soared by 44 per cent. School exclusions for assault with a weapon reached a five-year high.

'The Scottish Conservatives aspire to lead the next government of Scotland,' proclaims Ruth Davidson in a pamphlet setting out the party's thinking.  Could it really happen? Could the Tories go from wipeout in 1997 to triumph in 2021 – from resisting devolution to effectively running the show in a generation? Too long; didn't read answer? Yes. More complex answer: Yes, if...  Scottish, Conservative, Unionist is a 'Yes, if' document, informed by an understanding that the party cannot sit back and wait for voters to come to it. Muhammad must launch a charm offensive on the mountain. The booklet features contributions from leading lights and rising stars.

The SNP, you'll be distressed to learn, are having a time of it. The party is embroiled in a deputy leadership contest that could have been designed by their worst enemies. Angus Robertson, who lost his Moray seat last June, has resigned, depriving the party of one of its most formidable and respectable advocates. His departure couldn't have come at a worse moment. The SNP has tried Scots' forbearance for constitutional agitation and now has a reputation for banging on about independence that more justly belongs to Ruth Davidson's Tories. After more than a decade in power, the SNP government shows signs of wear and tear and perhaps some structural damage too.

I don’t know where people get the idea the SNP is intolerant of criticism. Scotland’s most open-minded party has released a new video that appears to be an attack on one of its critics dressed up as a party political broadcast. The video depicts a group of thirtysomethings gathered for a house party. They are Scottish but improbably so, smiling excessively and expressing enthusiasm for life. A couple of latecomers are warned that ‘Davey’ is in the kitchen ‘bangin’ on about politics again’ and soon we are introduced to a cartoonish party bore. Stuffy, bespectacled Davey is the wrong side of 40 but sports a hipster-trad three-piece and Brooklyn-worthy beard in the hope of passing himself off as a millennial.

A top rate of 50 percent? A wider range of tax bands? Lower allowances? Or some combination of all three? When it unveils its Budget on Thursday, the Scottish National Party is just about certain to use its power to increase income taxes. The only real debate is about who will take the hit. On the day, Nicola Sturgeon will no doubt wheel out the usual lines about the need to ‘invest’ in public services, reverse ‘Tory cuts’, and perhaps add in a sound-bite or two about the damage done by a ‘hard Brexit’. And yet, in fact higher taxes will only damage the Scottish economy, and by extension the whole of the UK. We will all end paying a price for the SNP’s recklessness.

It’s quiet up in Scotland at the minute. We’ve not tried to secede in a few months, some MSPs are away pursuing reality TV careers, and Nicola Sturgeon is still deciding the best punishment for parents that smack their recalcitrant offspring. The downside is that when things are quiet, some geyser of nationalist lunacy inevitably explodes. Step forward, Eddi Reader — folk musician, celebrity separatist, and the first of what are bound to be countless victims of the burgeoning police state. She announced to her Twitter followers: ‘When I was stopped in Glasgow two days ago (MOT ran out) the sight of the policeman and the Union Jack on his jacket made me fear he was an anti-indy man and if he recognised me I didn’t feel okay about that.

The people’s flag is even deeper red in Scottish Labour, where the daggers are plunging in all directions amid a bloody leadership battle.  Interim leader Alex Rowley has been secretly recorded admitting he backs left-wing candidate Richard Leonard, despite promising to remain neutral in the contest. It comes barely a week after Rowley’s turn as Fife’s answer to Mark Antony at First Minister’s Questions, where a jeremiad against millionaires was widely interpreted as a veiled denunciation of Anas Sarwar, the centrist candidate and a chap with a bob or two million to spare.  The Rowley tape also contains a reference to ‘private discussions’ on the future of Kezia Dugdale, who has since departed as leader.