Dear Mary: how can I tell my fellow bridesmaid that her speech is waffling?

Q. A few years ago friends from New Zealand came to stay with us for what they said would be the final time. To commemorate their many visits over the years they brought with them a quite large ceramic replica of our house which they had commissioned. It had been made to hang on a wall. It was so kind – but Mary, it was not a thing of beauty. Indeed the sight of it rather put us off our own house. Of course, we pretended to be thrilled but my husband got rid of it at a charity shop once they had left. Now they have been in touch to say they are doing ‘one last trip’. They are bound to ask to see where we have hung it. Help please, Mary!

– Name and address withheld

A. You might say that a long-term member of staff who’d been with you for many years on and off (to account for why they’d never met her) retired last year to Portugal. When your husband handed her a wad of cash as a leaving present she rejected it, sobbing, saying that what she’d like more than anything was the ceramic house as a fitting memento for all the happy years spent working for you. You felt you simply couldn’t refuse.

Q. We inherited a much loved chauffeur from my parents-in-law. Our problem is that he has found love rather late in life and cannot resist telling us all the ups and downs of the romance. We feel this compromises the safety of his driving as he turns round to give us the details. Moreover, we just want peace and quiet on long journeys – but how can we shut him up without hurting his feelings? – C.H., Richmond, Yorkshire

A. Ask him to join you in your kitchen for a cup of tea before setting out. Say you’re worried your car is so ‘smart’ that it’s eavesdropping on you and that, no doubt like you, he will want to keep personal information personal. ‘But quickly,’ you can gush, ‘tell us here, where we’re not being spied on. We’re longing to know the latest on your romance. We’ve got a good ten minutes before we leave.’

Q. I’m to be a bridesmaid at a wedding and have been asked to give a joint speech alongside another bridesmaid. We have each written our own parts of the speech and combined them. However, on stitching it all together, her contributions to the speech – although lovely – are much too long and waffling. Mary, how do I tell her that we need to chop quite large chunks of it out?

– E.P., London SW7

A. Persuade her that you should both rehearse your tributes in front of a neutral third party. Brief this person beforehand, secure in the knowledge that any advice will demand a punchier and less waffly oration.