Q. I have been working in a large restaurant alongside a very attractive, although shy, girl. I live near the restaurant and she has come back for drinks on a few occasions. She seems to enjoy my company but I have been too feeble to take things further. I fear that if she does not find me attractive, I could ruin our friendship by making a move. What should I do? – Name withheld, London W6
A. Step one: buy a Feverscan thermometer. This liquid crystal strip is held on to one person’s forehead by another, thus requiring a degree of physical intimacy. Step two: ask the girl to your flat along with another colleague. When they arrive, act slow-witted and say you are feeling odd. At an opportune moment fetch the Feverscan and ask the girl if she would be kind enough to take your temperature. Stage this while standing near a sofa to allow you to swoon into her arms. (All this is done in the safety of the colleague’s company.) Should she respond to your collapse with physical stiffening you will know the score. Should you sense that the brief propinquity ‘pinked’, you may, with confidence, fasten your lips on to hers in the future.
Q. I had probably the best weekend of my life with new friends, people much older than me. My mother told me I would have to thank them in a handwritten letter rather than by text and I agreed, but it’s not that easy to source the relevant equipment – writing paper, stamp etc. I only just got around to buying these and find that the weekend was five weeks ago. I am gutted as I wanted to convey how much I genuinely loved my stay and the company of these new friends, but a letter five weeks late will only make me look insincere. Help Mary!
– P.L.S., London W4
A. Sit down with your relevant equipment and take yourself, in your imagination, back in time. and write what you would have written had you written it the day you left your hosts. Around 300 well-chosen words should be more than enough. Do not date the letter. Just put it in a postbox. It is well known that Royal Mail is not what it was and your hosts, should they share your feelings, will be inclined to give you the benefit of the doubt when the letter finally arrives.
Q. I have two border collies which I love. People who come to stay invariably bring me collie-themed presents. I really don’t want any more collie tea towels and mugs etc, but it’s hard to know how to stop them.
– S.H., Northern Ireland
A. Change your WhatsApp profile to say ‘House is full of collie memorabilia!’ If you add a ‘!’ it won’t cause offence.
Write to Dear Mary at dearmary@spectator.co.uk
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