The Prime Minister began today’s PMQs by wishing a ‘happy 78th birthday’ to the NHS. This is the sort of weird, abstract and inanimate thing he is comfortable showing affection for. What next? Happy Birthday to the Nuclear Deterrent, to the Protestant Succession? How will everyone be celebrating? Being left on a trolley for 48 hours? Perhaps by the time the NHS has turned 80, you’ll be able to get an appointment.
He has essentially painted a Burnham shaped tunnel on the side of a sheer rock face, failing to commit the requisite money to defence
Next came a bit of – unexpected – mutual congratulation, courtesy of Sir Keir and Mrs Badenoch. A Lib Dem MP who looked like he’d escaped from a game of Guess Who asked a rambling question about planning permission for a local hospital. Starmer in his answer revealed that the MP in question, Dr Al Pinkerton, had been quoted as saying ‘if the hospital goes ahead there’ll be no golf course’. Starmer said of this piece of ultimate Nimbyism that he couldn’t ’think of anything more Lib Dem’ .
When it came to her remarks, Mrs Badenoch associated herself with Sir Keir’s comments about the third party. It was like two of the weirder children in the playground realising that there was a yet snottier and more weaselly kid nearby. The truce did not last long. Once again Mrs Badenoch led on defence – a bold line of attack, given the Tories’ less than perfect record.
He may be known for his vocal imitations of Road Runner and have the general demeanour of Porky Pig but when it comes to policy Starmer is pure Wile E Coyote. He has essentially painted a Burnham shaped tunnel on the side of a sheer rock face, failing to commit the requisite money to defence in this review. Either Burnham scraps the review and looks weak on defence, or he cuts other areas of spending and infuriates his backbenchers. Mrs Badenoch spotted this: ‘Can he confirm that the member for Makerfield has promised to make up the shortfall’.
‘Any Labour Prime Minister would stand behind this plan!’, meeped Starmer; as usual, not actually answering the question. It became more rancorous as Mrs Badenoch accused Labour’s plan of being too weak, too little and too late. She read out criticism of the Defence plan from various high-ranking military figures – harder for Sir Keir to argue against than her own complaints. A few Labour backbenchers simply shrugged.
Sir Ed Davey stood up and looked hurt. He proceeded to give his usual mix of moralising and terrible gags. The humanitarian situation in Venezuela got mixed up with a dreadful gag about the World Cup. Even Starmer looked at him with bemused pity. This is the problem with much of the public persona of the Lib Dems; they can never get the point between lame jokiness and outraged censoriousness right. They’re like a terminal diagnosis delivered by a singing telegram.
Starmer clucked some of his greatest hits in reply – ‘fourteen years’, ‘I will take no lectures from the party opposite’ and ‘that’s the difference a Labour government makes’. I hope his last PMQs will just be playing all the old favourites; one can imagine the crowd going wild if he whacks out ‘£22 billion black hole’ at the end of the night like it’s ‘Dancing Queen’.
As the questions continued, Starmer attempted a diversionary tactic, familiar to the seasoned Starmer-watchers among us – replying to anything difficult or disobliging with a totally unrelated answer. Dave Doogan of the SNP complained that the defence investment plan was “paper thin”, prompting a lecture about Peter Murrell and ‘sanctimony’ (physician, heal thyself!). Lee Anderson mentioned a migrant rapist in his constituency, and Starmer instead complained about Nigel Farage’s crypto donation.
One suspects adjusting to normal life may prove a challenge for our soon-to-be-former PM. ‘Would you like your fish and chips open or wrapped, Sir Keir?’ ‘Erm meep er 14 years. Farage crypto millions. Meep.’
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