Steerpike

You would normally have to pay thousands of pounds for the pleasure, but Mr S and the Westminster hack pack were treated to a Gordon Brown speech for free on Monday lunchtime. In a rare Westminster sighting, the former Prime Minister had his gawky fake smile glued in place as he reflected on his tumultuous relationship with the media while he addressed the Parliamentary Press Gallery about the campaign to save the Union. Brown has clearly seen that wind will blow the way of the No campaign and is getting involved late in the day – just in time to grab the glory. He once claimed to have saved the world, and saving the United Kingdom will nicely complement that honour.

‘There are three stages to any coalition,’ House of Cards creator Michael Dobbs told me at Tuesday’s annual Macmillan Lords vs Commons tug-of-war in the grounds of Westminster School. ‘First there is the seduction, tearing off each other’s bodices over five days of negotiations. Then came the consummation in the Rose Garden, followed later by a period of sober reflection.’ And which stage are we in now? I asked the Tory peer ‘The “sod off” stage.

Despite trying to fend off Ukip in the Newark by-election, the Tories have thought it a good idea to put neighbouring MP, and devout Europhile, Ken Clarke on their candidate's literature. The Tories seem desperate to feature him in their campaign, even though it's rumoured that Clarke may soon be shuffled out of the Cabinet. However, they seem to have overlooked the fact that Clarke is wearing a private enclosure badge from some society sporting event. To top it off, Nick Clegg's favourite Tory is even wearing yellow. Just the image the Tories need when their candidate’s multi-million property empire is in the spotlight as polling day approaches.

What do Foreign Office ministers think about the possibility that Andrew Lansley could be the next European Commissioner? David Lidington was clearly intrigued by Isabel's column in the Telegraph this morning which says that Tory backbenchers are not fans at all. The Europe Minister, who would have to work closely with Lansley, retweeted the article with the headline 'the mysterious Mr Lansley will hardly set Brussels alight'. He then realised that this might not look very good, and tweeted: 'Apologies. Was trying to read last article not retweet it. Retweet def not my view.' Presumably he doesn't mean that he does think Lansley will set Brussels on fire?

If you are a lobbyist looking to access a government minister but want to circumvent the tedious checks enforced by civil servants, then Newark-on-Trent is the town for you. This corner of Nottinghamshire is packed with reshuffle hopefuls and Tory big-wigs ‘doing their bit’ for the by-election bid. Education minister Liz Truss had taken her mum and kids along. George Osborne was milling about while wearing his favourite high-viz jacket. And Theresa May brought her characteristic sparkle to the stump: the Home Secretary told assembled arm-chewing hacks that the Tories’ “excellent candidate” would secure the future for the hardworking people of Newark, you will be glad to hear.

The self-styled anti-establishment ‘People’s Army’ chose the most expensive hotel in Westminster to announce the professionalisation of their party machine. Nigel Farage’s post-European election press conference was completely stage managed — from the security on the door to the lack of questions from the floor, right down to the moment he was whisked away from the InterContinental Westminster in a blacked out Land Rover with his key donor Paul Sykes. But Ukip were not done yet, Farage presumably just drove round the block a few times because he was soon back sinking a vat of merlot at his victory party — which your correspondent attempted to crashed with various degrees of success.

Boris and Dave have been enjoying each other's company on the campaign trail in Newark today. Just look how cosy they are at the station: But is that Boris sneaking a longing glance at the red box that the Prime Minister carries with him as a trapping of office? Anyway, the two men got along very well on the train: For a little while at least: Neither seem particularly excited about the sandwiches on offer in Costa, though. Perhaps like Ed Miliband, they'd rather eat a bacon butty...