Mary Killen

Q. I am in the process of restoring an old barn and want to use only environmentally friendly, locally available or recycled materials. However, the clipboard Nazis at the local council have told me I must coat my exposed beams with fire-retardant paint. I am very anxious to avoid the chemicals contained in these paints. Have you any suggestions, Mary?P.J.K., Cirencester A. Why not take a tip from Lady Bamford’s eco-spa at Daylesford just down the road from you? The spa, housed in an old farm building behind the fashionable shop, was transformed by architect Spencer Fung to a strict ecological brief.

Q. I deeply fancy someone in my office who sits near me. Our exchanges have always been businesslike and I doubt she has noticed my interest. The other women I work with appear to find me congenial and we socialise outside the office although none seems to perceive me as a ‘sex object’. Having said that, former partners have never complained. I don’t want to risk ongoing embarrassment by making a move and being rejected, so how can I find out first if I have any chance? Name and address withheld A. Choose one of your female colleague friends to act as unwitting emissary. Confide that your concentration is being affected by vivid nightly dreams involving romantic congress with this woman which disconcert you during the day when you sit in such close proximity.

Q. A dear friend has been going to Pilates classes. She is very proud of her newly taut torso, but I fear she has been taking the discipline too seriously. She now has the rigid bearing of someone wearing an invisible neck brace, and the last time we hugged I was left with the sense of having hugged something more resembling an ironing board than a human body. I feel I am in no position to make any comments since my own body mass index is 26.1 and it would seem like sour grapes, but should I say something, Mary, and if so what?C.B., Berkshire A. Pilates practitioners are trained to visualise their ‘inner corsets’ when going about their day-to-day business, and when the progress of transformation is going well it is easy for the tautness to become triumphalist.

Q. Some friends and I have been discussing the vexed question of vegetarians, and opinions are divided as to whether they should announce this (or any other dietary requirements) when an invitation is given, or wait until they arrive. The former suggests that something special needs to be prepared for them, while the latter could cause a last-minute panic for the host/hostess if nothing suitable was to hand. Perhaps any host/hostess would be wise nowadays to check this when issuing the invitation, but please give us your guidance, dear Mary!F.W., Siena, Italy A. I have taken guidance from a much-in-demand vegetarian within my own circle. She is someone who, unusually, manages to carry off this social handicap without it impacting on her popularity.

Q. My new husband has baggage from his previous life in the form of two best friends, a couple he has known for over 20 years. The female member of this couple drives me nuts. My husband, who adores her (and definitely does not fancy her), says she is not trying to wind me up, I am just reading her wrong and she is a lovely person. I can just about bear to have dinner with them occasionally, but now they have invited us to spend a week with them at their incredible house in the sun. It is luxurious there and my husband has been many times and longs to return. I don’t want to deny him his friendship, nor this holiday, but I don’t think I could keep my cool if I was at this woman’s mercy on her own territory. Losing my cool may, I fear, be exactly what she hopes for.

Q. Speaking of pellets, as you did last week, may I ask something else? Whenever I have eaten birds, it has always been quite an informal occasion where one didn’t have to worry about, well, what to do with shot. One could simply more or less neatly take it out of one’s mouth. But if one were dining more formally and the issue arose — is it necessary to swallow? B.T., Berkeley, California A. It is never necessary to swallow shot. Having worked it to the tip of your tongue, give your lips a swift wipe with your napkin and let the shot be swept to the floor as you do so. Should contact with the floor be audible, ignore the sound — no need to comment. Q.

Q. Two years ago I dispatched a spoof Christmas letter to a select handful of friends thinking this might amuse them. I committed all the standard crimes: blow-by-blow accounts of (fictitious) holidays and activities; an insistence on the good looks, academic prowess and remarkable musicality of our children; my own successes; our soaring incomes; hilarity at the expense of the au pair; new kitchen and so on. I referred to the continuing asylum status of my daughter’s Afghan husband, sketching in how they had met when she was researching the impact of the previous year’s poppy crop on the local farmers for her forthcoming book, All Spaced Out and Nowhere to Go, and neatly deflecting any unwanted whiff of an imperfect situation by mentioning the massive advance from Hodders.

Q. I have an aversion to shaking hands. How should I avoid this, without giving offence? My doctor informs me that more germs are passed by hand than by kissing. At my club no one shakes hands, unless they are being introduced to someone for the first time. However, even that I find trying. I just don’t like touching someone else’s hands. What should I do?I.S., London SE11 A. Why not make a point of cultivating the Social Hug? Extend your arms right out like a semaphore operator and close in on the friend or new acquaintance. Then rest your hands on their back. In this way you will not come into contact with any fleshy parts while still giving the appearance of having made an enthusiastic greeting. Hugging is a widely enjoyed unclammy experience.

Q. I belong to a small reading group in the village in which I live and have always enjoyed our meetings. Recently, however, one member of the group took it upon herself to invite a new neighbour to join us. We wanted to be welcoming and so said nothing; unfortunately, however, the newcomer has rather too much to say for herself, none of it worth listening to. She is also entirely lacking in self-awareness and so, despite increasingly obvious hints, does not realise just how much we resent her raucous tones and attention-seeking. She also likes rotten books and drives a Footballers’ Wives’ car. This woman has spoiled the group’s atmosphere and several of us are now wondering whether to bother to attend the next meeting. What should we do?J.A., Hertfordshire A.

Q. A friend in the fashion world telephoned me to say that she was sending round a handbag worth £400 for my Christmas present. She told me frankly that she would not normally spend £400 on me but she had been given this bag by a public relations person representing a certain designer and did not want it for herself. She added that, if by any chance I did not like it, she would prefer me not to sell the bag on eBay since the designer would inevitably get to hear of it and recognise the provenance of this ‘one off’. The bag duly arrived. It is a very beautiful object in its own right, but not capacious enough to be of use to me or any of my friends. Clearly I cannot return it to the shop. What should I do, Mary? It seems such a waste.Name and address withheld A.

Q. Having been well entertained by the ‘pyjama gaping’ problems and solutions, may I briefly insert my neat response? Gentlemen should obtain comfortably large pairs of Directoire ladies’ knickers in acetate fabric. Discreet shops do have them. Carefully snip into the single thickness hem where elastic is gathered at the knee. Draw out the elastic in a loop and discard it. This smooth garment is thus rendered comfortably discreet and impossible to expose — and, furthermore, it is functionally perfect for nocturnal visits to the bathroom. Acetate is preferable to nylon as the latter, despite anti-static claims, can develop interesting effects.J.B.T., Bournemouth, Dorset A.

For her traditional Christmas treat Mary has invited some of her favourite figures in the public eye to submit personal problems for her attention. From Robert HiscoxQ. Christmas time brings the threat of having to dance at a staff party. As a chairman in my sixties I wonder how to maintain any dignity when dragged on to the dance floor and faced by a gyrating young female. I believe actually holding a lady in your arms while dancing is as out of date as the Charleston, and would be highly dangerous in today’s threatening climate of employment litigation. Refusing to dance at all would be deeply stand-offish. Is there an approved ‘Chairman’s shuffle’? A. Indeed.

Q. Recently I agreed to a male friend of mine’s suggestion to take out a couple that we both know. I said that I would pay for half the dinner as the couple had entertained me many times. The male friend had recently joined an old established club and wanted to take the couple there, so I agreed. I told him to let me know discreetly at the end how much my half of the bill would be. I then arranged a convenient date with the couple as he asked me to do this. However, at the dinner itself, as the evening wore on, I became worried that the couple kept saying how nice his club was and it became clear to me that they did not realise that I was co-hosting the dinner. I waited in vain for him to mention it to them but he never did.

Dear Mary... Q. Despite misgivings, and only when further evasion would have been offensive, I accepted an invitation to a dinner party from a successful architect with whom I have a perfectly amicable business relationship. My wife and I arrived and were introduced to two other couples — friends of the hosts of apparently fairly recent standing — who proceeded to behave foully towards us, being consistently snide, hostile and argumentative. Our host remained seemingly oblivious, and made no attempt to protect us or to steer the conversation in more enjoyable directions. We emerged, numbed, from a thoroughly hateful evening. Despite a carefully worded thank-you letter, I continue to receive invitations and suggestions for a further get-together.

Q. I was rather hurt yesterday when I delivered my 80-year-old mother to the Carlton Club at 3 p.m. to meet her friends and have tea and the porter would not allow me in. ‘Madam, are you wearing jeans!’ Too true — Armani jeans, Jermyn Street shirt, Burberry mac, flat ankle-length leather boots and small smart black leather shoulder bag. So out in the street — a five-hour round trip and not even a cup of tea. Thanks, Carlton Club. Advice please. J.M.A., address withheld A. Since you have a mother of 80 you must be at least 34 yourself.

Dear Mary... Q. As an elderly art-lover, I was thrilled to be invited to the private views of exhibitions by both Julian Barrow and his brother Andrew. Alas, I see these take place on the very same night next week and, as I am now nearly 90 and practically bedridden, I really cannot risk the mid-evening trek from Julian’s landscapes at the Fine Art Society to Andrew’s alphabet collages at the Rebecca Hossack in Fitzrovia. As both brothers are hypersensitive, would it be tactful to chuck both parties rather than attend only one of them?E.E., London NW6 A. I have good news for you. I have consulted the galleries in question and find that Andrew opens in Windmill Street on Monday 21 November and Julian the following night in Bond Street.

Dear Mary... Q. My wife and I have an old and dear friend who lives abroad. She divorced her husband some years ago and lives alone. We are both very fond of her and are usually delighted to see her whenever she is in England. My wife has a timeshare in the Lakes which we go to at the same time each year. We often invite guests who have included our friend but from time to time we do enjoy going by ourselves. This year we hoped to do this, but our friend invited herself, making it a very difficult week. Worse, she expressed the intention of joining us again next year — in spite of our pointed hints that we wanted to be by ourselves for once. How, without spoiling a valued friendship, do we make it clear that she is not wanted unless we invite her?M.B., Warwickshire A.

Dear Mary... Q. You suggest (22 October) that scrap suppers be served on site following private views in art galleries. May I suggest the very same practice might well reverse the decline in numbers of young people attending classical concerts? For friendless, new to London perhaps, but unpushy lovers of classical music, it would surely be an incentive to know that, for an extra £10 on their ticket, they could eat a simple hot supper with a glass of wine, meet and chat to the musicians and mingle in like-minded civilised company following a performance. M.M., London W8 A. Of course you are right. Some administrators are already cottoning on to this punter-magnetising idea.

Dear Mary... Q. I have recently inherited a beautiful tapestry from an uncle of whom I was particularly fond, and who, I believe, was rather fond of me. While my cousin — who is shortly to move into her late father’s house — is happy to respect his wishes and let me have the tapestry, her husband is less enthusiastic and is more than a little exercised as to what to put in the place of this work, which occupies almost all of one wall of the dining-room. That empty wall will make me feel uncomfortable every time I visit. I get on very well with my cousin and would dearly like to do something to help them out, but so far have drawn a blank. S.V.Z., London SW10 A. A new technological development will ease your distress.

Dear Mary... Q. I am an artist and will shortly be showing my latest works in a one-man show. I beg your advice on how I can circumvent the social difficulty which blights many private views — namely, what to do about having something to eat after the show? Clearly a two-tier system of those who are invited to go on to a restaurant and those who are not would be invidious, so I would like everyone to feel welcome. The problem is not only the fluid numbers but also the nightmare of trying to get dawdlers out of the gallery and into the restaurant in the first place, let alone to give their orders. I cannot foot the bill personally, so there will be the problem of dividing it up between those who have drunk vast quantities and those on Evian water, etcetera.