Mary Killen

Dear Mary... Q. I own a holiday cottage in Padstow in Cornwall. Sometimes I let the cottage, at other times I allow friends to stay there. I employ a local cleaning agency to come in on Monday mornings to clean up after each occupancy and get it ready for the incoming parties. My problem is that recently a great friend of mine, who is very fastidious, stayed in the cottage and informed me that she had left the place spotless on her departure — yet I still had the usual bill from the cleaning agency. It now occurs to me that other occupants may be equally fastidious, but since I live in London I have no means of checking. How can I avoid being had for a mug, Mary?B.T., London W12 A. The cleaning ladies are only human.

Dear Mary... My husband and I have been invited to stay for Royal Ascot-at-York this year with an old friend who lives close to the racecourse and with whom we have stayed many times before on non-racing occasions. The invitation was extended some months ago, but I have just received a letter from our hostess saying that she hopes we will understand but, given the considerable expense of hosting a house party, she will be making a charge for our visit. The charge she proposes is not insubstantial and, added to the cost of our travelling to York, along with the Ascot clothes and other expenses, means it is going to be a very pricey outing.

Dear Mary... Q. A man I cannot avoid at drinks parties is now sixtysomething and, after years of having been highly sought after by women, now lives without a woman and so has lost it slightly in terms of his personal grooming. That does not bother me. What does bother me is that he has a habit of chomping on nuts, crisps, canapes, whatever is available, but carrying on talking at the same time and consequently spraying the face of his interlocutor with quite substantial pellets of food. He seems to be gloriously unaware of the fact that he is doing this. How can I, without being unkind, discourage this barrage? On my most recent meeting some of the contents of his mouth were actually projected into mine.Name and address withheld A.

Dear Mary... Q. My wife and I have been invited to an election-night party being given by neighbours of the opposite political persuasion to ourselves. We are very fond of these people but they are very much New Order and we are very much Old, so, to keep things harmonious, the subject of politics is normally given a wide berth. However, we cannot get out of attending this party. Should the worst happen and it becomes clear that New Labour will be swept back into office, how can we keep the despair and bitterness from registering on our faces and remain gracious during what will be a four-to-five hour alcohol-fuelled marathon? Name and address withheld A. Lay your cards on the table at your earliest opportunity by announcing that you and your wife are Tories.

Dear Mary... Q. Further to your letter regarding the telephone habits of foreigners, would they by any chance be Greek? Married for 20 years to a Greek, I am aware that no convention attaches at all to what we consider to be good manners. Calls will be placed and accepted at any place and any time without restraint on the length, volume or banality of the discussion. I have regularly been to dinner parties where invitees settle on the sofa, among other guests, and as many as two or three of them will make outgoing calls which are manifestly not urgent. Remonstration is received with puzzlement as there is no recognition of any rudeness.R. McM., by email A.

Dear Mary... Q. My sister-in-law, whom I am fond of and who is very generous, has an annoying habit of inviting herself to the house whenever she likes, usually at very short notice. Each summer there is a music festival in a village near me. She happened to call on me last year at that time, and went with me to several of the events. Now she keeps saying, ‘I must come down again for the music festival’ as though it were a fait accompli. I have arranged a house party for the weekend in question and do not have any more room. She cannot take a hint, and if I tell her about the house party she will simply say either that she’ll come for the day or stay in a nearby hotel, making me feel very guilty. How should I deal with this, Mary?Name and address withheld A.

Dear Mary... Q. I am a picture framer. The other day I drove up to London to drop off a picture at the house of a client. While I was there, I asked if I could use the loo. Once inside I saw that there were some fairly nasty ‘marks’ in the lavatory itself. For my own purposes it was not necessary to make any contact with the lavatory bowl, so I settled myself swiftly and turned to walk out. As I opened the door I found another man waiting to come in. I did not like to insult my client by making any remark exculpating myself from the mess within, but neither did I wish this man to think that I was responsible for having left it in that state. I am still worrying about this two weeks later. What should I have said or done, Mary? P.E., Pewsey, Wiltshire A.

Dear Mary... A number of correspondents wrote in regarding the problem (26 March) of what to call the unmarried mother of one’s son’s child. Here is a selection. Q. Oh Mary, I love it when you go all family values! Yes, yes, you are so right to stop the rot! Partners forsooth! Even worse are married couples where the husband refers to his ‘wife-companion’. Well, that’s rather touching but still icky. Anyway, mischievously, may I suggest that the word ought to be pronounced as if French, i.e., imprégnée? That would give it a little style. ‘This is Carlotta, Nevil’s dear imprégnée!’ And practically, may I suggest: ‘This is the mother/father of my grandchild?

Dear Mary... Q. As a single person I invite many people over for dinner. Invariably the numbers are not equal, but I go to immense pains to get a mixture of guests who will find each other interesting, and also try to cook something special and delicious. The return invitations are invariably of the ‘take-us-as-you-find-us’ variety (‘Do come over. It’ll be Just Us. I don’t know what I’ll cook — probably pot luck’). To rub salt into the wound, at these suppers I am regaled with stories of the sparkling dinner parties my hosts have recently held, all featuring people who are fascinating but — most important — in couples.

Dear Mary... Q. I am 43. I am starting to develop terrible furrows on my forehead. I do not wish to go under the knife nor do I wish to have any more Botox because I do not like the ‘Botox delay’ effect. What do you recommend, Mary? S.F., Sunningdale, Berkshire A. Some readers may be unfamiliar with the expression ‘Botox delay’. This effect can be viewed when an injectee’s facial expression fails to run concurrently with views being expressed, but manifests itself, inappropriately, a few seconds later, when the subject has moved on. This is unnerving for interlocutors.

Dear Mary... Q. May I humbly correct the advice you gave about the life-long friend who has developed an ‘unfortunate strain of body odour’? She is suffering from trimethylaminuria, a rare metabolic defect which causes a fish-like smell due to abnormal breakdown of choline. Simple blood and urine tests are available to confirm the diagnosis, often triggered by a fishy meal. Appropriate dietary modification can cure the problem.M.A.M. (consultant nephrologist), London Wl A. Despite the fact that my correspondent of 4 March gave no indication of the body odour in question being ‘fish-like’, readers will join me in being delighted by your learned advice.

Dear Mary... Q. What can one give as a present to friends, in their fifties, who are getting married? Both have previously been married to other people and already have all the material goods they could possibly want. Like the Prince of Wales and Mrs Parker Bowles, the couple in question have been secretly in love for many years so something romantic would be appropriate. What do you recommend, Mary? A.Q., Dartmouth A. Why not order some customised stamps to celebrate your friends’ marriage? The Royal Mail now provides a service which allows you to combine a photograph of your choice with a legitimate Royal Mail stamp. A unique set of 20 first class stamps costs just £14.95. I think a hundred would be an enjoyable amount for an engaged couple to receive.

Dear Mary... Q. My teenage daughter’s lifelong friend has over the years developed the most unfortunate strain of body odour, obviously unbeknown to her. It has become increasingly unbearable recently and presumably in her earlier years was either masked in infant fumes or more tolerable. Apparently the problem is widely discussed at school but no one has a solution, mainly because of the ponger’s genial nature and because of the inherent risk to the messenger. This friendship is important to my daughter, even at great risk to our olfactory nerves, but then so is our need to reduce the widespread use of pungent aerosol spray. Can you propose a resolution?Name withheld, Belgravia, London A. Invite the offender to stay the night in your home.

Dear Mary... Q. My daughter, aged 19, is proposing to take out a student loan in order to have her teeth whitened. It is not the borrowing of money I object to so much as the fact that her own teeth are not in any way discoloured. Please help quickly, Mary, as I am certain her natural look really could not be bettered.E.O., London SW18 A. Since ‘Frankenteeth’, as they might be dubbed, look Tippex-white under strobe lighting, ask your daughter to attend a few discos and spot the flashers before she goes ahead. Like toupees being blown off in the wind, bleached teeth can cause great embarrassment when they are unmasked as artifice. Even in daylight hours the most expensively whitened teeth can jar in a face.

Dear Mary... Q. I like to attend parties if I am invited but, despite the fact that most of my friends are in their forties, they seem to have an unfortunate tendency to want loud music to be playing during these parties, even when there is no dancing opportunity. I find that this means I come away with a sore throat from shouting to make myself heard. What do you suggest, Mary?R.C., London W2 A. The best way around this is to trigger a verbal torrent from your interlocutor so you don’t have to use your own voice. There are various subjects which will encourage a decent outflow. Why not inquire, ‘You look so healthy. How do you do it?’ Or, with regard to your host or hostess, ‘How did you first meet so-and-so?’ Even, ‘Have you been clamped recently?

Dear Mary... Q. I sent a thank-you letter for dinner to a couple whom I know only slightly. In the thank-you letter, I asked them to dinner. I have had no reply and the date has come and gone. Does this mean that they didn’t get the thank-you letter — in which case they will think me rude for not thanking them? Should I write again? Or does it mean that they are rude in not replying to my invitation? V.I., London W12 A. Rudeness is unlikely. If they live in London, where the post is now so bad that party invitations are frequently sent by hand or by email, they may not have received your letter. The other possibility is that they saw you had sent a thank-you letter, assumed it was all guff, and didn’t bother reading it all the way through.

Dear Mary... Q. I am becoming increasingly annoyed by friends and acquaintances who think it is acceptable to snort coke. At civilised dinner parties, we find increasingly that someone will bring it out in a pathetic attempt to show they are still young and groovy and rather good fun. Living in seedy west London and working with people whose relations have been murdered in turf wars, I am becoming more and more incensed at the irresponsibility of this behaviour by people who should know better but are well protected from the consequences of their actions. How do we deal with this without ruining everybody's party? Name and address withheld A. Why not play devil’s advocate by blandly proposing a debate — ‘Does cocaine fall under the umbrella of Fair Trade?

Dear Mary... Q. I am a 22-year-old man and I recently left university. While I had thought that I would at least be engaged to be married by now, the truth is that I find it almost impossible to date girls. It seems to me that girls of my age adopt a herd-like strategy when they go out, making it terrifying or threatening for boys to approach them individually. When you do so, if you talk to one girl, the others in the herd all stare expectantly or titter. On top of this, every time I pass a news-stand, I see girls’ magazines shouting out ‘demand four orgasms a night from your man’ and similar. The girls all seem so confident, yet most of my male friends feel as reticent as I do. What should we do, Mary?M.G.B., Boars Hill, Oxford A.

Dear Mary... Q. I design clothes and have rented a small shop in west London from which to purvey my wares while maintaining my primary residence on the Welsh borders. I am in London for only three days a week but am trying to keep costs down. I therefore have installed a day bed in the back room of the shop which I find perfectly comfortable. There is a lavatory downstairs and if I want to have a shower I can do so at the Lansdowne Club. The trouble is that my subscription is coming up for renewal and I am wondering whether I can cut costs even further by going to ‘public baths’. Is there such a thing in the Notting Hill area or are they a thing of the past? Name withheld, Hay-on-Wye A.

Dear Mary... Q. What should a host do when two sets of guests are at daggers drawn? It was supposed to be a jolly house party last weekend but my sister plus family of four got on very badly with a colleague of my wife’s who had brought his family of four. The atmosphere went sour following a row over the three-minute silence, but this was really just a mask for the general dyspepsia suffered by my wife’s colleague, who drinks and eats too much and whose business is going badly. The general merriment and air of celebration which should have prevailed was effectively stymied by the stand-off. How can a host make sure people who never really meant to fall out in the first place can make friends again and still save face? H.S., Dorset A.