Mary Killen

Q. Returning from a trade fair held at a neighbouring stately home I was reminded of the apophthegm ‘a fool and his money are soon parted’. Before my visit I thought a trade fair was full of dusty men with brawny arms selling exotic tools such as adzes, bradawls and drill braces. This, however, was the County female contingent prepared — as vendors at various bric-à-brac stalls — to embark on a discursive rambling gossip with any customer. These conversations were of such detail and duration that my wife, who is generally reliable in stores and shops, found it impossible to move on without making a purchase (in the same way that return invitations are issued by guests leaving a dinner party).

Q. We have lived in a very nice, civilised square in south London for nearly 20 years. It’s surprisingly private and everyone gets on well. One of our neighbours is an eminent Liberal Democrat peer of the realm. Unfortunately his wife and he persist in aggressively canvassing and leafleting our neighbours and us, even though they know that I have belonged to the Conservative party since before the Liberal Democrats were even formed. I would never consider canvassing their household and I consider this macho flaunting of their political affiliations to be bad form, and actually rather rude. Can you tell me how I can make this plain to them without seeming rude in return?Name and address withheldA.

Q. At a sumptuously catered private view, a well-known London art gallery director bounced up with very expressive congratulations about my latest book. My initial delight soon turned to numb shock when I realised she had confused me with Peter York, an older man. Of course I said nothing, but took the earliest opportunity to back away and rejoin the giggling, champagne-fuelled throng. What might I have said at the time? How can I most thoroughly avenge myself?S.B., London SE11 A. I am surprised you (born 1951) wanted to punish the galleriste for confusing you with the style guru Peter York (born 1942). Peter York, né Wallis, has kept his Peter Pan looks and plumped complexion through a decades-long diet of consuming exclusively oily fish.

Q. While staying at a house party in Norfolk I lost a much loved and very expensive Georgina von Etzdorf scarf. And I’m afraid that when I couldn’t find it I suspected one of the other guests â” who’d admired it and who was in the bedroom next to mine â” of taking it. My suspicion became a conviction and I accused her, behind her back, to anyone who knew her, of being a thief. Of course, the scarf has now turned up â” discovered by the cleaning lady under my bed. I am now feeling rather ashamed of myself. What should I do to scotch the rumours I have started?E.B., London W12 A. You have borne false witness against your neighbour.

Q. I think I can offer you a solution to a problem which may plague others who spend intimate time with oenophiles and are driven to distraction by slurping. My brother is a mad wine-lover. He slurps his wine noisily. He is a physicist, and seems to be keen to prove that he can defy the laws of gravity by causing liquids to travel upwards rather than downwards. I have managed to persuade him of what I think is perfectly true: that in the case of an older vintage, one tottering on its last legs, the fact is that if it is slurped, the oxygenation caused by the slurping causes the delicate wine to lose its last grasp on life. Whereas, when sipped with great delicacy and minimal intake of air, as normal people drink anything, a great deal more of the wine’s flavour comes through. B.T.

Q. I work in a City office, staffed mainly by young, trendy middle-class males, most of whom like to sport the silly fashion of trousers almost dropping off, exposing vast expanses of undergarments, in some cases almost bare buttocks! We girls don’t have a problem with this, but are disgusted by one young man who is obviously wearing the same underpants for several days, in fact almost two weeks — not a pretty sight. How do we politely approach him with a view to suggesting he become more hygienic with his personal grooming?S.J., London NW2 A. One of you should send a round-robin email. ‘Lost within the office, an unopened packet of Calvin Klein Anime woven black-and-white boxer shorts bought as a present and mislaid somewhere in the building. Has anyone seen them?

Q. Please help me urgently. I have made a terrible social faux pas. Two very good friends asked me to be godfather to their children. One child is Oscar, the other Tom. I accepted enthusiastically because, for all my other faults, I am a very good godfather. Last week I discovered the christenings of both are on the same date — in a month’s time — over 100 miles from each other. I had stupidly put one down in my work diary and the other in my social one. What can I do?B.D., Wandsworth, London SW18 A. This can only be resolved by seniority. The older baby should have precedence.

Q. We have friends who regularly invite us to dinner. Because I know that they have little appreciation of fine wine, we generally and generously like to bring a bottle of quality wine as a gift, to complement both the meal and the company. However, it is rarely opened and I and indeed others who may be invited find ourselves sitting through an otherwise enjoyable meal drinking an altogether unsuitable offering. I am sure that it would be rude to insist that our bottle be opened, but is there another way to coax our host into allowing us to enjoy the fruits of our labours?M.G.K., London A. To circumvent this problem you can telephone, shortly in advance of your arrival, to announce pleasantly your willingness to bring something from your own cellar to complement the fare being served.

Q. I look after 60 little girls at a boarding prep school. We have an ongoing struggle with headlice and nits. Combing these pestilential creatures out of long hair with nit combs and conditioner is almost a full-time job. (The parents do not want us to use organophosphates.) What can I do, Mary? Even if I do manage to get each girl’s head cleared, as soon as they go home one of them becomes reinfested through contact with a younger sibling and the whole thing starts all over again.Name and address withheld A. It is much less time-consuming to perform the treatment in a backwash sink. A company called LSE which supplies the luxurious furniture to the Jo Hansford salon in London’s Mount Street can sell ‘one-offs’ to non-hairdressers. Their website is www.lsehair.

Q. The most recent dog to arrive uninvited at our house, a little terrier, happened to behave impeccably, but in the past I have opened the doors to a variety of hounds from hell who have climbed on furniture, left messes and stolen food from the larder. You cannot very well turn people away when they arrive with uninvited dogs, but what would you suggest as a punishment fit for this crime?E.G., Fosbury, Wilts A. Welcome the dog, then pleasantly regale its owners with the cautionary tale of the guests who turned up at a nearby household with an uninvited naughty dog which wreaked havoc, desecrating carpets and beds.

Q. I am at a co-ed day school and have been going out with a boy in my year for six months. Last week he dumped me. What has made it worse is that everyone in school has reacted by saying that they could not understand why I was going out with him in the first place as I am — according to them — ‘fit and cool’ and he is not. If this is really true it makes me feel there must be something terribly wrong with me, which only someone going out with me would know. How can I find out what it is? My former boyfriend will not admit there was anything wrong. He keeps saying, ‘It just wasn’t working.’ Please help, Mary.Name and address withheld A. You reveal that you are perceived as ‘fit and cool’ and your former boyfriend is not.

Q. I am in the process of restoring an old barn and want to use only environmentally friendly, locally available or recycled materials. However, the clipboard Nazis at the local council have told me I must coat my exposed beams with fire-retardant paint. I am very anxious to avoid the chemicals contained in these paints. Have you any suggestions, Mary?P.J.K., Cirencester A. Why not take a tip from Lady Bamford’s eco-spa at Daylesford just down the road from you? The spa, housed in an old farm building behind the fashionable shop, was transformed by architect Spencer Fung to a strict ecological brief.

Q. I deeply fancy someone in my office who sits near me. Our exchanges have always been businesslike and I doubt she has noticed my interest. The other women I work with appear to find me congenial and we socialise outside the office although none seems to perceive me as a ‘sex object’. Having said that, former partners have never complained. I don’t want to risk ongoing embarrassment by making a move and being rejected, so how can I find out first if I have any chance? Name and address withheld A. Choose one of your female colleague friends to act as unwitting emissary. Confide that your concentration is being affected by vivid nightly dreams involving romantic congress with this woman which disconcert you during the day when you sit in such close proximity.

Q. A dear friend has been going to Pilates classes. She is very proud of her newly taut torso, but I fear she has been taking the discipline too seriously. She now has the rigid bearing of someone wearing an invisible neck brace, and the last time we hugged I was left with the sense of having hugged something more resembling an ironing board than a human body. I feel I am in no position to make any comments since my own body mass index is 26.1 and it would seem like sour grapes, but should I say something, Mary, and if so what?C.B., Berkshire A. Pilates practitioners are trained to visualise their ‘inner corsets’ when going about their day-to-day business, and when the progress of transformation is going well it is easy for the tautness to become triumphalist.

Q. Some friends and I have been discussing the vexed question of vegetarians, and opinions are divided as to whether they should announce this (or any other dietary requirements) when an invitation is given, or wait until they arrive. The former suggests that something special needs to be prepared for them, while the latter could cause a last-minute panic for the host/hostess if nothing suitable was to hand. Perhaps any host/hostess would be wise nowadays to check this when issuing the invitation, but please give us your guidance, dear Mary!F.W., Siena, Italy A. I have taken guidance from a much-in-demand vegetarian within my own circle. She is someone who, unusually, manages to carry off this social handicap without it impacting on her popularity.

Q. My new husband has baggage from his previous life in the form of two best friends, a couple he has known for over 20 years. The female member of this couple drives me nuts. My husband, who adores her (and definitely does not fancy her), says she is not trying to wind me up, I am just reading her wrong and she is a lovely person. I can just about bear to have dinner with them occasionally, but now they have invited us to spend a week with them at their incredible house in the sun. It is luxurious there and my husband has been many times and longs to return. I don’t want to deny him his friendship, nor this holiday, but I don’t think I could keep my cool if I was at this woman’s mercy on her own territory. Losing my cool may, I fear, be exactly what she hopes for.

Q. Speaking of pellets, as you did last week, may I ask something else? Whenever I have eaten birds, it has always been quite an informal occasion where one didn’t have to worry about, well, what to do with shot. One could simply more or less neatly take it out of one’s mouth. But if one were dining more formally and the issue arose — is it necessary to swallow? B.T., Berkeley, California A. It is never necessary to swallow shot. Having worked it to the tip of your tongue, give your lips a swift wipe with your napkin and let the shot be swept to the floor as you do so. Should contact with the floor be audible, ignore the sound — no need to comment. Q.

Q. Two years ago I dispatched a spoof Christmas letter to a select handful of friends thinking this might amuse them. I committed all the standard crimes: blow-by-blow accounts of (fictitious) holidays and activities; an insistence on the good looks, academic prowess and remarkable musicality of our children; my own successes; our soaring incomes; hilarity at the expense of the au pair; new kitchen and so on. I referred to the continuing asylum status of my daughter’s Afghan husband, sketching in how they had met when she was researching the impact of the previous year’s poppy crop on the local farmers for her forthcoming book, All Spaced Out and Nowhere to Go, and neatly deflecting any unwanted whiff of an imperfect situation by mentioning the massive advance from Hodders.

Q. I have an aversion to shaking hands. How should I avoid this, without giving offence? My doctor informs me that more germs are passed by hand than by kissing. At my club no one shakes hands, unless they are being introduced to someone for the first time. However, even that I find trying. I just don’t like touching someone else’s hands. What should I do?I.S., London SE11 A. Why not make a point of cultivating the Social Hug? Extend your arms right out like a semaphore operator and close in on the friend or new acquaintance. Then rest your hands on their back. In this way you will not come into contact with any fleshy parts while still giving the appearance of having made an enthusiastic greeting. Hugging is a widely enjoyed unclammy experience.

Q. I belong to a small reading group in the village in which I live and have always enjoyed our meetings. Recently, however, one member of the group took it upon herself to invite a new neighbour to join us. We wanted to be welcoming and so said nothing; unfortunately, however, the newcomer has rather too much to say for herself, none of it worth listening to. She is also entirely lacking in self-awareness and so, despite increasingly obvious hints, does not realise just how much we resent her raucous tones and attention-seeking. She also likes rotten books and drives a Footballers’ Wives’ car. This woman has spoiled the group’s atmosphere and several of us are now wondering whether to bother to attend the next meeting. What should we do?J.A., Hertfordshire A.