Mary Killen

Q. The other day I walked into a local restaurant where I saw two people I usually meet up with each year at a certain house-party. They greeted me with yelps of anticipation and asked was I excited about meeting up again next month. I had to admit that no, I wasn’t excited since our host, one of my closest friends (let’s call her Janey) who I see three times a week, has not mentioned the gathering this year and I had therefore assumed it was not taking place. My exclusion from the guest-list baffles me but my conscience is clear, so I am curious rather than hurt. Has there been some sort of misunderstanding between us?

Q. I am frequently invited to book launches. I always make a point of buying a copy of the book in question and leave the party with every enthusiastic intention of reading it. Yet these books tend to lie about on my coffee table unread, making me feel slightly guilty and embarrassed. I wonder whether, in these circumstances, should I really go to these parties at all?A.B., London W8A. Take steps to discipline yourself in the following way: each time you accept an invitation to a book launch make sure you keep the following day completely clear. Therefore if someone asks you to lunch on Wednesday, say, ‘Sorry, I’m going to a book launch on Tuesday night, so I need to keep eight hours free on the Wednesday to actually read the book.

Q. Last week I had dinner with some old friends in London. My husband was unable to join us since he was working late but came to pick me up at the end of the evening. When he arrived everyone had finished eating but we were all still sitting at the table. When a man walks into a room with ten people sitting at a table, one of whom is his wife and the other nine of whom he knows well, to whom should he correctly ‘go’ first? Opinion seems to be divided as to whether he should go first to his wife (who is quite cross with him for working late), or to one of his hosts. A.E., Wilts A. He correctly goes first to his hostess then takes in his wife en route to his host.

Q. At a recent lunch in an hotel to celebrate my parents’ wedding anniversary, my wife and I found ourselves engaged in animated conversation by our respective neighbours on all manner of interesting topics. However, in their enthusiasm they seemed totally oblivious to our need to deal with our well-behaved but still very young children who were sitting between us. What is the right balance to strike in such a situation when one’s children — both under two and being good as gold for the first hour or so — begin to show promise of hurling bread rolls all around the room?D.R., LondonA.

Q. Unlike your correspondent J.G. of Bath, I received a prompt and fulsome letter from my 15-year-old godson thanking me for the money I had sent him at Christmas. Unfortunately, this year I had sent no gifts of any kind to any of my godchildren. I did sheepishly admit this to his mother, but she refused to believe me. What should I do to rectify this?A.R., East Sussex A. The boy may have mixed you up with another godparent in a case of embarrass de richesse. You should resolve the matter by sending him some cash anyway. Remind him as you do so that there may well be another godparent to whom he owes a letter — he having possibly thanked you in error instead of the genuine beneficiary.

Q. Is there a tactful way to invite certain favourite old friends to dinner but without their partners? I have no wish to exclude or be cruel to anyone, but I know from personal experience that sometimes people are only too happy to go out separately. My own husband, for example, is delighted to be excused a drunken dinner if he has already booked in to play bridge somewhere else. Yet I always feel I must invite both members of a couple to avoid hurting feelings, and assume that most people feel they should both accept an invitation for the same reason. A.E., Pewsey, Wilts A. Why not pretend to be slightly stupider than your friends give you credit for and throw a series of astrological theme parties? Let us say your favourite old friend is a Capricorn.

Q. When I was a boy men who dyed their greying hair were something of a laughing-stock. Now I notice that many 50- and 60-something politicians, rock stars and television presenters have apparently failed to age in the normal way. I wonder whether I should prepare to follow their lead, Mary, or risk looking past it by contrast to my peers? I am only 36, but rogue white/grey hairs are starting to appear in my normally all-black thatch. D. d’F., London SW10 A. It is acceptable for males who appear on television to have had their hair coloured. Note the passive clause.

Q. A friend decided to celebrate her anticipated Christmas bonus by taking a day’s shooting and kindly invited me to be one of the guns. She emailed that most of her other guests were booked into the hotel near the estate for bed and dinner the night before. Would I like to book a room and a place at the table? My dilemma was that the shoot happens to belong to one of my greatest friends and the Scottish side of me recoiled at the thought of a hotel bill when I would be welcome in the house. I asked myself, would it be seen as pulling rank for me to stay in the house? By contrast, would it be patronising to the other guests for me not to stay there when it would have become obvious that I knew the shoot like the back of my hand? Mary, I fear I made the wrong decision.

Q. Six months ago an acquaintance asked me to lunch in the country, apparently to discuss some business she might be able to put my way. I don’t drive and the journey there and back was gruelling, involving taking a tube, then a train and then a mix-up over where we had agreed to rendezvous. The business proposition never materialised and lunch itself was a little trying. I accepted an offer from the highly energetic woman next to me (rather courageously clad in leather trousers) to go to a concert the following week. The event was pleasant enough and the lady appeared to know several people gathered in the foyer afterwards, so, having declined an offer of scrambled eggs in the outer suburbs where she resides, I thanked her and went home.

Once again Mary has invited some of her favourite achievers to submit personal queries for her attention. From Lord Marland Q. There are two restaurants in London which I go to very regularly. I have known the staff in both of these for a long time and they always greet me by name. ‘Yes, Mr Marland. No, Mr Marland. Three bags full, Mr Marland.’ They haven’t cottoned on to the fact that I am no longer Mister. I am not seeking to be snooty or to appear to be correcting them but how can I gracefully convey — purely for the purposes of accuracy and to put a stop to the quips from friends who are dining with me — that I am no longer Mister Marland? A. There is nothing for it but to treat your elder son to some dinners with his friends.

Q. In the summer I became engaged to a sweet young thing. We did not wish to announce our good fortune in the newspapers and have not yet set a date for our wedding. As Christmas draws nearer we are wondering to what extent we should combine our cards. Many of my friends are scattered around the world and may not meet my fiancée in the foreseeable future (although most of them — and those of my fiancée — know of my good fortune) and we wonder if it might be appropriate to send cards signed by us both, presumably with an explanation for those unlikely to be in the know. What do you think, Mary?Name withheld, London A.

Q. The convention with regard to tipping in restaurants is that one leaves 10 per cent of the bill and hopes it will go to the staff. The bill, however, includes both hidden VAT on the cost of the meal and a mark-up of 250 per cent or more on the wine. The first is a government tax, and the other has nothing to do with the staff, so I do not think I should pay 10 per cent on either. I have considered deducting one fifth of the bill and leaving 10 per cent of the remainder (after explaining to the manager what I was doing) but have not had the confidence to do so, as it might look as though my purpose was to give the staff as little as I thought I could get away with. Could I reasonably expect my point of view to be understood?C.H.C., Bath A.

Q. I attend a small weekly prayer group in my tiny local church. Some mildly personal (not intimate) matters are made topics of prayer. Before the last meeting, being a moderately vain male, I happened to have my hair styled and lightly tinted (my natural colour). Immediately on my leaving the church, the remaining three parishioners broke out into raucous laughter (I could hear them through the solid oak door). The laughter was clearly a reaction to me; I am not being paranoid. I feel reluctant to join them again, yet I should not be kept away by their finding me ridiculous. Should I ask them bluntly why they laughed at me? (‘Was it my hair, what I said, or just me?

Q. For over 23 years I have rented a beat on a South Ayrshire river. For the last six years the proprietor’s wife has cooked for my party, and her food is delicious. Since the beginning of this arrangement I have paid her a fixed sum without an invoice. This year, to my surprise, at the end of the week, her husband handed me a letter itemising the cooking costs with a hefty 30 per cent increase in the price. There was no prior notification of this increase, but I paid the account. The proprietor and his wife have become good friends, and I do not wish to upset them. How do you suggest I write to them explaining that this is not the correct way to do things and if the cook wanted an increase, it should have been mentioned ab initio when I made the booking?

Q. Several weeks ago I was asked to keep clear a date in November for a surprise 60th birthday party. In anticipation I purchased a carefully chosen and expensive gift which, being particular for the host, is of no use to me and cannot be given elsewhere or returned to the shop. The formal invitation arrived and the party is to be held at a restaurant. Enclosed with the invitation was a menu from which to choose my dinner and a request that I return my choice with a cheque to cover the cost. I have entertained the host, who is quite able to afford the price of the meal, on many occasions at my expense.

Q. I knew that legal aid lawyers like myself were facing a difficult future, but I was caught somewhat off guard when a barrister colleague told me that she had just turned 40 and wondered if she were too old to ‘go on the game’ as an alternative career option. As she is a frequent opponent, I knew that anything short of honesty would undermine my credibility with her, and yet I did not want to be ungallant. I said that I thought she could manage it, but might have to specialise. Do you think I got it about right? M.D.S., Gravesend, Kent A. Congratulations on your intelligent response to this clearly rare presentation. Q. A dear bachelor colleague has a problem with personal hygiene.

Q. I am 24 and have just thrown my first drinks party — 120 people came and, although everyone enjoyed themselves, I am conscious that I failed as a host in one important way. I did not introduce people to each other. I found it too difficult to do this as, each time I tried to shepherd someone across the room towards someone I had promised them they would meet, I found myself ambushed en route by other friends and never arriving at the target. What is the technique for circulating fluidly through a party when every single one of the guests is one of your own friends? M.B., London W11 A. In order for a junior host to achieve the maximum volume of introductions it is necessary for him to remain in position near the party’s entry point.

Q. I have received an email from a long-term dear acquaintance who lacks certain social graces because of long hours spent alone in his studio — he is a glass sculptor. It is an invitation to his birthday and he has provided two dates for a celebratory dinner, but unfortunately it has been phrased in such a way as to imply that he will reserve judgment as to which day it is to be. Given that we all have a busy social life and as an artist he is of a brittle disposition, how can I gently remind him that we cannot allocate two weekends on ‘stand-by’ as if we were budget flyers? I fear that this type of behaviour is becoming more and more common in these times of emails, texting and ‘mobile triangulating’ when it comes to social invitations. E.J., London SW1 A.

Q. I am now working from home and am therefore in situ when my Korean cleaners arrive each week. What is the correct way to behave in this situation? Although their English is limited, they are clearly intelligent; both their children have won scholarships to excellent schools. I fear that my current mode — making them cups of tea — is getting on their nerves.M.S., Rozelle, NSW, Australia A.You are disconcerting these cleaners by acting in a way that their cultural background will not have prepared them for. Whereas in the West the polite fiction is ‘we are all good friends’, in the East the polite fiction is ‘I have respect for you — particularly if I am being paid to work for you’.

Q. A few weeks ago we had a 25th wedding anniversary dance. Old and new friends came from far and wide. A clutch of beautiful presents was left for us in the hall, which we did not expect. One had an unsigned card (from a Dover Street Art Gallery). The present is the most stunning set of silver salad servers. I am in agony at being unable to thank the kind person who gave us these. Going through the guest list, I eliminated all those who gave presents with cards attached. Then I picked three particularly stylish girlfriends who were likely to have given such a present; I emailed them with my mystery but felt embarrassed. All three said they weren’t the donors but said, ‘Your present is still being made.