Mary Killen

Q. I will be celebrating a ‘milestone’ birthday this summer and marking the event with a cocktail party for 60 one evening and a dinner for 100 on another. Having lived in various parts of the globe over the years (now New York), a large number of guests are flying in from far-flung lands to join in the celebrations. My dilemma, Mary, is how best to word my invitations regarding the delicate matter of gift-giving by well-meaning friends. Here are some of the concerns with which I’m presently struggling. At this point in my life I am fortunate enough to have all the material possessions one could reasonably want or hope for (with, I suppose, the exceptions of a helicopter, Bentley, etc).

Q. Over the past three years a small birthday lunch party has been given for me by the mother of my daughter’s best friend at school. She invites a handful of other school mothers, and as we leave for the school run she says, ‘Same time, same place, next year!’ It is so sweet of her. I do take her out to lunch but cannot return the birthday-party favour, as her birthday falls outside term time. My problem is that I fear the tradition has run its course. I do not like having to commit myself a year in advance, and neither, I sense, do the other mothers. Our hostess could not be kinder, but she has more time on her hands than we do.

Q. I have always had snaggle teeth but seem to have got away with it so far. They have given me no trouble and my husband says they are one of my most endearing features. Now, however, a new dentist has suggested that I have the whole lot straightened. This will involve months in braces and will cost £3,000. But is it worth it at my age? (I am 46.) It is so hard to get friends to give an honest answer when I press them. Name and address withheld A. Why not bring a photo to Snappy Snaps, the high-street photo and digital specialists, and have them straighten your teeth digitally? Their retouching services start at £10 and also include slimming or whatever else you can think of (www.snappysnaps.com).

Q. My best friend is widely admired by those few men who have the opportunity to meet her. She wants a boyfriend but her work brings her into contact with virtually no single heterosexual men and she has exhausted the potential in our social circle. Her brother and I want her to change her job so she comes into contact with more single men, but she is understandably reluctant to move away from her current office which offers idyllic surroundings in which to work, not least because she is allowed to bring her dog in. We are keen for her to try speed-dating but she has turned her nose up at this saying, ‘only desperate people do speed-dating’. The clock is ticking and we feel the situation is desperate.

Q. I have a close, dear girlfriend of many years standing. She is extremely glamorous and quite youthful but is nevertheless a Suffolk housewife, the mother of five children and the wife of an extremely conservative and highly respected member of White’s. My quandary is how to confront her about her reckless and inappropriate pursuit of ancient rock stars and her attempts to turn herself into a rock-chick diva. Wearing eye-wateringly tight crotch-skimming shorts with bovver boots, she ‘grooves and boogies’ in the VIP areas of rock concerts. Her uncoordinated arm waving and hip swivelling in ‘man in drag’ lip and eyeliner while shouting ‘yeah!’ throughout each set rather ruins things for some of us old-timers.

Q. A young man from Oz, the son of a friend of my wife, has been staying for several weeks. He walks into the house and helps himself to a beer or a banana or a toasted cheese sandwich. This is what they do in American soaps, opening the fridge without even saying hello, but it is slightly at odds with the upbringing of our children who are encouraged to ask before helping themselves. My wife believes this shows that he feels at home and that, if I disapprove, I should ask him next time to bring back some beer, bananas, bread or cheese. I prefer a different approach, making sure that we have no beer, bananas, bread or cheese in the house, so that he’ll learn from the consequences of his actions. Which is the correct response?Name and address withheld A.

Q. Please can you advise me? I am a bachelor living on my own and I have my shirts ironed by a very nice lady in the village. She does a great job, but I am getting increasingly annoyed as she leaves my shirts hanging in the kitchen and then proceeds to cook a roast dinner (or similar) before I can pick them up. She is incredibly friendly but very thin-skinned. How can I subtly suggest that she stores them somewhere else so I don’t smell of roast lamb when I wear my clothes? I did think about providing clothes covers but fear this might not have the desired effect, as she might only cover them immediately before I pick them up. Thank you.R.C., Chester. A.

Q. Several years ago I had a well-respected broadsheet editor to stay for the weekend. The house party included another friend who has since become a rising star in the world of politics. Last Sunday, as I leafed my way through the newspapers, I almost choked on my breakfast cereal when I saw a large photograph which included the editor, the politician, myself and assorted guests. I have since discovered that several other photographs, taken during this private house party, have appeared in the public domain. As I consider them to be friends, how should I express my disapproval to the former editor? And should I invite them back? R.D., County Antrim A. Mete out the following punishment.

Q. My son is on his gap year and travelling around India. While having lunch with a friend she showed me a website on to which her son has posted a blog of his gap year. By the looks of it virtually every 18–19-year-old public schoolchild in the country has done the same. Endless faces in various states of stupefaction leer out against tropical backgrounds accompanied by descriptions of how ‘chilled’ everyone is. I am only human so when she suggested typing my son’s name into the search box I naturally concurred. I was initially shocked to see that he too looked stupefied in his photographs and he too is boasting of being ‘chilled’ and describing how ‘wasted’ he feels each morning.

Q. I find myself constantly smarting — for want of a better phrase — from the presumptions of instant matey-ness one encounters in almost every human interchange in English day-to-day life. Why should someone I have never met before address me by my Christian name? Why should the youth from the local garage who has never clapped eyes on me let alone been introduced (but who knows full well that I am a Lord) telephone me saying, ‘Hi Alex, do you want to test drive the latest BMW we’ve got in?’ I am 33 and some of my friends say that I am being pompous, and that this epidemic of bogus familiarity is the modern way and I must go along with it. The problem is that because I am a viscount, people assume I am trying to pull rank. This is not the case.

Q. The tennis coach at our village club was recently coaching one of his young clients. On the next court, one of the club regulars and her new middle-aged male friend were completing a strenuous game. The man suddenly collapsed and the coach, a trained first-aider, identified the symptoms of cardiac arrest and applied the necessary heart massage and mouth-to-mouth. It took over half an hour for the ambulance to arrive, during which time the victim’s partner became increasingly hysterical and distressed, offering very little by way of practical support while the coach continued to alternate chest compressions with oral ventilation. The man fortunately survived, largely because of the cool head of the coach, and he can now be seen walking hand in hand with his partner in the village.

Q. I am on my gap year and looking for work as a tutor, which I understand is very well paid. The key months for Common Entrance, AS- and A-level revision are almost upon us and, although I have my details up on the noticeboards of various local schools, I have had no inquiries. I can’t afford to advertise and I do not want to sign up with an agency because I don’t want to give up half my wages on commission. Can you recommend an internet site where I can tout myself?B.W., London SW3 A. No. The following method will reap better results. Have some photo-cards printed up and, crucially, glued to flat magnetic disks as used in sewing — available from Peter Jones’s haberdashery department.

Q. The other day I walked into a local restaurant where I saw two people I usually meet up with each year at a certain house-party. They greeted me with yelps of anticipation and asked was I excited about meeting up again next month. I had to admit that no, I wasn’t excited since our host, one of my closest friends (let’s call her Janey) who I see three times a week, has not mentioned the gathering this year and I had therefore assumed it was not taking place. My exclusion from the guest-list baffles me but my conscience is clear, so I am curious rather than hurt. Has there been some sort of misunderstanding between us?

Q. I am frequently invited to book launches. I always make a point of buying a copy of the book in question and leave the party with every enthusiastic intention of reading it. Yet these books tend to lie about on my coffee table unread, making me feel slightly guilty and embarrassed. I wonder whether, in these circumstances, should I really go to these parties at all?A.B., London W8A. Take steps to discipline yourself in the following way: each time you accept an invitation to a book launch make sure you keep the following day completely clear. Therefore if someone asks you to lunch on Wednesday, say, ‘Sorry, I’m going to a book launch on Tuesday night, so I need to keep eight hours free on the Wednesday to actually read the book.

Q. Last week I had dinner with some old friends in London. My husband was unable to join us since he was working late but came to pick me up at the end of the evening. When he arrived everyone had finished eating but we were all still sitting at the table. When a man walks into a room with ten people sitting at a table, one of whom is his wife and the other nine of whom he knows well, to whom should he correctly ‘go’ first? Opinion seems to be divided as to whether he should go first to his wife (who is quite cross with him for working late), or to one of his hosts. A.E., Wilts A. He correctly goes first to his hostess then takes in his wife en route to his host.

Q. At a recent lunch in an hotel to celebrate my parents’ wedding anniversary, my wife and I found ourselves engaged in animated conversation by our respective neighbours on all manner of interesting topics. However, in their enthusiasm they seemed totally oblivious to our need to deal with our well-behaved but still very young children who were sitting between us. What is the right balance to strike in such a situation when one’s children — both under two and being good as gold for the first hour or so — begin to show promise of hurling bread rolls all around the room?D.R., LondonA.

Q. Unlike your correspondent J.G. of Bath, I received a prompt and fulsome letter from my 15-year-old godson thanking me for the money I had sent him at Christmas. Unfortunately, this year I had sent no gifts of any kind to any of my godchildren. I did sheepishly admit this to his mother, but she refused to believe me. What should I do to rectify this?A.R., East Sussex A. The boy may have mixed you up with another godparent in a case of embarrass de richesse. You should resolve the matter by sending him some cash anyway. Remind him as you do so that there may well be another godparent to whom he owes a letter — he having possibly thanked you in error instead of the genuine beneficiary.

Q. Is there a tactful way to invite certain favourite old friends to dinner but without their partners? I have no wish to exclude or be cruel to anyone, but I know from personal experience that sometimes people are only too happy to go out separately. My own husband, for example, is delighted to be excused a drunken dinner if he has already booked in to play bridge somewhere else. Yet I always feel I must invite both members of a couple to avoid hurting feelings, and assume that most people feel they should both accept an invitation for the same reason. A.E., Pewsey, Wilts A. Why not pretend to be slightly stupider than your friends give you credit for and throw a series of astrological theme parties? Let us say your favourite old friend is a Capricorn.

Q. When I was a boy men who dyed their greying hair were something of a laughing-stock. Now I notice that many 50- and 60-something politicians, rock stars and television presenters have apparently failed to age in the normal way. I wonder whether I should prepare to follow their lead, Mary, or risk looking past it by contrast to my peers? I am only 36, but rogue white/grey hairs are starting to appear in my normally all-black thatch. D. d’F., London SW10 A. It is acceptable for males who appear on television to have had their hair coloured. Note the passive clause.

Q. A friend decided to celebrate her anticipated Christmas bonus by taking a day’s shooting and kindly invited me to be one of the guns. She emailed that most of her other guests were booked into the hotel near the estate for bed and dinner the night before. Would I like to book a room and a place at the table? My dilemma was that the shoot happens to belong to one of my greatest friends and the Scottish side of me recoiled at the thought of a hotel bill when I would be welcome in the house. I asked myself, would it be seen as pulling rank for me to stay in the house? By contrast, would it be patronising to the other guests for me not to stay there when it would have become obvious that I knew the shoot like the back of my hand? Mary, I fear I made the wrong decision.