Mary Killen

Q. My son attends a drama school and, while I have always encouraged him to be open about his background, I was somewhat alarmed when he reported the following. He was talking to his fellow students about shooting, how much he enjoyed it — his father did it a lot, too, he added. His audience became more and more horrified until one exclaimed ‘Whoa, far too heavy — I mean I smoke spliff, but heroin? No way!’ Should he put the record straight? — T.L., Wantage, Oxon A. Your son should refuse to be drawn on the subject, should it come up again. It will be far better for his career as an actor if it is believed that he comes from a family of addicts rather than one which shoots defenceless animals for pleasure.  Q.

Q. Even in smart places, waiters have taken my plate away before I have finished, if my head is turned, or they take away a companion’s plate while I am still eating. I recently had a whole slice of beef fillet whipped away whilst I was chatting animatedly away to a fellow guest. How can I stop the waiters doing this? I refuse to hold on to my cutlery between mouthfuls! — A.S., Petersfield, Hampshire A. The waiter’s confusion is understandable since so many of those who can now afford to eat in restaurants are unfamiliar with the classic conventions of the table. For some, the signal to remove their plate is given at the moment they stop holding their knife and fork.

Q. Our son goes to a state primary school in west London which in most respects we are very happy with. However, the teachers correct him every time he says ‘what?’ and insist he says ‘pardon?’ instead. The upshot is that he now says ‘pardon?’ even at home. Is there anything we can do? We’re a bit reluctant to complain to the school lest we come across as thundering snobs, but if he acquires this habit now it may be difficult to shake when he gets older. — Name and address withheld A. Your dismay is understandable, but you are confusing etiquette with manners. The correct etiquette may be to say ‘what?’ but given the context, it is better manners for your son to use ‘pardon?

Q. I live two hours from London so when friends invite me to their book launches it is quite enough of an effort to get up to the capital without then having to find my way to some ‘ironic’ party venue. I recently had to walk ten minutes from the Tube to attend a launch in the basement of a pub near Tower Bridge, for example. Another launch was held at ‘The Old Horse Hospital’, some sort of underground cavern built in 1797 for the stabling of cabbies’ horses and into which you descend via a ramp instead of stairs. What on earth is wrong with the Polish Hearth Club on Exhibition Road, which used to fit the bill for every party giver, whatever their pretensions? — G.A.W., Pewsey, Wiltshire A.

Q. I cannot help but notice an alarming prevalence of disturbing eating habits among the middle-aged. Being 13 years of age complicates the matter as I feel it is not my place to comment on horrific table manners. I dread those moments when the vile sounds of those enjoying their gluttony penetrate my eardrums and, in the words of Charles Ryder in Brideshead Revisited, make my ‘bowels shrivel within me’. How may I remind my elders that, contrary to popular thought, manners are not dead but are central to civilised life? —T.S., Sydney, Australia A. While many readers will share your sentiments, most would agree that any sort of pompous attempt, by someone of 13, to discipline co-dining elders would be entirely inappropriate.

Q. I work in a large open-plan office and one of my neighbours is driving me to distraction. She has a number of peculiar habits, but the real source of my ire is that she wears at least eight gold bangles on her right arm which jangle loudly every time she moves. Other people around us are aware of this constant noise, but none of us has ever raised the issue. Please help, Mary. — J.L.G., Biggar, Lanarkshire A. Why not pay out of your own pocket for a feng shui expert to examine the office Qi with a view to enhancing productivity? Ensure the report’s conclusions include the recommendation that noises such as bangle-jangling, a known source of productivity blockage, should be outlawed.  Q. What is the correct protocol regarding Conrad Black?

Q. Is there a friendly way to cut short a telephone conversation? A certain woman always wants to talk at length even if I am only ringing to confirm that we will meet the next day for lunch. She becomes huffy if I suggest we leave all the catching up till then. — Name withheld, London W8 A. Why not put the ball in her court and let her be the one to cut short the chatter? Do this by ringing during an ad break of, say, Downton Abbey, saying, ‘I’m just ringing to confirm tomorrow at one.’ ‘Look forward to it,’ she will reply. ‘Shall we catch up then?’ Q. We have 50 teenagers coming to a Norfolk barn over half-term for a disco.

Q. I sent out email invitations to my forthcoming book launch. After a week, only about half of my A list had replied. Then I found that my spam box was full of acceptances, consigned there by my computer which had failed to recognise the email addresses of PAs, executive secretaries and in one case an ‘events co-ordinator’ accepting on behalf of my friends. Surely, Mary, it must be easier to click ‘reply’ to an email than to bother to brief a PA to do it for you? — R.J., LondonW11 A. Sometimes celebrities get aides to reply so that their private email addresses cannot be ‘harvested’ by publishing interns. However, having examined your invitation, I see that you have asked people to reply directly to you. Pretension is clearly at play.

Q. My son is 22. He has left Cambridge with a good degree, but also a mullet hairstyle (short and sticking out at the front and sides but long at the back). These are the key years when he could be getting a job and a girlfriend and, without the mullet, he would be exceptionally good-looking. I have begged, and even tried to bribe — to no avail. Any suggestions? — C.J., London SW3 A. The mullet is widely agreed to be the least flattering hairstyle available. No one suits it — but some of the young wear it for ironic reasons. Your son may be cannier than you think. Girls are excited, rather than put off, by men who could be so instantly transformed. Meanwhile the mullet is a useful camouflage.

Q. How do I deal with a dearly beloved wife who is beginning to display the same mildly eccentric behaviour of an aristocratic nature as her mother, also beloved by me? This week the timer went in the kitchen and my wife asked me to take off the greaseproof paper from the fillet of pork. This confused me as the roasting pan was still sitting on top of the oven and had yet to go in. Imagine my surprise when I opened the oven door to put it in and found two rather appealing stuffed mushrooms that apparently were meant to accompany the previous night’s supper. I thought nothing of this strange incident until this morning when i came down to find the swimming pool overflowing and the tap still on.

Q. I was fishing in the Highlands and had to take a two-hour taxi from Inverness to the cottage where I was staying. In such a situation, how does one silence a well-meaning but overly chatty driver? — Marcus W., London A. Ideally, you should take more of an interest in people. However, if you really dread such conversations on long taxi journeys, then make a point of entering the car wearing a windproof jacket (such as a Barbour) and a hat, regardless of forecast and condition. In this way, if it should turn out that the driver is a bit garrulous, you can chat animatedly for a short while before confiding that you suddenly feel a bit carsick and ask if you can open the window. You will find that the buffeting makes conversation all but impossible.

Q. My wife is known to run a very well-organised house. As a consequence, weekend guests often arrive without the right kit, assuming they can go and raid our boot room and borrow something belonging to one of our (seven) children rather than weighing themselves down with heavy boots and coats et cetera for their journey. My wife does not mind them doing this, but I do — it is the presumption that I mind. What do you suggest, Mary? — Name and address withheld A. Retrain the miscreants by mislaying the key to the boot room and instead offering them ‘pop-up’ raincoats fashioned from heavy duty garden refuse sacks or bin bags with holes scissored out for the head and arms. Let them undergo the indignity at least once before you find the key again.

Q. My son works in fashion and he does well, but he still lives at home. I am a good cook so I cook big dinners for him and his friends. When I see these silly thin girls sit at my table who eat hardly anything, I want to let them know that it is not healthy for them, it is wasteful; also demoralising for me to have made something very special that they will not try to enjoy. But my son says no — I must not spoil the atmosphere. Over to you, Mary? — Name and address withheld A. Load up the leftovers into personalised doggy bags in your kitchen and bring out a tray of the bespoke parcels while the guests are having coffee.

Q. I own a house in west London and my drawing-room window gives on to a pedestrian-only bottleneck where people hang around to smoke. Sometimes these are well-known and interesting figures who are on their way to a nearby newspaper office and I feel it would be fun to exchange a few words with them. Any suggestions as to how I can do this without appearing stalker-like, Mary? — Name withheld, London W8 A. Train a climbing plant, such as jasmine, up the front of your house so that you can go out and tend to it when you spot a particularly appealing smoker outside. In this way an informal dialogue can be naturally struck up without your undergoing any loss of dignity. Q.

Q. A friend of mine put five Coldplay tickets up for sale on Facebook. They were £80 each and I assumed they must be very good seats. I sent her the money. When they arrived I was surprised to see that they had originally been only £45 each. I made a wry comment to this effect but she expressed no guilt; she just said, ‘I rather hoped a close friend would not buy them — it is a bit of a side business for me.’ Mary, what is your view about this behaviour? — L.O., London W14 A. It was no surprise that your friend should wish to profiteer: her mistake was not to be straightforward. The correct protocol would have been to warn that she was making a mark-up, rather than letting people assume that the tickets were being passed among friends at cost. Q.

Q. Time is running out, but I hope you might be able to offer some last-minute help. An indulgent godmother is lending my 18-year-old son her immaculate mews house in London for the autumn while he ‘works’ on his gap year. He has no idea how to keep a house clean and tidy and any attempts made by me over the last few months to encourage/bully him to smarten up have met with failure. I do not want this extremely generous offer to spoil a special relationship but I fear he is going to mess up the house within minutes of arriving there. —Name and address withheld A. Incentivise the boy by explaining that he will have to hire a cleaner for the mews during his occupancy. This will cost £70 per week or £10 per hour for one hour per day.

Q. When we have people to stay for the weekend, each uses, I calculate, about 14 drinking receptacles a day: a glass at breakfast, one before both lunch and dinner and three at the table, plus five coffee or tea cups. There are five in my family and we often have ten people staying, so we wash up as many as 210 receptacles per day. We have two dish-washing machines but still can’t cope. What do you suggest?  — A.E., Pewsey, Wiltshire  A. Largesse at this level indicates the need for a third machine in your collection, namely a Bar Aid 500S glass-washer. You can buy one from Hansens at 306 Fulham Road, London SW10 for £2,340 plus VAT. It delivers 1,500 sparkling clean glasses per hour with a choice of 90- or 120-second cycles, while using only 2.

Q. An old friend invited me to have dinner with him in London. We had just sat down when a couple he knew walked into the restaurant. They were slightly drunk and noisy and very excited to see him and made quite a fuss around our table so other diners started to look over. My friend felt he had no option but to suggest the waiter pull up another table and the couple sit down and join us. Afterwards we both felt sorry we had not been able to chat to each other. How, without seeming unfriendly, could he have tactfully encouraged them to move on? — A.B., Great Dunmow A. Etiquette would have decreed that your friend stand up to greet the couple. Did he? Like all courtesies, this one has a practical purpose: it signals respect while discouraging lingering.