Mary Killen

Q. It is occasionally necessary for me to pretend to be asleep. What technique do actors use, when feigning death or sleep, to ensure their eyeballs are still and their eyelids do not flutter? — Name withheld, Hampshire A. To pre-empt fluttering, let the actual eyeballs look downwards behind the closed lids.  Q. Your correspondent in Bombay had trouble with teenage houseguests who were unaware of the convention of tipping. My recent problem was the reverse — my fellow guests and I wanted to tip after a long weekend abroad in which staff had done a lot of different things for us, but our female host refused to give us any guidance about the going rates in the country where we were staying.

Q. My godmother owns a house in a great part of London. She does not come up very often and she is very kindly allowing me to move in for a year with three university friends. I will be landlady and collect the very low rent she will charge us. It is amazingly kind of her so I am annoyed that one of my intended lodgers, who has never even met my godmother, but will benefit from her generosity just through being a friend of mine, refuses to contribute towards a cleaner. He says it will be a waste of money for us to spend, collectively, £120 a week (£30 each) on a cleaner, because we could spend that money giving two dinner parties a week instead.

Q. My literary agent has failed to return my emails and phone calls and it has been six weeks since we last talked. I don’t want to appear desperate but all I think about each day is — is my book going to be published, or not? Any suggestions? — Name and address withheld A. A little research on your agent’s website will reveal publication dates of forthcoming books by his other clients. Attend the launch party of one of these. In this way you can stage a casual encounter with your agent and make progress inquiries in a dignified manner.

Q. Flowers have arrived, allegedly from my boyfriend — but the bunch includes begonias and gloxinias, foliage tonged into ringlets, sheaths of cellophane and a large acetate ribbon. I am fairly certain the culprit is his new personal assistant. As they are in my country house, he won’t see them, so how can I, without seeming ungrateful or sour, convey the message that he should not trust this important chore again to someone with such poor judgment? — Name and address withheld A. Quickly take a snap of the bouquet on your mobile and email it to your boyfriend, along with a blandly affectionate message of thanks. Let the image speak for itself. Q. How can one find out a woman’s maiden name quickly, without looking like Lady Bracknell?

Q. Last week on a plane from Heathrow I sat next to a very attractive man. We started talking and I could tell he liked me too. Unfortunately, although we established that we both live in London, the flight was not quite long enough to warrant an exchange of telephone numbers. Unfortunately he lives in Highgate and I in Balham so I am unlikely to ever see him again. Mary, how could I have managed this better? I am not on Facebook. —Name and address withheld A. You could have said, ‘What’s that very good pub in Highgate called?’ When he replied, for example, ‘The King’s Arms?’ You would say, ‘Yes, that’s it. I have to go up to Highgate and collect a scarf I left there. They have been keeping it behind the counter for weeks.

Q. I live in Bombay and seem to attract a large number of house guests, notably friends’ daughters on their gap year. I am lucky in having an excellent maid and driver who go out of their way to take them around town, feed them up and do what they call ‘madam duty’, which is to wash their filthy clothes. Gap-year budgets are meant to be low but one would have thought that someone receiving free accommodation and food for a week could afford a small tip for staff. Unfortunately, at least half of our young visitors fail to understand this.

Q. How to stop parents chatting throughout school chapel services? Your advice to the organist at the leading public school will not work. I know because my son attends just such a school and services like confirmations and carol concerts are recorded. The parents are reminded that this will be happening but it does not stop them from chatting with gay abandon all the way through. Can’t you come up with something better? — L.P., Basingstoke, Hampshire A. Feedback from other schools suggests the problem is indeed widespread, but not universal. One way of controlling it is to give false deadlines for service starts.

Q. My mother lives in a fine old house in Jersey and has a lovely garden. Unfortunately her Portuguese gardener has contrived to make the place look as though it belongs to the seafront in Llandudno. He has placed a large plastic owl on top of a bush in the centre of what was once a lovely circular rosebed in the front of the house. What is more, he has rigged, around said bush, fairy lights in the shape of butterflies that change colours and wink on and off. My mother, who has excellent taste in house interiors, has no sense whatsoever about gardens and will not help. Can you think of any way to help to put an end to this without offending the gardener? — J.P., London SW1 A. It is your mother who lives in Jersey, not you.

Q. We entertain a lot and are used to coping with requests from guests who are vegetarian or have an allergy, etc. However, recently a guest replied that he would like to attend a dinner (given to enable discussion of a political matter) and he would like to eat either a 600g salmon steak or a beef steak, either to be served with boiled broccoli. What would be your reaction, Mary? —T.C., London W1 A. Normally one would withdraw the invitation with ‘Sorry, that could be problematic — perhaps another time’, but if this character’s attendance is important for political reasons, then go along with his stipulation, but so as to be seen to pander to him.

Q. I am the organist at a leading public school. We work hard to ensure that the boys are quiet and respectful in Chapel, which they attend every day. The behaviour of their parents, however, when they come for confirmation and carol services is appalling. They talk through the hymns, they talk through the anthem, they whisper through the sermon and prayers, and shout over the organ music: all of these seem to be impediments to their main aim, which is to chat. How can we get them to set a better example to their sons, and treat the event with the respect which I am sure, if asked, they would agree it deserves? — Name and address withheld A.

Q. My mother has had a minor physical setback which means it is currently too difficult for her to go out and see people. People consequently come to her, which is wonderful, but because she is so popular, they come in their hordes. It is not so much the provision of food and drinks which is the problem for her as a host, but the need to be ‘good value’ conversationally — sometimes up to four times a day for an hour at a time. What do you suggest, Mary? — Name and address withheld A. Chemotherapy patients often report that they much prefer it when two people come to keep them company during the ordeal rather than one. The two visitors can then chat across the bed and the patient can enjoy the company and the chat without having to be drained by joining in.

Q. Every morning I walk to work and stop to pick up a cappuccino from a local café outside which is invariably sitting a (handsome) man, alone apart from his dog, having breakfast. We always say hello and I sense that he likes at least the look of me, but there is no opportunity to say anything else. He must live locally but I don’t know who he is, and I can’t ask the people who run the café as they don’t speak English. I can’t sit down with him at the one table outside as that would be far too obvious (and too cold). I can tell he is shy too. Please help. — R.H., London W8 A.

Q. I would like to return the hospitality of a senior member of the royal family but my wife insists that an invitation is not expected and would only embarrass as we could not match the standards. Meanwhile I have heard that a friend of a friend of a friend has had this senior royal to stay, more than once, in very modest converted farm buildings in the West Country. What do you recommend? — Name and address withheld A. You need not issue a direct invitation — just a strongly hinting overture that he would be more than welcome. If and when top royals want to come and stay or visit you in your own home, and can square it with security costs, they will give an indication themselves.

Q. A friend, well known for having a dusty wallet, brought a bottle of champagne to our house. We were pleasantly surprised but, though it looked exactly like a real bottle of Oudinot Epernay, it did not feel quite heavy enough. On closer inspection, we saw that our friend had somehow picked up an empty display bottle and, because the label had a barcode, had paid the full amount, £24. He showed us the receipt. He said he would return it to the Marks & Spencer on the motorway near his home (rather than ours) and so we did not have a bottle of champagne after all, but we thought that at least he had shown willing. Now I discover by pure chance that another mutual friend had exactly the same experience with him last weekend.

Q.  My husband, aged 56, mutters constantly that he is not well.  He has a variety of symptoms and I suspect hypochondria, yet he will not put his mind (or mine) at rest by making an appointment with a doctor.  How can I make this happen? — A.O.T., London SW11 A. The way to make men go to the doctor is with a white lie, told for their own good. Tell them the surgery has rung, asking them to make an appointment for a check-up. This jolts them into action. By the time they have arrived in the consulting room, they are less concerned with whether their wife has tricked them into being there, and more interested in remembering what their symptoms are. Wives can help with a well-timed reminder by text.

Q. I understand that a free version of Eton will be opening in a village near Windsor next year. One of my boys is already at School, but for financial reasons I would like to get him moved across if the educational and aspirational standards at Freeton are the same. How do I get his name on the list? Obviously I do not wish to ask School for advice. —Name and address withheld A. The school you refer to is to be called Holyport College, not Freeton. It opens in September 2014 and is entirely funded by Eton College, to help state-style pupils enjoy some of the inspirational teaching given at the alma mater of Boris, Dave and Justin.

Q. Having recently relocated to my company’s Russian office, I now report to an uncouth Homo sovieticus. Knowing he’s the product of a society that had no time for so-called ‘bourgeois niceties’, I try not to judge when he slurps or speaks with his mouth full or places his knife and fork away from himself and against his plate in the 12 o’clock position at the end of a meal. I can even steel myself to bear his obsessive tooth-picking both at table and in the office. But much harder is his habitual nose-picking and bizarre tendency to rest thumb and forefinger inside his nostrils when talking to me. I try to look away, but then worry he’ll think I’m avoiding eye contact.

Q. My husband uses a wheelchair at airports all over the world but I find it very difficult to know when, and how much, to give the kind attendants. One man happily pocketed ten euros at Amsterdam last month, while another (a woman) refused to take anything at all. I believe it is standard to tip five or ten dollars in the US but I have had polite refusals in the UK and elsewhere.  Any advice on how much and where to proffer gratefully received. — S.S., Crieff A. Tipping etiquette is in chaos. Not only is there no international consistency but there has been a generational change so that even in London taxi-drivers have got used to people not tipping; in the country it has for some reason always been more normal not to tip taxis.

Q. I worked on the features desk of a newspaper for many years and had a desk in an office with dozens of colleagues around me every day. Now I freelance from home and do not meet any men — let alone other women. Mary, I do not fancy internet dating but what is your advice? — S.G., London W11 A. May I recommend combining your next holiday with a creative writing course? In this way you can kill three birds with one stone. You can get on with breaking the back of some non-commissioned writing you might be too lazy to do without a deadline; you can eat, drink, rest and not be cold without having to worry about shopping, cooking or washing up; and you may find some kindred spirits and extend your social network. These courses are quite affordable, all things considered.

Q. Just before Christmas I ran into a senior executive at a rival firm to the one where I currently work. She asked would I be interested in a job she thought she might have coming up and I said yes. I have heard nothing and I cannot casually inquire when bumping into her as, although we work in the same building, she is 20 floors up and our paths never cross. I dare not make discreet enquiries, as someone might talk and alert existing colleagues that I was being disloyal enough to consider leaving. Nor do I fancy ringing her directly and being humiliated to hear the job has gone to someone else and she has not bothered to tell me. How can I move things forward? — Name withheld, London E14 A.