Mary Killen

Q. I would like to return the hospitality of a senior member of the royal family but my wife insists that an invitation is not expected and would only embarrass as we could not match the standards. Meanwhile I have heard that a friend of a friend of a friend has had this senior royal to stay, more than once, in very modest converted farm buildings in the West Country. What do you recommend? — Name and address withheld A. You need not issue a direct invitation — just a strongly hinting overture that he would be more than welcome. If and when top royals want to come and stay or visit you in your own home, and can square it with security costs, they will give an indication themselves.

Q. A friend, well known for having a dusty wallet, brought a bottle of champagne to our house. We were pleasantly surprised but, though it looked exactly like a real bottle of Oudinot Epernay, it did not feel quite heavy enough. On closer inspection, we saw that our friend had somehow picked up an empty display bottle and, because the label had a barcode, had paid the full amount, £24. He showed us the receipt. He said he would return it to the Marks & Spencer on the motorway near his home (rather than ours) and so we did not have a bottle of champagne after all, but we thought that at least he had shown willing. Now I discover by pure chance that another mutual friend had exactly the same experience with him last weekend.

Q.  My husband, aged 56, mutters constantly that he is not well.  He has a variety of symptoms and I suspect hypochondria, yet he will not put his mind (or mine) at rest by making an appointment with a doctor.  How can I make this happen? — A.O.T., London SW11 A. The way to make men go to the doctor is with a white lie, told for their own good. Tell them the surgery has rung, asking them to make an appointment for a check-up. This jolts them into action. By the time they have arrived in the consulting room, they are less concerned with whether their wife has tricked them into being there, and more interested in remembering what their symptoms are. Wives can help with a well-timed reminder by text.

Q. I understand that a free version of Eton will be opening in a village near Windsor next year. One of my boys is already at School, but for financial reasons I would like to get him moved across if the educational and aspirational standards at Freeton are the same. How do I get his name on the list? Obviously I do not wish to ask School for advice. —Name and address withheld A. The school you refer to is to be called Holyport College, not Freeton. It opens in September 2014 and is entirely funded by Eton College, to help state-style pupils enjoy some of the inspirational teaching given at the alma mater of Boris, Dave and Justin.

Q. Having recently relocated to my company’s Russian office, I now report to an uncouth Homo sovieticus. Knowing he’s the product of a society that had no time for so-called ‘bourgeois niceties’, I try not to judge when he slurps or speaks with his mouth full or places his knife and fork away from himself and against his plate in the 12 o’clock position at the end of a meal. I can even steel myself to bear his obsessive tooth-picking both at table and in the office. But much harder is his habitual nose-picking and bizarre tendency to rest thumb and forefinger inside his nostrils when talking to me. I try to look away, but then worry he’ll think I’m avoiding eye contact.

Q. My husband uses a wheelchair at airports all over the world but I find it very difficult to know when, and how much, to give the kind attendants. One man happily pocketed ten euros at Amsterdam last month, while another (a woman) refused to take anything at all. I believe it is standard to tip five or ten dollars in the US but I have had polite refusals in the UK and elsewhere.  Any advice on how much and where to proffer gratefully received. — S.S., Crieff A. Tipping etiquette is in chaos. Not only is there no international consistency but there has been a generational change so that even in London taxi-drivers have got used to people not tipping; in the country it has for some reason always been more normal not to tip taxis.

Q. I worked on the features desk of a newspaper for many years and had a desk in an office with dozens of colleagues around me every day. Now I freelance from home and do not meet any men — let alone other women. Mary, I do not fancy internet dating but what is your advice? — S.G., London W11 A. May I recommend combining your next holiday with a creative writing course? In this way you can kill three birds with one stone. You can get on with breaking the back of some non-commissioned writing you might be too lazy to do without a deadline; you can eat, drink, rest and not be cold without having to worry about shopping, cooking or washing up; and you may find some kindred spirits and extend your social network. These courses are quite affordable, all things considered.

Q. Just before Christmas I ran into a senior executive at a rival firm to the one where I currently work. She asked would I be interested in a job she thought she might have coming up and I said yes. I have heard nothing and I cannot casually inquire when bumping into her as, although we work in the same building, she is 20 floors up and our paths never cross. I dare not make discreet enquiries, as someone might talk and alert existing colleagues that I was being disloyal enough to consider leaving. Nor do I fancy ringing her directly and being humiliated to hear the job has gone to someone else and she has not bothered to tell me. How can I move things forward? — Name withheld, London E14 A.

Q. I have had the misfortune to have broken my foot and was packed off by my GP to a clinic in Vincent Square for an X-ray. The male receptionist kindly arranged a taxi and gave me £2 when I told him I might be just short of the fare. I assured him that I would pop in to reimburse him as soon as I was able but he insisted that it was his pleasure and proceeded to make me a very nice cup of tea. This very good man would obviously be offended if I tried to pay him back the £2 as he refused to countenance my offer twice. Can you think of anything other than a Christmas card which I can give him to express my gratitude for his kindness? — J.P., London SW1 A. Much better to send a thanking postcard, not in an envelope, to the clinic in Vincent Square.

From Francis Boulle At a recent speaking engagement at a school fundraiser I had the eerie experience of giving my speech to an auditorium of 300 young men wearing cut-out masks of my face. Whilst the trouble they went to was flattering, it was difficult to remain on message when I couldn’t help but feel I was actually alone in the room, speaking to myself — multiplied repeatedly. I was particularly uneasy whilst delivering punch-lines. I asked myself ‘Do I crack myself up? Do I laugh at my own jokes?’ In the event that I run into myself again, how should I cope? A. There are times in life when you must throw away your script and improvise — something at which you are well practised.

Once again Mary has invited some of her favourite figures in the public eye to submit personal queries for her attention. From Plum Sykes Q. I have always given Christmas presents to all my five siblings and their children. Just to put you in the picture, the presents are at the Ralph Lauren cashmere sweater or Lanvin costume jewellery-type level. Although, being in the fashion industry, I do get enormous discounts on these things, they are still quite pricey. Last year I finally faced up to the fact that my siblings never, ever send me or my children Christmas presents. So I decided not to send any to them. The plan backfired as I felt tragic and mean and none of them even noticed the lack of presents from me.

Q. I disagree with your advice to A.B. (8 September) about enlisting a restaurant management’s support to go on smoking his cigar despite the displeasure of the nearby patrons. We can assume that they booked in the garden because they liked the fresh air. The etiquette for any cigar smoker has always been to ask the people around him if they would mind before he lights up. —J. McC., Geneva A. This protocol will often backfire, as so many people do mind. However, cigar rooms and lounges are becoming de rigueur in top hotels. The Lanesborough and Bulgari boast the facility, as will the new Wellesley Hotel in Knightsbridge, which is about to open with a lounge and terrace offering one of the world’s largest collection of cigars.

Q. My son attends a drama school and, while I have always encouraged him to be open about his background, I was somewhat alarmed when he reported the following. He was talking to his fellow students about shooting, how much he enjoyed it — his father did it a lot, too, he added. His audience became more and more horrified until one exclaimed ‘Whoa, far too heavy — I mean I smoke spliff, but heroin? No way!’ Should he put the record straight? — T.L., Wantage, Oxon A. Your son should refuse to be drawn on the subject, should it come up again. It will be far better for his career as an actor if it is believed that he comes from a family of addicts rather than one which shoots defenceless animals for pleasure.  Q.

Q. Even in smart places, waiters have taken my plate away before I have finished, if my head is turned, or they take away a companion’s plate while I am still eating. I recently had a whole slice of beef fillet whipped away whilst I was chatting animatedly away to a fellow guest. How can I stop the waiters doing this? I refuse to hold on to my cutlery between mouthfuls! — A.S., Petersfield, Hampshire A. The waiter’s confusion is understandable since so many of those who can now afford to eat in restaurants are unfamiliar with the classic conventions of the table. For some, the signal to remove their plate is given at the moment they stop holding their knife and fork.

Q. Our son goes to a state primary school in west London which in most respects we are very happy with. However, the teachers correct him every time he says ‘what?’ and insist he says ‘pardon?’ instead. The upshot is that he now says ‘pardon?’ even at home. Is there anything we can do? We’re a bit reluctant to complain to the school lest we come across as thundering snobs, but if he acquires this habit now it may be difficult to shake when he gets older. — Name and address withheld A. Your dismay is understandable, but you are confusing etiquette with manners. The correct etiquette may be to say ‘what?’ but given the context, it is better manners for your son to use ‘pardon?

Q. I live two hours from London so when friends invite me to their book launches it is quite enough of an effort to get up to the capital without then having to find my way to some ‘ironic’ party venue. I recently had to walk ten minutes from the Tube to attend a launch in the basement of a pub near Tower Bridge, for example. Another launch was held at ‘The Old Horse Hospital’, some sort of underground cavern built in 1797 for the stabling of cabbies’ horses and into which you descend via a ramp instead of stairs. What on earth is wrong with the Polish Hearth Club on Exhibition Road, which used to fit the bill for every party giver, whatever their pretensions? — G.A.W., Pewsey, Wiltshire A.

Q. I cannot help but notice an alarming prevalence of disturbing eating habits among the middle-aged. Being 13 years of age complicates the matter as I feel it is not my place to comment on horrific table manners. I dread those moments when the vile sounds of those enjoying their gluttony penetrate my eardrums and, in the words of Charles Ryder in Brideshead Revisited, make my ‘bowels shrivel within me’. How may I remind my elders that, contrary to popular thought, manners are not dead but are central to civilised life? —T.S., Sydney, Australia A. While many readers will share your sentiments, most would agree that any sort of pompous attempt, by someone of 13, to discipline co-dining elders would be entirely inappropriate.

Q. I work in a large open-plan office and one of my neighbours is driving me to distraction. She has a number of peculiar habits, but the real source of my ire is that she wears at least eight gold bangles on her right arm which jangle loudly every time she moves. Other people around us are aware of this constant noise, but none of us has ever raised the issue. Please help, Mary. — J.L.G., Biggar, Lanarkshire A. Why not pay out of your own pocket for a feng shui expert to examine the office Qi with a view to enhancing productivity? Ensure the report’s conclusions include the recommendation that noises such as bangle-jangling, a known source of productivity blockage, should be outlawed.  Q. What is the correct protocol regarding Conrad Black?

Q. Is there a friendly way to cut short a telephone conversation? A certain woman always wants to talk at length even if I am only ringing to confirm that we will meet the next day for lunch. She becomes huffy if I suggest we leave all the catching up till then. — Name withheld, London W8 A. Why not put the ball in her court and let her be the one to cut short the chatter? Do this by ringing during an ad break of, say, Downton Abbey, saying, ‘I’m just ringing to confirm tomorrow at one.’ ‘Look forward to it,’ she will reply. ‘Shall we catch up then?’ Q. We have 50 teenagers coming to a Norfolk barn over half-term for a disco.

Q. I sent out email invitations to my forthcoming book launch. After a week, only about half of my A list had replied. Then I found that my spam box was full of acceptances, consigned there by my computer which had failed to recognise the email addresses of PAs, executive secretaries and in one case an ‘events co-ordinator’ accepting on behalf of my friends. Surely, Mary, it must be easier to click ‘reply’ to an email than to bother to brief a PA to do it for you? — R.J., LondonW11 A. Sometimes celebrities get aides to reply so that their private email addresses cannot be ‘harvested’ by publishing interns. However, having examined your invitation, I see that you have asked people to reply directly to you. Pretension is clearly at play.