Mary Killen

Q. Regarding the writing of ‘no presents’ on an invitation (Dear Mary, 6 July), my own experience is that many people ignore ‘no presents’ anyway. Some will not even ask for ideas, and you are likely to be inundated with cushions with ‘Still sexy at 60’ embossed on them and huge mugs yelling ‘Keep calm and carry on’ in bold colours. To pre-empt this, your correspondent’s wife might do better to send a round-robin email to all those invited saying she forgot to write ‘no presents’, but should anyone like to, they could donate to a charity of their choice. I think Ukip might ruffle a few feathers. — J.F., Balham A. Such a diktat would be marvellous in its magnanimity. Q.

Q.  I have far too many friends to be able to invite them all to my forthcoming book launch. How can I cull the numbers without causing grave offence? — Name withheld, Edinburgh A. Ask the publisher’s PR to send invitations from her own email address. The subject box should read ‘Invitation to a party to launch…’ followed by the title of your book, which, usually, will leave insufficient room for your name. Those who bother to click open the attachment will see that the invitation concerns you, but chances are that busy people will consign the email to spam or simply scroll past it without opening.

Q. Over the years my close friends locally have been giving each other birthday and Christmas presents. Now, as I reach 60, it seems ridiculous to worry about choosing and buying all these presents for Christmases ad infinitum, as well as remembering each of their birthdays. Some of them have new daughters-in-law or sons-in-law and grandchildren on the scene, and more presents to buy, so they might welcome a truce. On my part, I am overwhelmed with stuff and don’t need any more. How do I stop the present giving/receiving without hurting their feelings? — Name withheld, Hampshire A. No doubt most of your friends are also overwhelmed with stuff, and would welcome a truce on present-exchange, but none of you wants to be the killjoy who suggests it.

Q. Is there a tactful way to speed the departure of someone who has come for drinks only, but fails to leave when dinner is announced? Chatting to punters during my recent NGS open day, I made the mistake of boasting that a certain household name, who had been spotted in the area, was actually staying with me. One of these punters, a local and a friend of a friend, begged to meet her ‘absolute idol’ and proposed herself for drinks before dinner. Local and idol got on famously but local, having declined my wife’s suggestion that she stay on to dinner, showed no sign of leaving. She was not drunk but seemed oblivious to the frozen grins on our other six guests’ hungry faces as she chatted gaily on.

Q. A man I know has invited me and some other journalists, most of whom I admire, to join him in the Whitehall penthouse of the Corinthia Hotel for drinks and canapés with a view to our contributing to an online magazine he plans to start up. When I asked him what his word rate would be, he replied unapologetically, ‘Well at first you won’t be paid — though certainly, if it takes off, there will be money further down the line.’ As a professional writer I fear it would devalue my stock were I known to work without being paid, but I like this self-styled editor and would like to be involved. How should I play this? — M.W., Pewsey A.

Q. Is it acceptable to admit that you don’t ‘do’ anything? Or should one pretend to be writing a book or attending a course at the V&A or some such? I am afraid I just play bridge all day and sometimes I even go abroad to do it. — Name and address withheld A. So long as you are not playing the game online, and have to get yourself up and dressed and go out and about to play, then freely admit to it. Those in religious orders who ‘just’ pray have no qualms about admitting it. The mental gym aspects of bridge-playing could accredit it as positive intellectual exercise. Bridge can also be praised because it promotes social cohesion of the sort not revolving around vested interests.

Q. With just a month to go of training as a primary school teacher, I am relieved and excited to have been offered a job. Now it has been a few weeks since I last spoke to one of my good friends in our PGCE cohort. I have many lively stories to tell of weird and wonderful escapades with wild children. However, I feel I should not call her, since I cannot be sure that she has been offered a post. — J.C.R.R., London SE11 A. Your tact is misplaced and you should call with your news. To be weirdly silent about it suggests your presumption that your fellow student is unlikely to be employed. Do you think Renée Zellweger doesn’t dare ring up Julia Roberts to tell her about her latest part, in case Julia hasn’t got one and would be jealous?

Q. On two recent occasions I have noted that women I know professionally are pregnant, although neither referred to it. Should one offer congratulations or wait until the pregnancy is mentioned? I have taken two approaches, congratulating the one I know reasonably well, and saying nothing to the one I know less well. Your advice please, Mary. — K.D., London A. It very much depends on whether the woman is sporting the baby as a ‘display pregnancy’ i.e. with tight clothes and explicit silhouette, or is shrouded in tenting. If the first, congratulate. If the second, give an unintrusive compliment such as ‘You’re looking very well! How lovely!

Q. It is occasionally necessary for me to pretend to be asleep. What technique do actors use, when feigning death or sleep, to ensure their eyeballs are still and their eyelids do not flutter? — Name withheld, Hampshire A. To pre-empt fluttering, let the actual eyeballs look downwards behind the closed lids.  Q. Your correspondent in Bombay had trouble with teenage houseguests who were unaware of the convention of tipping. My recent problem was the reverse — my fellow guests and I wanted to tip after a long weekend abroad in which staff had done a lot of different things for us, but our female host refused to give us any guidance about the going rates in the country where we were staying.

Q. My godmother owns a house in a great part of London. She does not come up very often and she is very kindly allowing me to move in for a year with three university friends. I will be landlady and collect the very low rent she will charge us. It is amazingly kind of her so I am annoyed that one of my intended lodgers, who has never even met my godmother, but will benefit from her generosity just through being a friend of mine, refuses to contribute towards a cleaner. He says it will be a waste of money for us to spend, collectively, £120 a week (£30 each) on a cleaner, because we could spend that money giving two dinner parties a week instead.

Q. My literary agent has failed to return my emails and phone calls and it has been six weeks since we last talked. I don’t want to appear desperate but all I think about each day is — is my book going to be published, or not? Any suggestions? — Name and address withheld A. A little research on your agent’s website will reveal publication dates of forthcoming books by his other clients. Attend the launch party of one of these. In this way you can stage a casual encounter with your agent and make progress inquiries in a dignified manner.

Q. Flowers have arrived, allegedly from my boyfriend — but the bunch includes begonias and gloxinias, foliage tonged into ringlets, sheaths of cellophane and a large acetate ribbon. I am fairly certain the culprit is his new personal assistant. As they are in my country house, he won’t see them, so how can I, without seeming ungrateful or sour, convey the message that he should not trust this important chore again to someone with such poor judgment? — Name and address withheld A. Quickly take a snap of the bouquet on your mobile and email it to your boyfriend, along with a blandly affectionate message of thanks. Let the image speak for itself. Q. How can one find out a woman’s maiden name quickly, without looking like Lady Bracknell?

Q. Last week on a plane from Heathrow I sat next to a very attractive man. We started talking and I could tell he liked me too. Unfortunately, although we established that we both live in London, the flight was not quite long enough to warrant an exchange of telephone numbers. Unfortunately he lives in Highgate and I in Balham so I am unlikely to ever see him again. Mary, how could I have managed this better? I am not on Facebook. —Name and address withheld A. You could have said, ‘What’s that very good pub in Highgate called?’ When he replied, for example, ‘The King’s Arms?’ You would say, ‘Yes, that’s it. I have to go up to Highgate and collect a scarf I left there. They have been keeping it behind the counter for weeks.

Q. I live in Bombay and seem to attract a large number of house guests, notably friends’ daughters on their gap year. I am lucky in having an excellent maid and driver who go out of their way to take them around town, feed them up and do what they call ‘madam duty’, which is to wash their filthy clothes. Gap-year budgets are meant to be low but one would have thought that someone receiving free accommodation and food for a week could afford a small tip for staff. Unfortunately, at least half of our young visitors fail to understand this.

Q. How to stop parents chatting throughout school chapel services? Your advice to the organist at the leading public school will not work. I know because my son attends just such a school and services like confirmations and carol concerts are recorded. The parents are reminded that this will be happening but it does not stop them from chatting with gay abandon all the way through. Can’t you come up with something better? — L.P., Basingstoke, Hampshire A. Feedback from other schools suggests the problem is indeed widespread, but not universal. One way of controlling it is to give false deadlines for service starts.

Q. My mother lives in a fine old house in Jersey and has a lovely garden. Unfortunately her Portuguese gardener has contrived to make the place look as though it belongs to the seafront in Llandudno. He has placed a large plastic owl on top of a bush in the centre of what was once a lovely circular rosebed in the front of the house. What is more, he has rigged, around said bush, fairy lights in the shape of butterflies that change colours and wink on and off. My mother, who has excellent taste in house interiors, has no sense whatsoever about gardens and will not help. Can you think of any way to help to put an end to this without offending the gardener? — J.P., London SW1 A. It is your mother who lives in Jersey, not you.

Q. We entertain a lot and are used to coping with requests from guests who are vegetarian or have an allergy, etc. However, recently a guest replied that he would like to attend a dinner (given to enable discussion of a political matter) and he would like to eat either a 600g salmon steak or a beef steak, either to be served with boiled broccoli. What would be your reaction, Mary? —T.C., London W1 A. Normally one would withdraw the invitation with ‘Sorry, that could be problematic — perhaps another time’, but if this character’s attendance is important for political reasons, then go along with his stipulation, but so as to be seen to pander to him.

Q. I am the organist at a leading public school. We work hard to ensure that the boys are quiet and respectful in Chapel, which they attend every day. The behaviour of their parents, however, when they come for confirmation and carol services is appalling. They talk through the hymns, they talk through the anthem, they whisper through the sermon and prayers, and shout over the organ music: all of these seem to be impediments to their main aim, which is to chat. How can we get them to set a better example to their sons, and treat the event with the respect which I am sure, if asked, they would agree it deserves? — Name and address withheld A.

Q. My mother has had a minor physical setback which means it is currently too difficult for her to go out and see people. People consequently come to her, which is wonderful, but because she is so popular, they come in their hordes. It is not so much the provision of food and drinks which is the problem for her as a host, but the need to be ‘good value’ conversationally — sometimes up to four times a day for an hour at a time. What do you suggest, Mary? — Name and address withheld A. Chemotherapy patients often report that they much prefer it when two people come to keep them company during the ordeal rather than one. The two visitors can then chat across the bed and the patient can enjoy the company and the chat without having to be drained by joining in.

Q. Every morning I walk to work and stop to pick up a cappuccino from a local café outside which is invariably sitting a (handsome) man, alone apart from his dog, having breakfast. We always say hello and I sense that he likes at least the look of me, but there is no opportunity to say anything else. He must live locally but I don’t know who he is, and I can’t ask the people who run the café as they don’t speak English. I can’t sit down with him at the one table outside as that would be far too obvious (and too cold). I can tell he is shy too. Please help. — R.H., London W8 A.