Bernie

‘My new man is a good kisser but he’s no Dalai Lama.’

‘Poor old Tantalus. They’ve gone and moved his retirement age back again.’

‘I nicked his expensive watch so now he can feel like a man of the people.’

‘I wanted to join the police but I didn’t have a criminal record.’

‘Jeremy’s so clever – for a party piece he names all 73 genders.’

‘On the other hand, the threat of nuclear war means I’m less worried about climate change.’

‘We’d like to be levelled all the way up to Nadhim Zahawi.’

Good cop bad cops

‘Do you think Prince Harry will ever go away, or do we just have to learn to live with him?’

‘It might be a bit of fun to you, mate, but to me it’s cultural appropriation.’

‘Each window reveals a new strike.’

‘It’s high time we abolished the lords-a-leaping’

‘Yes, I’m quite sure that Mary and Joseph did not wear “One Love” armbands.’

‘Sorry kids, we’ve had to cut out all treats this year.’