Bernie

‘I’ve got my 18-month-old playing darts.’

‘The police were very good. They arrived within minutes and said there was nothing they could do.’

‘The wise men departed unto their own country another way.’

‘Isn’t it time you started thinking about Christmas?’

‘You know how you always enjoy a good ghost story on Christmas Eve, Charles?’

‘Frankly it’s a relief to quiz someone who was good at their job.’

‘Spare a tenner for a cup of bubble tea?’

‘Honestly, he’s as gentle as a kitten!’

‘Dad, can I have a dangerous puppy?’

‘Mind if I vape?’

‘Do you remember your first unwanted kiss?’

‘My word! I thought the only one of these was in the British Museum!’

‘I’m six. I don’t need to know about eating disorders.’

‘Not only have you been stood up, Sir, but I’m afraid we don’t serve solo diners.’

‘The bank doesn’t understand me.’

‘We’ve closed your bank account… you have been charged £25 for this letter.’