Satire

The UK has been plunged into further chaos under the fascist regime of Boris Johnson. He is our Trump. The similarities between these two dictators are staggering. Boris Johnson is a white male who comes from a privileged background, has an unruly mop of blonde hair, and blue eyes. These three aspects alone, like Drumpf, make him an ideal Aryan Poster Boy for the alt-right. Aside from the physical resemblance, Boris often wears suits along with a shirt and tie. He’s been known to stand in front of a podium and make speeches to large crowds. He uses Twitter. He travels in cars and planes. He appears on television and is often featured in the news. Now, tell me these things are ALL pure coincidence, I honestly dare you.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez held a town hall congress meeting on Thursday in Corona, New York, at the Queens Public Library, during which an alleged constituent stood up and began by expressing her dismay at the current climate crisis, which ended in her shouting, 'We have to start eating the babies!'At first many of us identified with her anguish as she informed those around her that we only have a few months until the planet is destroyed. This is a very real fear for anyone who admires Greta Thunberg, and so I was fully on board with what she was saying. The woman began by telling Ocasio-Cortez how much she admired her dedication to tackling the climate crisis but declared that limiting the use of fossil fuels isn’t enough.

While Greta Thunberg, the 16-year-old climate activist, gave her speech at the UN Climate Summit today, I was being ruthlessly manhandled into a taxi by my parents after a failed attempt to once more sabotage her mission. Greta has long been a foe of mine ever since she messed with my plans to wreak havoc by insisting that my school take part in a strike for climate change awareness. From that day forth I swore vengeance. For every positive eco-friendly change Greta introduces, I have dedicated my time to balancing it out with an equally negative action. Unfortunately my attempt to counteract her latest stunt of sailing to New York in a carbon neutral eco-yacht ended in disaster.

A photograph has been uncovered by TIME magazine which shows the Canadian prime minister attending an 'Arabian Nights'-themed costume gala at the West Point Grey Academy in Vancouver in 2001. Since the photograph came to light, Mr Trudeau has apologized. In a televised news conference on his campaign aircraft, he said: 'I take responsibility for my decision to do that. I shouldn't have done it. I should have known better. It was something that I didn't think was racist at the time, but now I recognize it was something racist to do and I am deeply sorry.' At the time the photograph was taken, Mr Trudeau was a 29-year-old teacher at the academy.

Today, international singing(?) sensation Sam Smith [EDIT: not sure who he is… did he win The X Factor?] announced that from now on they wish to be referred to by the pronouns ‘they/them’. They posted on their Twitter feed: 'After a lifetime of being at war with my gender I’ve decided to change my pronouns to THEY/THEM.' You could almost feel the entire planet heave a sigh of relief. 'Hooray! Hooray!', the Earth’s inhabitants seemed be unwittingly emitting a joyous chorus, 'Sam Smith has changed their pronouns!' Ever since Sam’s birth [I don’t know when that was, but I’ve just remembered seeing him on The Ellen DeGeneres Show and he definitely did a song], each and every one of us have sensed something wrong.

It’s the news every LGBTQ individual has been waiting for. The penguin community has finally openly embraced non-binary and genderqueer identities by allowing keepers at The Sea Life Centre in London to bring up a penguin baby as gender-neutral (presumably until they are old enough to decide themselves whether to go ahead with hormone treatment). I am tremendously excited at this news and will be monitoring the progress of the infant over the coming years. According to experts, pre-pubescent penguins are naturally gender-neutral. You could prove this by dressing a penguin who was assigned female at birth in a pink frilly dress, they will show their discomfort by violently flipping around in the water until the dress falls off.

I have been literally shaking for the past 24 hours since hearing that Boris Johnson has decided to suspend Parliament until a few days before Britain leaves the EU. By doing this, he is effectively preventing the opposition from blocking a no deal Brexit. Myself and my fellow Remainers who have been fearlessly campaigning for the past three years to get the result of the 2016 EU referendum reversed, signing petitions requesting a second referendum in which we could vote correctly this time, going around social media telling Leave voters how stupid and racist they are, and generally attempting to derail Brexit by any means possible…are utterly STUNNED at how blatantly Boris Johnson so obviously despises democracy.

Yesterday on Twitter, media critic Joanna Schroeder (@iproposethis) posted an eloquent and inspirational thread, examining the radicalization process of white teenage boys, which understandably went viral. https://twitter.com/iproposethis/status/1161130456286289920?s=20 'I've been watching my boys' online behavior & noticed that social media and vloggers are actively laying groundwork in white teens to turn them into alt-right/white supremacists,' wrote Joanna. She then went on at some length to explain how jokes and memes can corrupt teenage boys’ minds. 'Here's an early red flag: if your kid says "triggered" as a joke referring to people being sensitive, he's already being exposed & on his way' she continued, describing the warning signs to look out for.

There's no room for weakness when you're fighting for your life. And that's exactly what I remember when I wake up at 10am, unable to soothe my grogginess with a Venti Mocha Latte. How could I participate or contribute to a company that hates black people and loves police brutality? The same is true for all of us in the #Resistance. That latte would be nice, but not as nice as ending white supremacy. I try to remind myself that no sacrifice is too great when fighting against a man who is literally Hitler. Yet it turns out I have to sacrifice even more than Starbucks. More than Uber, Kanye's Sunday Service and Coachella which I've also had to painfully let go of in the struggle against the forces of evil. The week began with me losing my Bible, The New York Times.

'If the city was not going to help us clean up trash, well -- by golly -- we went out there with 170 volunteers. We cleaned up 12 tons of trash in 12 hours,' tweeted @ScottPresler this Wednesday. MAGA-worshipper Scott was referring to a cleanup he organized on Monday in West Baltimore, a place Trump had previously referred to as ‘rodent infested’. Scott and 170 volunteers cleared away trash, trimmed down plants in overgrown alleyways and swept the streets while updating their progress on his Twitter feed. When they had finished, the neighborhoods were clear of garbage for the first time in 11 years. What on Earth was he thinking? Is there anything more patronizing than a Trump supporter assuming poor people, (particularly poor people of color) need help in some way?

So, Greta Thunberg has declared her intention to sail to New York for the UN climate summit on a hi-tech eco-friendly racing yacht. The boat is owned by German property developer, Gerhard Senft, is based in Brittany and sponsored by the Yacht Club de Monaco. It has been fitted with solar panels and underwater turbines to generate zero-carbon electricity on-board. Greta’s transport will produce zero-emissions and is the ultimate carbon-neutral solution to long-distance journeys...or so she hopes. Greta has long been a foe of mine ever since she messed with my plans to wreak havoc by insisting that my school take part in a strike for climate change awareness. From that day forth I swore vengeance.

Refusing to wax a woman’s balls is transphobia at its most blatant… and yet here we are, in 2019, still disrespecting trans women’s rights by denying them a smooth nutsack. I’m referring of course to the recent publicity surrounding Jessica Yaniv, a stunning and brave trans woman who has filed complaints against more than a dozen female waxers with the Human Rights Council in British Columbia. And what is the justification these women have attempted to make in order to disguise their obvious bigotry?

For the past few days, people across all social media platforms have been gleefully posting images depicting an older version of themselves, using an app called ‘FaceApp’. This application uses AI technology to predict the aging process of an individual based on whatever image is loaded into it. This latest social media craze is problematic for many reasons. For one, white people posting photos of their aging faces only serves as a depressing reminder of how long many of them will live. It’s almost as if they are taunting us with the prospect of a future that will always be dominated by white privilege.

Once again, Trump has shown his true colors in a series of tweets posted on Sunday in which he told four congresswomen of color to ‘go back’ to their own countries. Literally ordering WoC to leave America because of the color of their skin. For the sake of clarity, I haven’t read the entire Twitter thread because I refuse to give Donald Trump my attention (apart from Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday nights at our tri-weekly campus ‘Not Our President’ meetings in Pret a Manger – living in the UK, Trump is *literally* not our president, but we do not allow that to prevent us from standing in solidarity with our US counterparts). Since posting the tweets, he has quite rightly been bombarded with condemnation.

For the past three years my best friend Andromeda has been an inspiration to me. Xe moved into our student lodgings after xer’s student loan payment was delayed. We got on so well, I never asked xer to leave. Xe was always a tad distant and would often leave the flat for a few days without telling me where xe was going, but I never questioned xer because xe was a free spirit, and I suspected xe might be polyamorous and perhaps had several multigender relationships on the go.Andromeda was always very supportive of my transracial status and we’ve spent many an evening together feasting on rice and peas while smoking weed and listening to Vanilla Ice.