Diary

Monday Am going to get to the bottom of this Miliband unit if it’s the last thing I do. There’s something shifty about it, mark my words, although initial investigations are inconclusive. Kept eye on Poppy and James, and when they disappeared off to one of their ‘Special Meetings’ I followed them, crouching behind recycling bins — which, thankfully, are now located throughout the office at a distance of every four paces for the convenience of all staff and in the interests of future generations. They went into a room marked ‘Clearance Level Black Special’ (DD really takes this room-labelling business seriously). Stood outside for ages and couldn’t hear a thing. No talking. No papers rustling.

MONDAYFeel dreadful. Had horrendous nightmare last night. Was sleeping fitfully when a ghostly form appeared above my bed. He was tieless, wearing a white, open-necked shirt (possibly Paul Smith), the sleeves billowing as he held out his arms in a Messiah-like way. He had dark hair, pale, gleaming skin and deep, piercing eyes. At first I thought it was just Dave again. Then I realised — it was The Other Dave. He was calling out: ‘Come to me! I can! You can!’ Woke up in a sweat and couldn’t get back to sleep. Went out to give Sesame some hay at 3 a.m. She looked at me knowingly. Horses can tell when you are emotionally disturbed. Fell asleep in stable, woke late and had to call in sick.

MONDAY What on earth is going on? Ever since Budget day there’s been a really strange atmosphere around here. Can’t put my finger on what’s wrong except to say — I know this is going to sound hysterical — I think there’s some sort of situation developing between Dave and Gids. It could be nothing but it’s been haunting me ever since Dave got to his feet to fight Gordon armed only with a file full of dodgy jokes about Stalin (mostly Nigel’s, v poor). Given the circumstances, he did really, really well. I mean — 2p cut/10p band?! It’s all Dutch to normal people. But couldn’t Gids have passed him a little note or something? Apparently Osbers had it all worked out in seconds.

Monday Forty-one per cent! Would be nice to celebrate, but of course we know this is out of the question. Mr Maude is in bad enough mood already, since his attempt at optimism went so badly wrong at Spring Conference. He’d been practising sounding ‘noncommittally cheerful’ all week with our Wellbeing Guru, Sherwood. Before he went on they were backstage together blowing out their cheeks and shaking their limbs loose, the Frankster repeating, ‘I really believe we can win!’ and doing his special tantric smiling exercises. But when it came to the optimistic bit of his speech he just froze, and couldn’t get the words out. Ended up looking as if had been cryogenically frozen. Sherwood was weeping even more openly than usual.

MONDAY I don’t know why everyone is getting so worked up about our lovely green taxes. If  they read the small print, they would see that what Gids takes away with one hand, he is quite literally going to give us back with the other. Every penny that he takes taxing your holiday flights (if you will insist on taking more than one!) will be paid back through our Non-Judgmental Family Tax Relief. Nobody will lose out. The Modern Families Tax Allowance will encompass anyone who can make a reasonable claim to be a ‘committed unit’. To give you an idea of how inclusive this will be ... let’s just say I’m satisfied that Sesame and I will be allowed to register. All I have to do is declare my intention to put her in foal. So, in short, a fuss about nothing.

MONDAY Off to New York with Dave and DD next week! Am working flat out on preps. First priority: which hotel? It’s the Four Seasons versus Soho House. While East 57th Street says ‘statesmen-in-waiting’, the Meatpacking District says ‘modern, vibrant and cool’. This is what Jed calls a Fork in the Road. Meetings set up with Rudolph Giuliani, Michael Bloomberg, Tina Brown and Robert De Niro (subject to confirmation). No word yet from Hillary. Surely she will agree to a top-secret informal breakfast summit? Have just heard Poppy is coming too. Am  trying not to see this as undermining me but rather that we will be glamorous power pals, a bit like Sex and the City only with brains.

MONDAY I know I should be excited about the move to Millbank — historic landslide here we come! — but I’d just got my desk next to Jed’s office. It’s taken months of ‘edging’ at rate of one centimetre a day. Now I’ll have to start all over again. It’s sad to be leaving our traditional home above Starbucks. So much history, so many memories: the time I left a top-secret policy document on the counter, the hours spent queuing for caramel lattes. It’s the end of an era.... Dave and DD back from the East End looking v triumphant after their immigration crackdown. DD proclaimed: ‘The boy done well, he’s definitely getting the hang of it.

Monday OK, OK, I was wrong. (It does happen you know.) I may have been a teensy bit oversensitive about the whole ‘marriage’ thing. But I am now prepared to admit that it does seem that it may, after all, be the answer to everything. I cannot argue with statistics showing that hardly anybody on these south London housing estates is married. And everyone is getting shot. Contrast that with the situation in, let’s say, Witney, where 95 per cent of people are married. And gun crime is nonexistent. Also, as Jed explained to us at Strategy Hub, there are no end of political problems you can apply the marriage formula thingy to and with the added benefit that banging on and on about it buys off a huge chunk of the grassroots! How clever is that?

Monday Am fed up. It simply cannot be the case that everyone smoked cannabis at school. They’re clearly all just saying it to suck up to Dave. Head office unbearable. I’ve had it up to here with Moroccan black, red seal and ‘Maui wowie’. Well, I’m not going to lie. I have never smoked marijuana. There — I’ve said it! The taboo has been shattered. Found out this afternoon I don’t have clearance for Operation Mary Jane meetings but Poppy and Wonky Tom do. Stopped Jed outside Tranquillity Room and asked him straight out: ‘Is it because I’ve not smoked cannabis?’ Jed said: ‘No way, man, you’re cool with us, daddy-o. It’s just there aren’t enough chairs.’ Harrumph.

Monday What a morning! Was having coffee with Jed’s new PA, Janice. Lovely lady. V spiritual — although some might say a bit severe-looking with the shaved head. Anyway, as Nigel says, she’s ‘taken a shine to me’. She tells me things that are troubling her and today she told me something’s going on which she doesn’t think is ethical. It seems Dave has been getting coaching from ‘a senior Labour figure’. She made me swear a dozen different oaths — including one on Sesame’s forthcoming dressage trials — before she told me who it was. Suffice to say that when she told me the name I swallowed a piece of mini muffin down into my windpipe. It was dreadful. The whole of Starbucks was in panic.