Ten handy phrases for bluffing your way through the Constitutional Crisis

We all know the referendum is a big deal, but what can we actually say? None of us has much of an idea how the constitution might change after Thursday’s vote. Yet all of us want to talk knowledgeably about it and sound as if we really care. Here, then, is a primer for the uninitiated. Follow it closely and you should be able to skate your way through any discussion about the future of ‘our union’, at least until September 18.

1. ‘Yes or No, Britain will never be the same again’ This remark sets you up as someone who comprehends the magnitude of what is happening and has the advantage of being infallible, for now. Don’t explain what you mean. Leave an ominous pause so that others have to pick up where you left off.
2. ‘We’ve been moving towards a more federal UK for some time’  You’re no mug; you’ve seen this coming. And you understand a thing or two about constitutions and the workings of government. Use in the context of ‘Devo Max’, ‘fiscal powers’ and ‘shifting allegiances’. NB: add ‘I’m afraid’ if you want to convey a wistful note.
3. ‘It’s entirely proper that the Queen has refused to speak out’ In 21st century Britain, dissing Her Majesty doesn’t get you very far — stick to the toady line. Draw in your chin as you say these words, to show how well you understand the symbolic role of monarchy in a modern democracy. If, by any chance, the Queen does pipe up in the defence of the union, reverse ferret pronto: ‘Of course, there are rare occasions when the Monarch must stand up for the country she is sworn to protect.’
4. ‘This constitutional upheaval dwarfs the Parliament Act of 1911, and even the Great Reform Act 1867’ (©Peter Oborne) Flash a bit of historical leg; nine times out of ten you’ll get away with it. Say ‘300 years of shared history‘, with emotion, to show you’re not just clever, you care too. Advanced bluffers could try: ‘This goes back to the Darien Venture‘ – but should probably read about that on Wikipedia first.
5. ‘Finally, we might get an answer to the West Lothian Question’ By now most of us know about the West Lothian Question, so up your game. If your adversaries get there first, smile like a professor charmed by an eager student, and obliquely refer to ‘Malcolm Rifkind’s East Lothian Answer’.
6. Say ‘Norway’ In any context, really. You could say ‘Politically, if not culturally, Scotland now has more in common with Norway’. Or sound a sceptical note: ‘I am sorry Mr Salmond, but Scotland is not Norway.’
7. ‘Like it or loathe it, at last we are having a proper democratic debate!’ If everyone else is being gloomy about the end of Britain, catch them off-guard with a sagely optimistic note. Remind your friends that anything is better than apathy, especially if you notice their attention waning.
8. ‘It’s not just Thatcher, this is about Labour’s failure in Scotland too’ We all know about Lady T and the collapse of Scottish Toryism. Exhibit a bit more lateral thinking. You could also float the idea that ‘If David Cameron should resign, perhaps Ed Miliband should too’.
9. ‘Remember the dog that hasn’t yet barked — and that is English nationalism’ Look disturbed here; you can see bad things ahead.
10. ‘The great strength of Britishness is that it has always been a mutable concept’ Get personal here: discuss your ancestry — you have skin in this game, even if you aren’t British. Be sure to end the conversation on an emotional flourish. You care, remember?