Tamzin Lightwater

Monday Look! There is no question of us doing a U-turn on our pledge to match Labour’s spending plans. You can’t do a U-turn if you were never going to go a particular way in the first place. Or if you went for a long drive that brought you exactly back to where you started, you wouldn’t say you’d done a U-turn. You’d say you’d done a circle. Or a curve. Oh dear. Let’s put it this way: we always planned to stop promising to match Labour’s spending plans by the end of this year. So in fact we are on target for fulfilling one of our key pledge reversals! Or let me put it another way... No, it’s no good.

Monday Everyone’s gone Palin crazy! Poppy, Jenny, Lucy and Ellie all came in with their hair teased into frightening up-dos this morning. I might have to go through Mummy’s wardrobe and see if she’s got any hairpieces left over from the Sixties. Must say, I find this Sarah woman deeply scary. I don’t mind that she thinks the earth is flat — this sort of daring new thinking I find quite refreshing. It’s the picture of her sat in an office draped in dead bears and mooses that worries me. I’m as partial to a bit of fox-hunting as the next Tory Girl, but I’ve never much liked staring at the dead bits afterwards. Am starting to worry this makes me a Napper (Not A Proper Republican).

Monday I wish people would stop sending in complaints about the cost of hotels in Birmingham. I am not the English Tourist Board! But as we’re on the subject, let’s be clear — the point of having conference there is not to save money, or have fun. It’s so we can get out to parts of Britain we would not normally see. And could I just say to Mr Hargreaves from Chipping Norton: I’m not convinced by your claims that in Blackpool you could get a B&B, slap-up meal, bumper pack of rock and still have change from a £20 note. Nor do I believe that we are going to lose all the atmosphere of conference without bracing sea air and ‘the traditional conference fun’ of karaoke and cross-dressing strip shows.

Monday Hooray! It’s official — Dave is no longer the Heir to Blair, he’s the Heir to Thatcher!! This makes all our hard rebranding work worthwhile. As Nigel says, it’s a measure of how far we have come that we are now able to wage war on benefit cheats, binge drinkers and Russia. None of us would have thought this possible a year ago. When you think of the ground we have covered, relentlessly forging ahead with different strategies at every available opportunity, it really does seem incredible. For those of you who may need reminding: We are now the party of: the environment; the NHS; the North; the arts; traditional values; Change; Equality; lower taxes (business); higher taxes (to be confirmed); Liberty; Law and Order; and, last but not least, Fairness.

Monday Copies of lads mags found lying around leaders’ office: 5 (v bad); pounds shed by Mr Pickles in name of Being The Change: 0 (v bad); inquiries about why we haven’t launched any green taxes yet: 67 (v v bad); pages read of Quick Guide To The Caucasus: one and a half (vg). So stressed, might have to take a second holiday. Am fairly sure it’s party policy to have two. Think I took the memo ordering us to stay in Britain too literally. Tom says it means that you take a week in a dreary boarding house, then clear off for two weeks somewhere sunny for a proper break. It’s a jolly expensive way of showing how down to earth we are, but that’s political integrity for you.

Monday V nerve-wracking weekend. Thought I was going to get the sack for leaving the mike on during Dave’s meeting with Mr Obama. Wrote a long email of apology to Gary cc Nigel for accidentally forgetting to tell the ABC cameraman that it was pictures only, but Gary sent me a memo back, cc’d every-one, saying that my actions were ‘inspired and brilliant’ and ‘a shining example of the sort of initiative you should all be taking’. He keeps winking at me saying ‘accidentally eh?’ Decided to go along with it, although am nervous about why no one has worked out what a huge blooper I made. Now Gary says I’m in charge of Holiday Management.

Monday Everyone assuming I’ve been keeping up with Events during my horse holiday with Sesame but as I explained to Nigel I was in a very remote part of the Isle of Wight. Must say, it’s all a bit different from when I went away. Lots of American flags about the place and ‘Obama For President’ banners. What happened to the man whose family invented oven chips? Also, empty desks everywhere. Apparently, Jenny, Jilly and Janey have all gone to Google. Dave now thinking of offering us all promotions to keep us. I asked Gary whether we couldn’t just have a bit more money but he said I should keep my ‘uncosted subversive statements’ to myself if I wanted to keep my job at all.

Monday Hats off to the Major government — it’s not easy managing sleaze. Putting out endless statements explaining why some MP or other isn’t on the take. The reasons are so complicated. Plus it takes ages to calm them down. They ring in on the Helpline practically hysterical. Had one this morning. ‘Have you any idea how much money I could be fiddling? I haven’t put through a genuinely fraudulent expense claim for two years, and what thanks do I get? My local paper exposing me for claiming an iPod, that’s what. It’s a disgrace! I need that iPod for urgent constituency relaxation business. What’s David going to do about it? Hmm?’ Told him to stay calm and follow the instructions on the Sleaze Management PDF.

Monday Dave opened the nine o’clock by paying tribute to a great former shadow home secretary whose place in history, and on the back benches, was now assured. ‘We will give him all the space he needs to fulfil his brave quest of being re-elected to his own constituency.’ Then we proceeded to Options For Handling/Briefing Plans. One — Personal crisis. Our thoughts are with his family at this difficult time etc. Two — This is all part of a cunning plan to damage ourselves enough to Shore Up Gordon, and Stop Miliband. Three — It is part of a plan for all Tory MPs to resign and put themselves up for re-election this summer in order to force a general election. Four — We support him fully, and Dave is looking forward to helping him campaign.

Monday Fraught morning. Drew the short straw and had to take Mrs Spelperson her camomile tea but couldn’t find her. Looked everywhere. Under the desk, in the filing cabinet. Nowhere. So I couldn’t tick the chart confirming that she had been checked on and given light refreshments. I expect she’s climbed out of the window to go to choir practice again. Dave still furious and says God may forgive her but he certainly won’t. If it was up to him, he would invent a new commandment, Thou Shalt Not Fiddle Thy Commons Expenses, the breaking of which would be eternal damnation and losing the whip. He was raging: ‘What’s the point of Conservative Christian Fellowship do-gooders if they can’t even stay the right side of the fees office?

Monday Another superb by-election victory party at HQ with lashings of Pol Roger! The vibe v much: ‘Humility and workmanlike determination to get on with the job of serving the British people.’ Jed made a fantastic speech about how jubilation should ring out throughout the land as Our Great Leader Dave basks in this his finest hour. ‘Let all of Britain dance on New Labour’s grave and stick two fingers up to the Great Clunking Disaster that is Gordon Brown! But above all, let not a hint of triumphalism pass our lips! Oh no. The people of this nation will not hear us Tories rubbing Labour’s nose in it, or singing our own praises, or getting complacent, or carried away with excitement.’ He’s quite right.

Monday Shame it leaked out about our Two Plans. Still, now at least I can tell people why I’ve been so busy — working with the Plan B Team! This is the most important break-out group, because it’s focusing on what happens if We Win Big. The Plan A people have got a better title — but, frankly, what are they actually able to promise? Scrapping stamp duty for first time buyers, offering jobs to leading Blairites like Tessa and Steve, as well as something for poor Mr Clegg, taking Britain out of the EU social chapter. Borrrrring! I told Poppy over hot Swedish meatball wraps it’s no wonder she’s bored out of her mind.

Monday V scary moment at the 9.15. Everyone having boring discussion about various crises overseas, yours truly quietly making notes in corner — actually sketching a little plan for Sesame’s forthcoming dressage trials, am trying to learn a new routine involving extended canter, v exciting. Suddenly DD burst out shouting: ‘It’s about time we invaded Burma, shot the generals and fed the people!’ I nearly broke the tip off my commemorative British Horse Society pencil. Dave was v calm. Told him: ‘It’s all in hand, William is going to put down an EDM.’ But DD shouted: ‘Goddam it Dave, this is not a time for bits of paper, this is a time for men to be men!

Monday Hooray! Britain is going Conservative crazy!! The sun is shining and all over the country people are waking up to the exciting new force in British politics!!! Actually, I haven’t really woken up. Am still hungover from the Boris victory party. Have champagne headache, cigar sore throat and strange blotches all over my left leg which I seem to remember involved an accident with an ice sculpture. Also think may have had row later in the evening at after-party party with horrid lefty columnist (why does Dave insist on inviting them?) who dared to claim we were ‘The Same Old Tories’. Assured him there was nothing ‘the same’ about me. Think that was when I fell off my Jimmy Choos the second time. Thankfully everyone is on a day off today.

Monday What on earth is wrong with the general public at the moment? Why, according to the so-called opinion polls, do more people like Alistair Darling than Gids? Have they gone mad? Gids is clever, dynamic and handsome, whereas Darling, as Daddy so rightly pointed out at breakfast this morning, looks like a bemused old badger in rimless specs. I mean, for heaven’s sake, what’s not to dislike? Gids hasn’t taken it at all well. Poppy and I sent him a sympathy card — found the perfect one at Cards Galore, Westminster branch: ‘Sorry your ratings have gone topsy-turvy, Wishing you luck in the next YouGov survey!’ Strangely enough, Dave didn’t seem that bothered.

Monday Big panic. Some of our candidates in marginal seats have been ringing up asking why they can’t find any nice piccies of Dave standing next to a flag which they can use in their leaflets for St George’s Day. Jed says we’re to tell everyone that there are such pictures, they’ve just gone missing. On no account are we to tell anyone about The Flag Rule. As I had completely forgotten about it, I had to ask Wonky Tom what it was I was supposed not to be telling anyone. Thankfully, he remembered. It’s nearly as complicated as The Tie Guidelines. Roughly speaking — red, white and blue bad, red and white absolute disaster. Jed in the worst mood ever, storming round the office shouting: ‘We don’t do Britishness! ...

Monday Major pasta panic! Dispatched to Oxfordshire to help Sam find lasagne sheets for Dave’s Thinkers and Opinionators Supper this weekend which is in real danger of being cancelled for the first time in its history — due to food shortages! Isn’t this just the most damning indictment of Brown’s Britain? Emailed Jed a memo: ‘Recommend we put out press release blaming Gordon. Queuing for pasta like Soviet Russia. Outraged quotes from Jamie Oliver, Nigella et al. Suggested headline: The Penne Drops for Gordon.’ Thought that was pretty brilliant of me actually. He hasn’t replied yet, unless you count a one-line text saying ‘get back in your box’, which I don’t think he can have meant to send to me.

Monday Head buzzing from v important Economic Strategy meeting. Total reorganisation of our smoothie expenditure, with half the budget to be spent on bran muffins. Lot of discussion about whether we should issue staff with vouchers to spend on either smoothies, or muffins, as they see fit, but in the end decided that we couldn’t leave something as important as workplace snacking to the vagaries of the market. Also decided that while we can’t promise tax cuts, we can promise ‘a new era of economic dynamism’. Which is better than tax cuts, when you think about it. Our new watchwords are ‘prudence’ and ‘stability’.

Monday Everyone on a major poll high! Ginseng tea and bran muffins all round this morning and not much work done. In the end Jed had to call in Mr Maude to calm us all down. FM said 16 points ahead was ‘nothing to get excited about’ and showed us all sorts of graphs that proved how badly we were doing. He said the reaction to Mr Hammond’s remarks about tax cuts not being possible was also bad — and we should be ashamed of ourselves for celebrating. It was nice to have him back. Then we had a big strategy meeting to iron out the Tax Problem. It’s all sorted: the new formula is simple — massive cuts in services first, tax breaks much later. That ought to keep everyone happy. Mr Letwin wasn’t satisfied of course.