Tamzin Lightwater

Monday I’m so enjoying The New Politics! The whole atmosphere of Newness everywhere and the feeling of everything and everyone being just so New is amazing. I can’t think why we didn’t do this before. I mean, it’s the obvious answer to all Britain’s problems isn’t it? And it was so easy — Dave just said it’s all New, and it was New!! I thought it was important to celebrate by spending the weekend shopping for New outfits to express my own individual sense of Newness. And I’ve had a New hairdo, as you can see! I took a picture of Chloe Smith to the hairdresser and I think you’ll agree the result is spooky. Although I must say, it’s taking a bit of getting used to.

Monday Clearly we can’t have people saying it’s one rule for bed-blockers and another for Notting Hillers. We can’t be accused of penalising backbenchers we don’t like while turning a blind eye to expense abuses by Dave’s inner circle. We need one deeply principled rule for everybody. So, after much reflection, we’ve decided to let everybody off! Hurrah!! Obviously we can’t give anyone their seat back, and for those poor old dears who have already had to stand down there is, unfortunately, little we can do now, no matter how much we would like to.

Monday I wonder if Gary has Gwyneth Paltrow’s number? No reason he would have, obviously, but just on the off chance he did, it would be great to ring and ask her if she would consider doing a little fundraiser for us. Nothing over the top, just something tasteful with Chris Martin, saying how happy they are to be Tories, if indeed they are. I don’t want to ask him yet, because obviously the whole ‘phone-tapping’ thingummy is still v difficult and he looks a bit edgy. It can’t be nice being accused of something you had absolutely nothing to do with while you were in charge. It certainly is a distressing business. But at the end of the day, I’m convinced something positive will come out of all this — it usually does.

Monday How dare Gordon and Sarah hold lasagne suppers! It is absolutely outrageous. It just shows the breathtaking arrogance of this Prime Minister that he thinks he can steal a groundbreaking idea like that and get away with it. Of course we are seeking legal advice. Dave definitely holds the patent, morally speaking, it’s just whether it’s enforceable. Jed says Sarah can bake as many lasagnes as she wants, but she’ll never get the exact same pasta-maker Sam uses because they had it commissioned specially from a company in Italy that’s stopped making them now. Also, does Sarah use organic minced beef from Daylesford? Is the salad from Pimlico Road farmers’ market? Probably not. We rest our case. Honestly.

Monday Terrible panic about second jobs. A lot of our people just cannot get their heads around how they will survive on an MP’s salary once our new rules banning outside earnings kick in. We’ve had to assemble an information pack to help them with the transition. It’s called ‘How to survive on £64,766 a year’ and it’s got lots of good ideas for life on a budget, including where to buy really good parmesan for a fraction of the cost of leading supermarkets like Harrods food hall. Also some great tips for how to cope without access to a helicopter in an emergency and a list of the top 20 best-value fox hunts. I think people are going to find it really useful and it should go a long way to reassuring them that there is life after directorships.

Monday I don’t get it. One minute Labour MPs are trying to get Little Johnnie Bercow elected and then all today’s papers say what a scandal it is that they are trying to fix it for Margaret Beckett. But why would Brown want Old Ma Beckett? He hates her. It doesn’t make any sense. Jed says it is because Labour are ‘clever bastards’ and have ‘got us stitched up like kippers’. Poppy says it is ‘high politics’ in that imperious tone she always takes with me whenever I don’t completely understand something. All I’m asking for is an explanation of why Labour would pretend to ... oh, hang on, I think I get it. They’re pretending to want Beckett to ruin her chances.

Monday Amazing scenes in Iran. An inspiration to us all at this difficult time for the political process that democracy is worth fighting for, and a reminder to all authoritarian regimes of what can happen if you suppress the will of the people. I could watch the footage all day. But unfortunately I have to get on with the arduous task of containing Little Johnnie Bercow’s bid for Speaker. We’ve tried everything, we just don’t seem to be able to keep him down. (Well, further down, anyway!) We’ve told everyone about his former funny right-wing views and his current funny left-wing views. But they don’t seem to mind. Labour MPs think he’s one of them and our lot think it will be good to have a Labour Speaker when Dave is PM.

Monday What a triumph! Not that we’re complacent. While this is undeniably a resounding victory which paves the way to our impending general election landslide, we are not taking anything for granted. In fact we are mindful that we may still lose. Except that we so obviously won’t! Hooray!! Now, I must get my head around this ring-round of Euro people. We’re in ‘final negotiations’ — complete and utter panic stations — and Jed’s put a big target grid up on the whiteboard. We’ve got 50 MEPs from three countries but the rules say we need seven. So we’re trying Latvia, Denmark, Belgium, Lithuania and Estonia. For each MEP we bring in we get an extra frappuccino machine token.

Monday So exciting! Lots of lovely poor people on our new A-list!! We were a bit worried at first about making the only requirement that applicants should have, at the time of writing and to the best of their knowledge, no association whether in person or through close relatives to moats, tennis courts, swimming pools, duck ponds or servants’ quarters. (Crucially, nothing about stable blocks so yours truly is still in with a chance!) But we’ve been deluged. We’ve got a couple of people who claim to live in terraced housing in the north of England and a woman in a genuine inner-city tower block!

Monday Dave wants an estimate. Says he wants us to ‘bottom line it’ for him. This is tricky. We’ve been ringing round constituencies all weekend and seats are coming up all over the place. Jed says we may have to bring in another A list. We’re going to need Cleanskins. More young women and people in their twenties with limited experience of all walks of life. More young women... more young women... Should I stand?!?! Where should I stand?!?! I would need a Surrey seat. But that doesn’t look so impossible any longer. Mr Gove seems to be hanging in. But what about Mr Grayling? Can’t believe I’m thinking like this, but Epsom would be jolly handy. No, I mustn’t do this. But still. No, I must focus on the job in hand.

Monday I couldn’t say this out loud in the office, but our people certainly do a better class of expenses fiddle. There was something awfully depressing about all those Labour claims for dry rot, porn, bath plugs, nappies and Kit-Kats from the vending machine at B&Q. Fancy selling your soul for that?! The fact that Conservatives claim for swimming pools, tennis courts, chandeliers and moats is still terrible, don’t get me wrong. But it is at least a bit more ambitious, a good deal more cheerful, and possibly gives the taxpayer better value for money in terms of what they are investing in. But I know I’m not allowed to think like this. We’re having a Two Minute Shame session this afternoon and I don’t want to be in the wrong mood.

Monday Good job we don’t do negative campaigning any more. If we did we’d have to start a unit called Blears Smears! As it is, in this post-McBride era, we are simply setting up Operation Ginger Whinger. Much more professional. We need to combat any potential threat from the tiny, squeaky woman even if it does seem unlikely that she could lead a government. It is curious, isn’t it? A once mighty party coming up with a man who waves a banana and a miniature person on a motorbike as candidates for the leadership. There’s something suspicious about how rubbish it is. Nigel says he’s sure they’ve got someone sensible up their sleeve, like nice Mr Purnell, and that Hazel is just a red herring. Oh I just got that!

Monday Farewell then GWB. Whoever thought that was a good idea? Nobody here, I can assure you. Measuring output in terms of General Wellbeing is just plain silly when the really important stuff is all to do with hard figures. As such, we will be using a brand new measure of the nation’s progress from now on. It’s called GDP, or Gross Domestic Product, I believe. Much more sensible. Speaking of which, thank goodness for Mr Redwood and his super list of cuts we can make to public spending. Nanu nanu! We always said the instinctive small state ideas of traditional rightwingers would sweep this party to power and so it has proved to be! (Spending cuts ideas on a postcard please. Literally everything considered. Mark for the attn of ‘Project Slash and Burn’.

Monday What a great call for Dave to get ‘bloody angry’! It’s passionate, sexy and modern, not to mention emotionally intelligent, yet also authoritarian and traditional, and a tiny bit kinky at the same time. All the girls agree that it really suits him and should be used more often. Apparently Jed got it from Google in California where the execs often become ‘bloody angry’ in a dynamic way, usually in special areas filled with ergonomic stress scrunchers and organic beanbags. We are now thinking of coming up with just such a space at CCHQ, to compliment the Austerity Room.

Monday This is just silly. Why won’t anyone tell me what Dave didn’t have? I only asked if it wasn’t a verruca but Poppy got v cross and said: ‘Dave does not not have a verruca!’ in a really aggressive way. ‘Well, what wasn’t it then?’ I asked. ‘He didn’t not have athlete’s foot did he?’ Thought this was reasonable question but was locked in Austerity Room for three hours before Jed ordered my release. By then they’d had all the exciting briefings, including the one about boot polish I was so looking forward to. Why do they always keep this sort of stuff from me? I can cope with the rough end of politics, warts and all. Everyone still v upset.

Monday Bath plugs 25; scatter cushions 173; patio heaters 15; gazebos 3 (v bad). I’ve made an official complaint to Nigel. They’re going to have to get me some help. I cannot man the Expenses Hotline on my own any longer and neither should I be expected to. It’s worse since they started sending in photocopies of claims for me to cross check. If I have to go through another ten-foot-long B&Q receipt looking for bath plugs and toothbrush holders I will scream. And how am I supposed to know if a garden heater is a legitimate expense? I suppose you could argue that an MP cannot be expected to catch a chill during essential family barbecues if he is to fulfil his obligations to voters properly, but I sense I’m on a sticky wicket.

Monday Our new Expenses Helpline is completely jammed. We’re not even scratching the surface of the demand. Had an MP on this morning hysterical about his Sky subscription. Something about ‘buxom babes’ and ‘essential research into Broken Britain’. Another backbencher demanding to know what to do about his hunting fees — ‘Are they saying I can’t claim them back now? Ridiculous! It’s only £115 a month for a full subscription including field money.’ I said I thought it probably best if he didn’t, just until the fuss dies down. Then someone who wouldn’t give his name but, weirdly, sounded exactly like Wonky Tom.

Monday It’s all v odd. As far as I can tell, until this week we didn’t have any tax cuts at all and people were jolly cross about it. Now we seem to have dozens of tax cuts which we are going to have to drop and people are even crosser. What I want to know is, how did we get from having a policy of no tax cuts which definitely was going to happen, to having a policy of loads of tax cuts which possibly isn’t going to happen? And isn’t the result broadly the same in both cases? So what’s all the fuss about?? I just cannot get my head around it. The strangest thing of all is why Ken is suddenly answering his phone at weekends and agreeing to our requests to go on Sunday television programmes to talk about the economy.

Monday V exciting! Our new Apology and Regret Strategy is such a success we are going to expand it. Jed says we’ve really set the agenda with some groundbreaking grovelling which has made Gordon look like a horrid grump who can’t own up when he’s as guilty as a puppy sitting next to a pile of doo-doo. Or should that be do-do? By contrast Dave is a man of towering integrity who is not afraid to say when something he’s had nothing to do-do with has gone horribly wrong. Just as when he apologised manfully for the slave trade, Our Leader’s Apology For The Recession has blazed a trail in taking responsibility for the actions of others which have resulted in disasters we could never have foreseen or prevented.

Monday Dave’s horrible clothes are a triumph! Of course everyone is claiming it was their idea, but the fact is no one remembered he’d got those smelly old trainers made out of recycled tyre rubber and wine bottle corks until I pointed it out. Sam was a bit trickier. Once Tom and I got over to the house and started rooting through things it was obvious we weren’t going to find anything scruffy so we had to improvise by scuffing a pair of her best boots with a spaghetti spoon. She wasn’t best pleased at first — lot of choice mockney swearing about stoning crows — but when the photos came out even she could see the wisdom of it.