Tamzin Lightwater

Monday Dave has moved into the building! He and his staff left the Commons office on Friday night and set up camp in The Thatcher Room! That ought to put paid to the silly people saying Dave doesn’t respect Lady T. I went for a little peep earlier and he’s got piles of clever books. Inside Her Pretty Little Head: A New Theory of Female Motivation and What it Means for Markets sounds interesting. Bit concerned about The Low Carbon Diet. Are we going to have to eat CO2 now? Do I, as a Modern Compassionate Conservative, have to swallow my own footprint? Oddly, someone seems to have taken The Thatcher Room sign off the door. Asked Nigel why, and he claimed Dave insisted on it coming down. Must say, I feel a bit hurt.

Monday V. exciting. Was in charge of note-taking and smoothies at our Emergency Treachery-Management Meeting. We couldn’t decide what to do about Mr Mercer. Jed argued for something v unpleasant-sounding, which would involve us digging for a lot of complicated information, and would take ages. Was a bit worried as have dressage trials with Sesame tonight. Thankfully Mrs Spelperson persuaded everyone we had to lovebomb ‘dear old Paddy’, or he would go ‘all the way over’. It is very confusing: Mr Mercer was supposed to be much too right-wing for us when we sacked him for telling the truth about the army, and now he is making friends with Mr Brown who is very left-wing. I think.

Monday I can’t take much more of this. Even Daddy says I need a holiday and our family motto is ‘Don’t Make a Fuss’ (it sounds better in Latin). It’s just unbearable, non-stop horridness. Every time we think we’ve got on top of it another Dipwig (Deeply Irrelevant Person With Grudge) comes crawling out of the woodwork to have a go at poor Dave. I wouldn’t mind but they’re all complete losers. At least DD has come out fighting for us. He’s on a major military discipline metaphor high. He addressed the morning strategy meeting and it was really exciting. Lot of talk about something called the Maginot Line and a v interesting slide show entitled ‘From Static Defence to Penetrating Counter-offensive’. He was quite masterful.

Monday Horrid, horrid. It’s all election war footing and aggression and shouting round here. Jed has decided we are ‘too nice’. Says he is going to toughen us up and turn us into ‘attack dogs’. (Am prepared to do almost anything for Dave. But the concept of turning me and the girls into dogs, ‘attack’ or otherwise, is — well — just not very nice). Our lifestyle guru Sherwood has been sent on decorating leave, the positive energy murals have been taken down, Die Hard With a Vengeance is playing on a loop on the TV monitors and the Tranquillity Room is being used for kickboxing. Suzie from Events says it’s almost as bad as when Lynton was around. The Great C.

Monday A day of high drama. Heart-stopping parliamentary meeting at which Dave put the party on stand-by for an election in October... THIS October! Ordered everyone to start digging for dirt on Gordon. This would mean certain political death for those supplying the dirt when the Great Clunking Fist found out. Nevertheless it was our solemn duty. The GCF Unit is being headed by Mr Grayling. He was standing in the corner with a face as white as a sheet. With all the excitement it was clearly no wonder I got confused and told the driver to take Dave to Tottenham instead of Tooting. We were half way across London before someone pointed out that we hadn’t crossed the river yet.

Our very own Tamzin Lightwater has joined Facebook. So if you’re curious about who the mysterious Miss Lightwater is, give her a poke.

Monday Disaster. Dave’s big policy announcement on illegal logging totally ruined by rogue spelling error and I’m to blame. Can’t believe I could be so stupid as to add a letter ‘b’ by mistake. Nigel says I must have done it on purpose. Jed says my ‘Inner Moderniser’ did it subliminally. Either way we now have a v. draconian policy on illegal blogging which is going to cause all sorts of upset to the men who live in the chatrooms. That nice Mr Dale sits up half the night deleting swear words as it is. Hope no one tells them it was me who came up with new regime of fines and imprisonment. They might start calling me names. I don’t mind myself but I have to think of Mummy.

MONDAY I wish everyone would just calm down. It’s like the inside of Mr Willetts’s smaller brain (the one he used for grammar schools) around here. Don’t see why everyone is hysterical just because we are getting a new Director of Comms. So Gary’s from Essex and used to be a tabloid newspaper editor. It doesn’t mean he won’t be Caring and Compassionate. He’s going to have the office next to Jed’s —it was a big stipulation of his contract that they have almost equal billing but Jed says ‘almost equal’ is a very specific term. Lot of funny-looking crates being piled up in there, most of them marked ‘Specialist Equipment: Do Not Touch’ and ‘Group 4 Surveillance Products’.

MONDAY Jed away for three weeks on horseback safari in Botswana and nobody knows who’s in charge. Nigel says it’s The Three Georges, Poppy reckons it’s Mr Maude, Wonky Tom says we ought to ring Sam — she’s bound to know what to do (‘All right, my darlin’, getcha notebook out...’). We will have to muddle on. Tom and I are doing a Grammar Schools Rebels stock-take — we estimate it’s 98 per cent of MPs and peers, including all of front bench, plus entire voluntary party. Personally, I feel this is going to make it difficult to draw a line under things by sacking Mr Brady. Last thing Jed said before he boarded flight to Gaborone was ‘Get me a list of the traitors!

Sunday Most exciting day ever: had to activate the Early Warning System! First time it’s been done!! I knew as soon as I saw the headlines on grammar schools that I would have to do it. I panicked at first, but remembered my training. I broke the glass on the Emergency Point and took out the Guidance Pack. The cover note said, ‘You are reading this because a Negative Story has been in the news for five days. Stay calm and follow the procedures below. Above all: remain civil and compassionate.’ ‘1. Call Jed. In the event of Jed being unavailable call Sam, Francis or George B. DO NOT call Oliver, or any other Georges. 2. Divert all incoming switchboard calls to voicemail, and ensure front doors locked. 3.