Steerpike

Many are the mysteries of the Catholic Church. The latest concerns the takings at Westminster Cathedral, which have suddenly soared by thousands of pounds a week. The priests, who for years bemoaned the stinginess of their flock, are said to be delighted by this outbreak of largesse among the faithful. They’re also rather puzzled. A long-running rumour suggested that someone close to the Cathedral was skimming the plate. The police were called in but could find no evidence of wrongdoing. As the coffers swell, the mystery deepens.   The obituaries of Sir Stuart Bell have revealed a host of fascinating details about the twice-married Middlesbrough MP. The 74-year-old spoke fluent French, practised law in France in the 1970s, and penned a novel suggestively entitled Paris 69.

Conor Burns, the Conservative MP who resigned from the government over Lords reform, is livid with Nick Clegg’s smug declaration that the Liberal Democrats are not going to abstain from the Tories’ vote on electoral boundaries but actively vote with the opposition. It's revenge on Burns and his cohort of true blues for killing the yellows’ beloved Lords reform bill earlier in the year; and it suggests that the rulebook has gone out the window: ‘It appears to prove what many have long feared: it’s one rule for the Conservatives, who have to resign or be sacked to vote against the government, and another rule for the Deputy Prime Minister who just has to have a hissy fit.’ Two days after recess and the gloves are off again.

Under the alias ‘Director General of the Russell Group’, a certain Dr Wendy Piatt has slammed the government’s policy on student visas. In a quote to the Independent, she warns: ‘as ministers crack down on abuse of the system, they must be careful about the messages they send to the world's best and brightest students.’ Surely this cannot be the same Dr Piatt who rose through the ranks of Tony Blair’s favourite think tank, IPPR, before being seconded to the Labour team at the Department of Education in 2002? The same Dr Piatt who later became a senior Downing Street aide under the Labour government? We should be told! Her Labour links do not end there.

The press officer for the Cairngorms National Park turned Chief Secretary to the Treasury faces constant accusations that he has gone 'native', owing to the relish with which he has taken to his job of slashing the state. He did himself few favours in that regard by speaking at a fringe event at the Tory conference last night. He was mobbed in the lobby of the Hyatt hotel when he arrived. And perhaps he should have expected the cries of 'are you joining Danny?' that greeted him. The episode greatly amused the Tories, especially one minister who cruelly whispered to me: 'He's more popular with us than he is in his own party'.

What gift do you buy for a man who has it all? It would be hard enough to pick a forty-sixth birthday present for the multi-millionaire David Cameron even if he were not the prime minister; but the fact that he is one of the leaders of the free world makes it even trickier. Boris went with the gift of loyalty this morning, managing to get the conference floor to eat out of the palms of his hands and also heap praise on David Cameron. 'If I am a mop, Dave, then you are the broom... sweeping away the mess left by Labour.' George Osborne is the 'dustpan' in Boris’s cleaning cupboard; I bet he’ll love that. There are physical presents, too. I hear that an old staff list from the Conservative Research Department in the early nineties has been dug out.

Officially the Tories are denying that UKIP is a threat to them. A private discussion with the party chairman about obstacles to a majority in 2015 held last night contained no mention of Farage's merry men. Yet it seems that Central Office might actually be a little more paranoid than they are letting on. The fringe hosted a panel debate this morning simply tilted 'Does UKIP pose a threat?' The Parliament Street think tank had invited a prominent UKIP member to challenge senior Tories on the matter. The only problem was that said UKIPper was told, just hours before the event, that their pass had been withdrawn and access to the conference denied. Clearly the 'kippers are no a threat at all.

A Labour conference delegate was heckled from the floor when she mentioned her school. Joanne, an immigrant who came to this country seeking political asylum and is about to read law, came face to face with the vested interests that blight education reform: the hall did not like the fact that she went to an Academy school. A delegate started shouting about comprehensive schooling, much to the horror of those around her. Michael Gove has come down on the girl's side, he has just told me: ‘Heckling a schoolgirl because she goes to an academy is disgraceful. But it also shows the real face of Labour – a party where aspiration and achievement gets booed. Stephen Twigg needs to condemn this and the culprit must be expelled from the party.

Ed Miliband's ‘One Nation’ conference speech will have put the populist cat amongst Downing Street’s toffee-nosed pigeons. Now young Dave's people will have to work out how to respond to this inspired piece of political cross-dressing, even if it is essentially diaphanous. One (alleged) Tory, though, is very happy with the direction in which the national debate seems to be travelling. Mr Steerpike found Phillip Blond, the 'Red Tory' and founder of the Respublica think-tank, cock-a-hoop after the speech: 'Ed Miliband has thrown down a blue Labour challenge to the Conservatives. No. 10 needs a Red Tory response unless they want to see Ed's One Nation politics win the next election.

David Miliband blasted New Statesman columnist Mehdi Hasan's updated Ed Miliband biography yesterday afternoon: 'Judging by extracts about me in the Mail on Sunday, updates to Ed's biography should be filed in the fiction section'. The former foreign secretary took umbrage at the suggestion that he had said his brother would 'crash and burn'. And, just in case we had missed the point, he added 'i.e. made up' for good measure. Despite these manifold grievances, the elder Miliband graced the New Statesman’s Labour conference party later in the evening. He waited until Ed had done the rounds and left before entering, tieless.

Barclays bank has opened a charm offensive, hosting an autumn drinks party for assorted hacks at its Mayfair offices. Insiders claim that it's ‘a very British affair’ at the bank these days, with a new regime at the top following Bob Diamond's departure. Indeed, even the more subtle traces of Diamond have been eradicated. It was a no tie affair in Mayfair, which meant that there was not a lime green silk number – Diamond’s trademark – in sight. It was not always so. I hear that, when the former chief executive was in town, ambitious tyros would whip their own lime green neckwear out of the desk drawer in an attempt to impress the big boss.