Steerpike

On zero sleep and only seven hours after being re-elected, Mark Reckless was back in the Commons and sitting on the opposition benches. Rushing back to take part in a Labour PR stunt/debate on the NHS in order to shore up a Ukip weakspot, Reckless wasted no time in getting sworn back in. The Tory benches were deserted for his return, but he was given a grudging welcome back by MPs of all colours. 'Listening to Reckless you would never think he had voted for the privatisation at the heart of the Health and Social Care Act 18 times', mused Labour's Bill Easterson. 'First speech by Mark Reckless for UKIP in Commons right now, urging support for a Labour bill. Immediate proof that vote UKIP, get Miliband,' seethed Tory Deputy Chief Whip.

It seems the most exciting thing to come out of today's Commons press gallery lunch with Danny Alexander was the Chief Secretary to the Treasury's claim that George Osborne locks his fridge in the department. Mr Steerpike has never been afflicted by an attack of the munchies while lurking in that part of Whitehall but he had a quick word with a Treasury source, who informed him that the fridge in question is Danny's fridge too, sitting right opposite his office and that it's only locked at night (which makes Mr Steerpike wonder what Alexander was doing going through the Treasury larder at night when officials are so happy to deliver expensive burgers). Apparently it has always been locked at night, ever since the Coalition parties pitched up in the Treasury in May 2015.

Having walked across Afghanistan, governed a province of Iraq and written award winning books about his adventures, now Rory Stewart has delivered his own son: 'Penrith and the Border MP Rory Stewart has announced the birth of his first son - which he ended up delivering himself on the bathroom floor. Alexander Wolf Stewart was born at 5.30am last Wednesday. A press statement said he arrived so quickly that Mr Stewart had to deliver him before a midwife could arrive. It added: 'The birth went very well and the baby and his mother, Shoshana, are very well. We are so so immensely happy and proud. It is such a happy day.' What does the ambitious Tory do for an encore?

Of all the watering holes across the capital, Mr S knows full well that the Pig and Eye club is both the most elusive and exclusive. So Steerpike was curious to hear that the MI5 joint has apparently been forced to change its name in order to err on the right side of political correctness. Originally set up by spies during the Cold War in their then-headquarters on Curzon Street, the Pig and Eye was a place where secret agents could meet over a drink – or five – without risk of being overheard by the wrong people. Peter Wright wrote of frequenting it in his best-selling espionage book Spycatcher. The secret establishment is then said to have moved with the security service to Millbank when they relocated there in 1995.

Labour’s efforts to demonise the hostile anti-Ed media is working. At the Labour leader’s eighth ‘relaunch’ speech on Thursday at Senate House, every single question from journalists was greeted by boos, hisses and tuts. The Labour leader actually dealt with the smattering of questions about his latest leadership woes rather well, yet the crowd were having none of it. Party members even hissed the polite chap from the BBC, much to the acute embarrassment of Mr Miliband, who was forced to calm his crowd with a ‘come on now, it’s a fair question’. When another hack asked if Ed felt he had made any mistakes as leader, one passionate activist audibly spat out ‘yes, taking a question from you.

In his campaign to make every single member of the Conservative benches want to throttle him, the Speaker launched a bizarre broadside against Winston Churchill’s grandson Sir Nicholas Soames on Monday. Hansard reports the moment as such: Sir Nicholas Soames (Mid Sussex) (Con): Is my hon. Friend aware of the serial bad behaviour by the Co-op in my constituency and others in the south, where it is taking over pubs and converting them into shops, often on very unsatisfactory sites? The Ship Inn in Cuckfield in my constituency is uniquely badly placed to serve as a Co-op. Will he look at what he can do to review the article 4 direction scheme, and to give general instructions about where such shops should be sited? Mr Speaker: That was a splendidly detailed question.

The Labour Party has asked the mad men over at Lucky Generals to work with them at the next general election, according to Campaign magazine. Seasoned watchers of this sort of thing will recall that Lucky Generals created Labour’s car-crash party political broadcast featuring a shrinking Nick Clegg (above). Despite a well rounded and widespread panning of the advert, the agency boasts about it on their website. ‘The film was the most talked-about political broadcast of recent times,’ they claim. Yes, but for all the wrong reasons. Mr S also wonders how Lucky General’s work for bookies Paddy Power will sit with the Labour team.

Is the latest Labour leadership crisis actually triggering new wave of party unity? Lord Prescott, who has slammed Miliband as ‘timid’ for his ‘complacent’ leadership style, spotted John McTernan, Tony Blair’s former political secretary turned columnist, in the reception of the BBC after they had both been on the airwaves to discuss the party’s dire straits. 'I remember when we used to disagree about things' called out Prezza. And it’s not just sparring partners in his own party who Ed is bringing together. At last some common ground has been found between Ukip and the Tories. 'He's the best thing going for absolutely everyone right now,' one Ukip spin doctor said of Ed Miliband.

Mr S was in one of Westminster's finest watering holes last night to toast Guy Fawkes. And who better to do it with than his old muckers from Guido Fawkes, who had whacked a hefty wodge of cash behind the bar in honour of their patron saint. The guest list was terribly exclusive: Jo Johnson, Buzzfeed’s Jim Waterson, and various libertarians from the Adam Smith Institute made the cut, but Dame Vivienne Westwood and the heiress model Alice Dellal were turned away. The pair disappeared off into the night to join the gaggle of Anonymous protesters getting their hemp knickers in a twist about fracking/Julian Assange/capitalism.