Steerpike

With just three days to go until the awful Autumn Statement, Westminster is agog to find out just how truly terrible it's going to be. Taxes? Up! Cuts? Aplenty! Growth? Flatlining! So, as we await with morbid fascination to see what the new season of Jeremy Hunt's Fiscal Drag Race has in store for us, what better to drown your sorrows than the latest tin-eared stunt from CCHQ? It seems that the wonder kids over at Tory high command have cooked up a deal with Virgin Wines to give long-suffering party members some liquid respite from their woes. In an email that went out on Friday, activists were invited to claim a free bottle of prosecco worth £12.99 plus '12 delicious wines for JUST £59.88'. Talk about providing for the needy this Christmas.

Dominic Raab likes to refer his six-week spell away from the Ministry of Justice as a 'sabbatical' but for many of his staff it was more of a respite. The Deputy Prime Minister, Lord Chancellor and Justice Secretary (as he likes to be called) was restored to the MoJ last month by Rishi Sunak, after he was unceremoniously booted out of the department by Liz Truss at the beginning of September. But it seems that civil servants aren't too pleased at Raab's return, judging by the smorgasbord of stories that appear in today's newspapers. The Guardian details how senior staff were offered a 'route out' of the ministry when he was reappointed amid concerns about his behaviour.

Westminster tuned in last night for another episode of I'm a Celebrity. There's no winner yet but one obvious loser, as this year's subplot appears to be Matt Hancock versus everyone else. Having been mocked on the first night for his Covid record, attention has now moved on to the reason why Hancock had to quit as Health Secretary: the rule-breaking, extra-marital affair, captured on CCTV footage in his own office. It was left to fellow contestant Babatúndé Aléshé to broach the subject, which he did with all the tact and sympathy of a runaway rhinoceros. Responding to Hancock's wistful protestations, the comedian retorted: 'You didn’t just ‘fell in love’ you were grabbing booty bruv!' adding 'I don’t judge you bruv.

Relations between London and Brussels haven't always been cordial in recent years. But red-faced staff in Whitehall's Foreign Office will be grateful for local police in the Belgian capital after they recovered a collection of stolen historic paintings that were stolen from the British Ambassador to Nato's official residence. Four pieces of art that belong to the state collection went missing earlier this year, prompting the intervention of local law enforcement to solve the theft. The paintings in question were produced by a quartet of twentieth century British artists: Henry Marvell Carr's San Vittore, Derek Clarke's Runner Beans, Frederick Gore's Puig Mayor from Fornalutx and Claude Maurice Rogers' Harvest Cornfield.

It's the biggest issue facing British politics: what to do about parliament's catering? An army marches on its stomach and our legion of lords and legislators is no exception. For months, Mr S has heard grumbles about standards slipping in the Commons canteen. And now, finally, we have the proof, for today parly bosses admitted in a post on the internal staff intranet that: the most recent inspection led to a new food hygiene rating of two stars, down from [the] previous rating of five… Environmental health officers identified the presence of pests near catering venues. This is a particular challenge in parliament. Given the calibre of some MPs, that's an understatement, to say the least.

These days, the Duchess of Sussex's ambitions are a little more grandiose than that of a mere English county. Now, the recalcitrant royal seems to have her heart set on being the voice of all women everywhere, unconfined by the constraints of mere geography or taste. For in the latest edition of her egomaniacal Archetypes podcast, the performance artist formerly known as Meghan Markle opted to suggest that epithets like her 'Difficult Duchess' nickname stemmed, in part, from (shock, horror) gendered sexism rather than, er, claims of objectionable personal behaviour. With remarkable understatement, the Duchess sighed to her listeners that 'not everyone is going to like you’ but that they ‘should respect you' regardless.

For the first time since Covid, it's the question all of Westminster is asking: where is Matt Hancock? Within the next 72 hours, the former Health Secretary is due to make an appearance in the I'm A Celebrity jungle, with Hancock set to receive a reported £400,000. Not bad work if you can get it. So Mr S was intrigued to discover that Hancock – an avowed environmentalist who distributes insulation advice to constituents– has clearly been doing his own bit of green-fingered energy work. For, according to his expense claims, Hancock billed the Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority last November to clean and service his Aga cooker oven for £120.

Former Manchester United player Gary Neville has been enjoying something of the political limelight in recent months. At the beginning of the year the footballer became a card carrying Labour member and in September joined Keir Starmer on stage for a pally conversation at the party’s conference. In interviews last year, Neville said that he would tear Boris Johnson to ‘shreds’ on ‘basic principles of behaviour’. Could it be though that Neville is far better at giving it out than taking it? That seems to be the case after the ex-footballer appeared as the host of Have I Got News For You last night.

The winds of change are blowing through the corridors of 4 Matthew Parker Street. Having turfed team Truss out of No. 10, it seems that the Sunak ascendancy has now coincided with a clear out in CCHQ. The past fortnight has seen a number of high-profile departures including chief executive Darren Mott, political director Ross Kempsell and party treasurer Malik Karim. Mott's departure was announced today after 31 years of service to the party, 'as jointly agreed with the party chairman and Prime Minister.' It means that there are now some big jobs currently going at CCHQ. The w4MP website lists vacancies for the director of CRD and head of the chairman's office as the newly-appointed Nadhim Zahawi seeks to make his mark.

Tory MPs often like to talk a tough game on China – but is it Labour who are now making the running? While the Conservatives are often at pains to wrap themselves in the flag and bang the drum for King and country, Mr S can't help but notice in recent weeks how frequently members of the Labour party like Lisa Nandy and Stephen Kinnock are to be found urging a firmer line on Beijing. First, there was the appalling attack on the Hong Kong democracy demonstration in Manchester outside the Chinese consul, in which suspected Chinese consular officials destroyed posters and assaulted a protester. The government response was assailed by a range of cross-party voices with both Sir Iain Duncan Smith and Alicia Kearns of the Tories demanding a tougher line.

Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. So what are we to glean from Matt Hancock’s latest comeback initiative under a third successive Tory premier? According to The Sun, the Casanova of the Commons has signed up to appear on the upcoming series of I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. What an irony in a man whose career was brought down by intrusive cameras turning to that same medium for rehabilitation.  Such a move is, of course, just the latest initiative for Hancock: a man with no beginning to his political talents. There’s also his bid to become the new Treasury select committee chair and his forthcoming pandemic diaries about his Covid misadventures – a Richard Curtis project if ever there was one.

It's not just Suella Braverman and Dominic Raab who have got their old jobs back. Following the Truss interregnum, normal service has been restored in Whitehall, with Michael Gove being handed another post in his fourth Conservative administration. The erudite Aberdonian has returned to the Department of Levelling Up – the ministry he left just last month – as its Secretary of State once more, beginning his speech to officials this afternoon 'As I was saying before I was interrupted...' Gove's appointment has cheered many of the department's long-suffering staff, relieved, at last, to have a minister skilled in the art of Whitehall warfare.