Nick Newman

‘I went out looting but the shoplifters got there first.’

‘So they ignored the Nimbys and built it anyway.’

‘It was a good idea to ask for an umbrella in your cocktail.’

‘It’s all change now, Larry.’

‘If they’ve freed Julian Assange there’s hope for us all.’

‘These days it’s almost impossible to find a Tory.’

‘I’m really excited about being apathetic.’

‘At least there isn’t any sewage.’

‘Are we attacking Starmer for being sleepy or woke?’

‘I’m War – I got conscripted.’

‘Just to warn you – there’s an election coming.’

‘We will only accept anyone.’

‘It’s safer than having him baptised in the Thames.’

‘It’ll be a lot scarier once it’s renationalised.’