We can’t afford a gun to go with it
From our UK edition
‘Unfortunately we can’t afford a gun to go with it.’
Nick Newman
Wednesday
Wednesday
I refuse to turn water into non-alcoholic wine
From our UK edition
‘I refuse to turn water into non-alcoholic wine.’
Welcome to assisted dying
From our UK edition
‘Welcome to assisted dying – or to give it its correct title, the NHS.’
Wednesday
Useful idiot
From our UK edition
‘But what if you turn into a useful idiot?’
Wednesday
He had gone to see The Brutalist
From our UK edition
‘Panic over – he had gone to see The Brutalist.’
Wednesday
You’ve been cleared for takeoff
From our UK edition
‘You’ve been cleared for takeoff.’
Wednesday
Meet Artificial Intelligence
From our UK edition
‘Death, War – meet Artificial Intelligence.’
Gerry Adams getting compensation
From our UK edition
‘When my husband heard about Gerry Adams getting compensation, he exploded.’
Convicted felon
From our UK edition
‘Are we keeping the public out or the convicted felon in?’
Wednesday
It’s so cold and bleak
From our UK edition
‘It’s so cold and bleak, Donald Trump may want to buy us.’
Wednesday
Who DOES God think he is?
From our UK edition
‘Who DOES God think he is? Elon Musk?’
Monday
173% accurate
From our UK edition
‘Our numbers are 173% accurate!’
Monday
Tell yonder peasant
From our UK edition
‘Tell yonder peasant that the winter fuel allowance is cancelled.’
May I remind the audience
From our UK edition
‘May I remind the audience to turn mobile phones on.’
Wednesday
A few inappropriate remarks and it was back to waiting tables
From our UK edition
‘A few inappropriate remarks and it was back to waiting tables.’
Wednesday
We need you to be Archbishop of Canterbury
From our UK edition
‘We need you to be Archbishop of Canterbury.’
Wednesday
It’s a shot in the arm for anti-vaxxers
From our UK edition
‘It’s a shot in the arm for anti-vaxxers.’
You’ve got what it takes
From our UK edition
‘You’ve got what it takes to be the Archbishop of Canterbury!’
Wednesday
All new Tesla
From our UK edition
‘There are no brakes and it’s back-seat drive.’
Oh no!
From our UK edition
‘Oh no! Sequels are always worse than the original!’