Nick Newman

‘I failed! Does that mean I get a peerage in the Liz Truss honours?’

‘Is Keir Starmer a real bore or just a man in a bore’s outfit?’

‘If I wanted to see people making a bomb I’d have a look at my gas bill.’

‘Quick! Someone take a blurry photo!’

‘God, how can the Ulez zone be everywhere?’

‘I’m looking for Mr Hard Right.’

‘It goes from 0-100°C in under six seconds.’

‘If it’s pain you’re after...’

‘... and my thanks to Boris Johnson, without whom...’

‘Gingerbread doesn’t appeal to the kiddies any more.’

‘I’m doing woke experience.’

‘I can’t wait to spoil my first ballot paper.’

‘I’ve sent for all the King’s pharmacists.’