Mary Killen

Dear Mary... Q. I am a picture framer. The other day I drove up to London to drop off a picture at the house of a client. While I was there, I asked if I could use the loo. Once inside I saw that there were some fairly nasty ‘marks’ in the lavatory itself. For my own purposes it was not necessary to make any contact with the lavatory bowl, so I settled myself swiftly and turned to walk out. As I opened the door I found another man waiting to come in. I did not like to insult my client by making any remark exculpating myself from the mess within, but neither did I wish this man to think that I was responsible for having left it in that state. I am still worrying about this two weeks later. What should I have said or done, Mary? P.E., Pewsey, Wiltshire A.

Dear Mary... A number of correspondents wrote in regarding the problem (26 March) of what to call the unmarried mother of one’s son’s child. Here is a selection. Q. Oh Mary, I love it when you go all family values! Yes, yes, you are so right to stop the rot! Partners forsooth! Even worse are married couples where the husband refers to his ‘wife-companion’. Well, that’s rather touching but still icky. Anyway, mischievously, may I suggest that the word ought to be pronounced as if French, i.e., imprégnée? That would give it a little style. ‘This is Carlotta, Nevil’s dear imprégnée!’ And practically, may I suggest: ‘This is the mother/father of my grandchild?

Dear Mary... Q. As a single person I invite many people over for dinner. Invariably the numbers are not equal, but I go to immense pains to get a mixture of guests who will find each other interesting, and also try to cook something special and delicious. The return invitations are invariably of the ‘take-us-as-you-find-us’ variety (‘Do come over. It’ll be Just Us. I don’t know what I’ll cook — probably pot luck’). To rub salt into the wound, at these suppers I am regaled with stories of the sparkling dinner parties my hosts have recently held, all featuring people who are fascinating but — most important — in couples.

Dear Mary... Q. I am 43. I am starting to develop terrible furrows on my forehead. I do not wish to go under the knife nor do I wish to have any more Botox because I do not like the ‘Botox delay’ effect. What do you recommend, Mary? S.F., Sunningdale, Berkshire A. Some readers may be unfamiliar with the expression ‘Botox delay’. This effect can be viewed when an injectee’s facial expression fails to run concurrently with views being expressed, but manifests itself, inappropriately, a few seconds later, when the subject has moved on. This is unnerving for interlocutors.

Dear Mary... Q. May I humbly correct the advice you gave about the life-long friend who has developed an ‘unfortunate strain of body odour’? She is suffering from trimethylaminuria, a rare metabolic defect which causes a fish-like smell due to abnormal breakdown of choline. Simple blood and urine tests are available to confirm the diagnosis, often triggered by a fishy meal. Appropriate dietary modification can cure the problem.M.A.M. (consultant nephrologist), London Wl A. Despite the fact that my correspondent of 4 March gave no indication of the body odour in question being ‘fish-like’, readers will join me in being delighted by your learned advice.

Dear Mary... Q. What can one give as a present to friends, in their fifties, who are getting married? Both have previously been married to other people and already have all the material goods they could possibly want. Like the Prince of Wales and Mrs Parker Bowles, the couple in question have been secretly in love for many years so something romantic would be appropriate. What do you recommend, Mary? A.Q., Dartmouth A. Why not order some customised stamps to celebrate your friends’ marriage? The Royal Mail now provides a service which allows you to combine a photograph of your choice with a legitimate Royal Mail stamp. A unique set of 20 first class stamps costs just £14.95. I think a hundred would be an enjoyable amount for an engaged couple to receive.

Dear Mary... Q. My teenage daughter’s lifelong friend has over the years developed the most unfortunate strain of body odour, obviously unbeknown to her. It has become increasingly unbearable recently and presumably in her earlier years was either masked in infant fumes or more tolerable. Apparently the problem is widely discussed at school but no one has a solution, mainly because of the ponger’s genial nature and because of the inherent risk to the messenger. This friendship is important to my daughter, even at great risk to our olfactory nerves, but then so is our need to reduce the widespread use of pungent aerosol spray. Can you propose a resolution?Name withheld, Belgravia, London A. Invite the offender to stay the night in your home.

Dear Mary... Q. My daughter, aged 19, is proposing to take out a student loan in order to have her teeth whitened. It is not the borrowing of money I object to so much as the fact that her own teeth are not in any way discoloured. Please help quickly, Mary, as I am certain her natural look really could not be bettered.E.O., London SW18 A. Since ‘Frankenteeth’, as they might be dubbed, look Tippex-white under strobe lighting, ask your daughter to attend a few discos and spot the flashers before she goes ahead. Like toupees being blown off in the wind, bleached teeth can cause great embarrassment when they are unmasked as artifice. Even in daylight hours the most expensively whitened teeth can jar in a face.

Dear Mary... Q. I like to attend parties if I am invited but, despite the fact that most of my friends are in their forties, they seem to have an unfortunate tendency to want loud music to be playing during these parties, even when there is no dancing opportunity. I find that this means I come away with a sore throat from shouting to make myself heard. What do you suggest, Mary?R.C., London W2 A. The best way around this is to trigger a verbal torrent from your interlocutor so you don’t have to use your own voice. There are various subjects which will encourage a decent outflow. Why not inquire, ‘You look so healthy. How do you do it?’ Or, with regard to your host or hostess, ‘How did you first meet so-and-so?’ Even, ‘Have you been clamped recently?

Dear Mary... Q. I sent a thank-you letter for dinner to a couple whom I know only slightly. In the thank-you letter, I asked them to dinner. I have had no reply and the date has come and gone. Does this mean that they didn’t get the thank-you letter — in which case they will think me rude for not thanking them? Should I write again? Or does it mean that they are rude in not replying to my invitation? V.I., London W12 A. Rudeness is unlikely. If they live in London, where the post is now so bad that party invitations are frequently sent by hand or by email, they may not have received your letter. The other possibility is that they saw you had sent a thank-you letter, assumed it was all guff, and didn’t bother reading it all the way through.

Dear Mary... Q. I am becoming increasingly annoyed by friends and acquaintances who think it is acceptable to snort coke. At civilised dinner parties, we find increasingly that someone will bring it out in a pathetic attempt to show they are still young and groovy and rather good fun. Living in seedy west London and working with people whose relations have been murdered in turf wars, I am becoming more and more incensed at the irresponsibility of this behaviour by people who should know better but are well protected from the consequences of their actions. How do we deal with this without ruining everybody's party? Name and address withheld A. Why not play devil’s advocate by blandly proposing a debate — ‘Does cocaine fall under the umbrella of Fair Trade?

Dear Mary... Q. I am a 22-year-old man and I recently left university. While I had thought that I would at least be engaged to be married by now, the truth is that I find it almost impossible to date girls. It seems to me that girls of my age adopt a herd-like strategy when they go out, making it terrifying or threatening for boys to approach them individually. When you do so, if you talk to one girl, the others in the herd all stare expectantly or titter. On top of this, every time I pass a news-stand, I see girls’ magazines shouting out ‘demand four orgasms a night from your man’ and similar. The girls all seem so confident, yet most of my male friends feel as reticent as I do. What should we do, Mary?M.G.B., Boars Hill, Oxford A.

Dear Mary... Q. I design clothes and have rented a small shop in west London from which to purvey my wares while maintaining my primary residence on the Welsh borders. I am in London for only three days a week but am trying to keep costs down. I therefore have installed a day bed in the back room of the shop which I find perfectly comfortable. There is a lavatory downstairs and if I want to have a shower I can do so at the Lansdowne Club. The trouble is that my subscription is coming up for renewal and I am wondering whether I can cut costs even further by going to ‘public baths’. Is there such a thing in the Notting Hill area or are they a thing of the past? Name withheld, Hay-on-Wye A.

Dear Mary... Q. What should a host do when two sets of guests are at daggers drawn? It was supposed to be a jolly house party last weekend but my sister plus family of four got on very badly with a colleague of my wife’s who had brought his family of four. The atmosphere went sour following a row over the three-minute silence, but this was really just a mask for the general dyspepsia suffered by my wife’s colleague, who drinks and eats too much and whose business is going badly. The general merriment and air of celebration which should have prevailed was effectively stymied by the stand-off. How can a host make sure people who never really meant to fall out in the first place can make friends again and still save face? H.S., Dorset A.

Dear Mary... Q. My parents own a house in Cornwall which they normally rent out at New Year for a huge sum of money. This year they very kindly allowed me to have it and to invite ten friends from uni. It all went really well and everyone had a brilliant time. My problem is that although my guests all thanked me — mostly orally, in some cases by texting — I am worried that none of them will get round to thanking my parents in writing. It may not even occur to them to do so. How can I tactfully remind them to get on with these bread-and-butter letters? My parents are old-fashioned about these things and my friends’ idleness would certainly impact on my opportunity to take the house again. S.G., Exeter A. Do not bother being tactful.

Dear Mary... Q. I have a huge crush on a man who works in the same building as I do, but on a different floor. He lives quite near me but, although I have bumped into him on the Tube from time to time and in the lobby of our building and he seems to find me not unattractive, he has made no attempt to see me outside work. I have a friend and ally who works on his floor and chats a lot to him. She says he definitely does not have a girlfriend and definitely is not gay. She says he is just shy. How can I push things forward, Mary?Name withheld, London E14 A. Put up an advert on the staff noticeboard offering something irresistible that your friend and ally has deduced, through chatting, that the man in question is in need of.

Once again Mary has invited some of her favourite members of the prominentii to submit queries for her consideration. From Toby YoungQ. I am a theatre critic currently appearing in a one-man show in the West End. Not surprisingly, several of my colleagues have been less than generous about my performance. One in particular, a man I’ve always had a very congenial relationship with, was absolutely vicious, saying he hoped I’d leave the country. When I resume my duties as a critic, I’ll inevitably bump into this man two or three times a week and I’m not sure how to behave. Should I just pretend I didn’t read his review and greet him in the normal manner? Or should I abandon all attempts to maintain friendly relations?A.

Dear Mary... Q. In Scotland the Celtic tradition favours the female line (hence hereditary titles passing to daughters in the absence of an immediate male heir). In my opinion it would therefore be entirely appropriate for G.C. (4 December) to wear his wife’s tartan at a reeling party, provided (as stated) it is worn with respect. Highland dress and Scottish country dancing make a colourful combination, but if your correspondent has further reservations I suggest he might consider acquiring a pair of tartan trews. Roddy Martine, Edinburgh A. There is logic in your argument. However, my straw poll of Scottish noblewomen with English husbands revealed that the majority would be horrified if their husbands dressed in a kilt.

Q. At 50, I was entitled to retirement which left me free to start an easier career and I got a job as a driver/valet to a young Saudi Arabian who owns a racing stud. I enjoy the work and we get on well. As is correct, I call him ‘Sir’ and he addresses me by my surname. Trouble is, so does his personal assistant, who is posh but a slip of a girl. She does so in front of my daughter, who is older than her. How can I get her to see that I resent her calling me by my surname without upsetting the applecart? Perhaps I sound petty and ridiculous, but you have no idea how it riles me; I suppose because it makes me feel inferior and reminds me of the change in status I should have come to terms with by now.G.M., Derbyshire A.

Dear Mary... Q. Last week I went to a private view of Craigie Aitchison’s new pictures. I have always been a fan of his and having had a windfall I was looking forward to purchasing one of his compositions. I asked a gallery assistant for a price list — a reasonable request, one might think, but her response was, ‘We don’t do price lists. However, if you were interested in a particular picture we might be able to help.’ I was left feeling snubbed and so pursued the matter no further. How should I have replied? Name and address withheld A. You could have pulled a sympathetic face and said, ‘Oh sorry, I didn’t mean to put you on the spot. Poor you, not having a price list. Do you find it puts a lot of buyers off?’ Q.