Mary Killen

Dear Mary... Q. I have been married for over 35 years and have four children and two grandchildren and parents still alive. My husband, of whom I am still fond, has been engaged in a long, weekday affair with a friend of mine, which is probably delightful for him, but hurtful and boring for me. I am quite used to allowing him a long rein. I live in the country and he is in London during the week, and the thought of a full-scale confrontation and the inevitable ensuing drama seems pointless and damaging for all who would become involved. However, I am finding it increasingly galling to let them, particularly her, get away scot-free. How can I punish them suitably? She is a divorcee and a headmistress of a smart London prep school. Mary, please help me.Name and address withheld A.

Dear Mary... Q. Living as we do far from the motherland, a particular problem arises with what are best described as ‘professional Englishmen’. These men, of often dubious past, make a living out of pretending to be ‘top-drawer’ English. They sport an old school tie and the appropriate accent and wind up being appointed to company boards and invited to the best parties. The recent cost-of-living increases in central London have meant that their arrivals on our shores have reached plague proportions. I myself was recently fooled into inviting one of the ersatz gentlemen to my own dinner table with disastrous results which need not concern your readers. Mary, please help.

Dear Mary Q. Can you tell me who all these people are who wear black eye-patches and look like pirates? One only has to look through the social pages of H&Q or Tatler and no party snapshot seems complete without some old boy or gal with an eye-patch. You never see these people at humbler gatherings, so are people of Social Class One especially prone to eye deformities? Are these due to polo or shooting injuries? I’m a doctor and I know you’re from a medical family, Mary, so can you enlighten me? C.T., Southsea, Hampshire A. Although their eye-patches may make them more visible, so to speak, than other ranks with eye injuries, grandees are not especially prone to them.

Dear Mary... Q. I have an etiquette question for you. I came back from Egypt with a stomach bug the other day, was overcome by nausea on my way across Westbourne Grove, and had to choose between vomiting in the gutter or in the litter bin outside Agnes B. I chose the litter bin but have been told that that was wrong/inconsiderate. Can you rule, Mary? M.W., London W11 A. As the vomiter will be equally humiliated by either course, the point here is to minimise offence to the supporting cast in this mini-drama, so I am sorry to say this means the gutter would have been the better option. It is actually very difficult and unpleasant to try to get sick out of the Kensington and Chelsea bins, as the usual failure to do so attests. It is, by contrast,a lot easier to sluice it down a gutter.

Dear Mary... Q. As I am getting on a bit I find the process of uncorking bottles extremely arduous and fear doing irreparable damage to my aortic muscles. Can you give me some guidance about any of the wines that come in screwtop bottles? Is it all inevitably second-rate, or are there any good names you can recommend? J.O., London SW4 A. Times have changed — at least as far as New Zealand wines are concerned. The majority of the Wine Society’s New Zealand wines come with screwtops, and the Sauvignons that come from Marlborough are thought to be absolutely acceptable. What is more, says Charlie Wrey of The Vintry (www.vintry.co.uk), screwtops are ideal for pensioners who may not wish to finish a bottle at one sitting.

Dear Mary Q. In recent weeks I have been the recipient of an unusually large postbag of personal letters. In order to open these with speed and efficiency, and without inflicting repetitive strain injury on thumb and forefinger, I have been forced to employ a paper-knife. The sad upshot of this has been that many of these very welcome letters have had a third slashed off them as the knife did its work in opening the envelopes. Mary, would you please remind readers to fold letters in two, not three, and with the crease at the bottom of the envelope in situations where the recipient is likely to be inundated? Name and address withheld A. Thank you for this useful tip. Q. I am very short of money but do not have much time available in which to work.

Dear Mary Q. Here’s a solution to noisy New Zealand neighbours having barbies in the garden late at night. The last time ours had one my husband went over and told them the noise was absolutely fine by us, but there was a lunatic on crack in the assisted housing flats next to them. Said crack addict had come at him with a leafblower one evening when we’d had the gardeners in and actually smashed a pane of glass in the front door trying to kill him. The police came round and said they couldn’t do a thing about it, of course, which meant it was quite likely he would strike again if provoked. All perfectly true too. H.C.d.S., London W14 A.

Dear Mary... Q. My son attends a school where all the parents, apart from his own, appear to be either Yummy Mummies or Superdads as well as multimillionaires. Since most of these mothers don’t work, they are all very competitive with each other, and the key competition of the year is coming up in the last week of term, the PTA-arranged tennis tournament. I dread the thought of being ritually humiliated both on and off the court. When confronted by the PTA member who will shortly be standing outside my son’s classroom asking me to put my name down for singles or doubles, how can I decline without seeming antisocial or unsportswomanlike? Name withheld, London W11 A. Do not cringe in anticipation.

Dear Mary.... Q. A friend who invited me to stay for a few days in France has told me I can get a lift in the plane of one of the other guests. I am a nervous flyer at the best of times and particularly nervous at the thought that the plane-owner, whom I do not know well but who has an aura of recklessness about him, might be at the wheel. How can I delicately find out whether it will be he or a proper pilot with braid on his shoulders? Should the former be the case and my destiny be in the hands of the plane’s owner, I would rather go No Frills but No Kills.K.L., Wantage, Oxfordshire A. Ring up the hospitable plane-owner to thank him for his offer and to get details of departure times, et cetera. Then say, ‘Congratulations!

Dear Mary... Q. My parents, sister and in-laws are all devout Roman Catholics. I myself was raised a Catholic but have been an atheist for over 20 years, a fact of which all my family are aware. Naturally our family life involves attending numerous RC church services (weddings, baptisms, funerals). Joining in with the religious actions (genuflecting, kneeling to pray, taking communion, making the sign of the cross and so on) makes me feel bogus and uncomfortably self-conscious. However, I worry that not joining in would be seen as an ostentatious rejection of beliefs which are dear to people I love. How can I politely attend these Roman Catholic religious services without taking part in them? Thank you for your help.Name and address withheld A.

Dear Mary... Q. As a child I largely complied with my parents’ wishes and there was no question of baiting them ad infinitum as my own children do me. In my day there was still the fear of smacking but, needless to say, my own children, a boy aged nine and a girl aged seven, have never been smacked. They do love each other and usually get on well, except during long journeys, when they fight like cat and dog. Over Easter I arrived at various destinations totally drained from breaking up fights. I am now developing travelphobia in anticipation of long journeys scheduled for the summer holidays. My husband, who has more control over them, will be travelling separately . Do you have any tips for making children behave during these interminable journeys? S.A., London SW12 A.

Dear Mary... Q. I recently went business-class, for the first time in my life, to New Zealand and back. On the second lap of the long return journey, from LA to London, I returned to my correct seat, one of two near a window, to find a couple in their sixties standing there. They said they had been incorrectly given seats away from each other and seemed to expect me, because I was travelling alone, to change to a seat in the centre. Since that would have had no window, I refused. I said I had never flown business-class before, I liked my seat and was looking forward to seeing the country around Las Vegas. The stewardess said I had a right to refuse and told the couple to sit in their designated seats for take-off, after which she would try to reposition them. The woman sat next to me.

Dear Mary Q. My dilemma is about male wedding rings. I (born 1927) was brought up to believe they were ‘non-U’, and now I see all sorts of males wearing them. I have to know whether I am right or wrong before I die! I am beginning to wonder whether this is a ‘politically correct’ subject, like so many things today. Please, dear Mary, can you put me straight?F.B., Helston, Cornwall A. Traditionally the English gent does not wear jewellery, and even signet rings are considered dodgy. Of course there are exceptions that prove the rule.

Dear Mary... Several friends living overseas have indicated that they will be coming to England this summer and that they would like to pay us a visit. However, since seeing them last, these friends have produced a number of infants and they seem to labour under the delusion that I am more interested in seeing the children than their parents. The truth is I can tolerate the company of children under five for a maximum of 20 minutes. How do I tell these proud parents that I am looking forward to seeing them, but without offspring? Naturally I do not want to hurt anyone’s feelings.L.B., via email A. You clearly have no children. If you had, you would be aware that, when trying to socialise, parents can tolerate the company of their own under-fives for a maximum of 20 minutes.

Dear Mary Q. Despite the fact that I have been attending parties for many years, I have not yet mastered the art of laughing at jokes that I do not find remotely funny. Can you think of any solutions? Name and address withheld A. It is well known in humorist circles that many of those who are in clear possession of a sense of humour do not necessarily respond to funniness by laughing. Indeed, a smile never breaches the lips of one of our leading humorists. Instead she reacts to good jokes with an expressionless face, shaking her head sagely and intoning ‘That’s very funny’ in a slow and monotonous voice. You could adapt this method to your own use since it gives the impression that the joke is so profoundly funny that it is beyond smiling or laughing at. Q.

Q. My wife and I recently attended a wedding after which we sat down to a formal dinner. It was all going very well until the best man’s speech. This particular chap — a barrister, who should have known better — proceeded to bore for England with an utterly tedious and humourless waffle that lasted for three quarters of an hour. As guests, we were all too embarrassed to do anything except sit tight and inwardly groan. But by the time the fool had finished, he had pretty well ruined the evening. I am puzzled as to what anyone could have done to get him to shut up. And who should take action — the host or hostess, or a guest?

Q. When my husband is behaving badly I sometimes think I would like to know exactly how much I might receive in a divorce settlement, just so I could have an unnerving little smile playing about my lips, safe in the knowledge of what I am ‘worth’. How can I get this information without actually consulting a solicitor? I don’t want to wash my dirty linen in public or set any inexorable process in motion. Name and address withheld A. An inexorable process would not necessarily be set in motion. Two of the very top divorce lawyers in the country, Fiona Shackleton and Roger Bamber, both sit their clients down and urge them not to divorce.

Dear Mary... Q. I find that I can’t remember somebody’s name for longer than 30 seconds after I have been introduced to them. It is worse at a party where I recognise people’s faces and suspect I know them well, but cannot remember who they are. Recently, at a fashion party, there was a typical worst-case scenario when I saw an old friend from university who now moves in fashion circles, and his name completely eclipsed [sic] me. Can you recommend a foolproof procedure that will work every time to prevent me from having these problems? I do not want to have to go on a five-day memory improvement course. S.G., London W8 A. In junior circles such as your own the mobile telephone provides an instant solution to this problem.

Dear Mary... Q. I have three bolshie children and at this time of year I like to start writing dates in the diary for the summer holidays, since I know that without a carefully pre-arranged schedule the children will start making inconvenient arrangements of their own. However, my problem is that for the last two years we have rented a house in Cornwall with another family. They have made no mention this year of repeating the experience and, although we like them very much, neither have we, for fear of being pushy and turning the thing into an inextricable annual arrangement. I am now paralysed, not knowing whether to wait for them to suggest it or go ahead with independent arrangements. What shall I do? Name and address withheld A.

Dear Mary... Q. When one is present at a dinner party where a politician is a fellow guest, I have noticed a tendency for the politician to hold forth with a monologue which brooks no interruption or response from would-be interlocutors. There is nothing party political about this — it seems to happen across the spectrum, from fascist to left-wing. Members of other professions — legal, medical, the racing fraternity and so on — do not indulge in this monomania, so how can one tactfully discourage it?S.T., Chirton, Wiltshire A. Even Queen Victoria said of Gladstone, ‘He speaks to me as if I was a public meeting.’ Yet at the very least a politician will usually allow the odd question in order to trigger the monologues, so let yours be a kindly query....