Mary Killen

Dear Mary... Q. We were recently married and a number of people who had informed us that they were coming failed to appear on the day. Besides the disappointment, our catering was not cheap and these no-shows cost us a considerable sum. We had to be tough with numbers, and we had a few people who were slightly hurt not to have been invited. We could have used the places for them. Our question is this: should we chastise the people who failed to appear? If so, how? M. & K.M., Cairns, Queensland, Australia A. Twenty years ago, had RSVP’d wedding guests failed to materialise, one would have expected the worst — a car crash, serious illness, a family death....

Dear Mary... Q. My husband and I were guests at a five-day house party in Scotland. Most of the other guests were heavy drinkers and on the first night one of them actually entered our bedroom in the middle of the night and got into our double bed with us. Neither of us slept well after this because there was no lock on the door and we were on tenterhooks every night in case there should be a repeat incident. Everyone parted on the best of terms and we did enjoy the holiday, but we returned from it shattered. We are soon to go for a weekend with a similar cast of characters and do not wish to become phobic, but feel it would be uncool were we to move furniture in our room so as to form a blockade at the door. How can we discourage nocturnal incursions?W.W. and D.W., London SW3 A.

Dear Mary... Q. My wife and I have had a number of people to stay at our seaside house this summer. We are writers and since most of our friends are what would be called ‘arty types’ we are usually a very relaxed party. Nevertheless I still feel ill at ease when hosting breakfast in pyjamas, which is usually the case, because of the insecure aperture of the traditional pyjama trouser. Should one inadvertently give offence, what is the correct apology? How do other men manage to keep the aperture from gaping when in mixed company? C.B., Aldeburgh, Suffolk A.

Dear Mary... Q. I am shortly to attend a wedding. My problem is that I feel uneasy about kissing the bride as she stands in the receiving line because I am very aware of the dozens, if not hundreds, of lips that will have distributed various germs on to the same area of cheek I will be kissing myself. Would it be in order to make a little joke of my neurosis, bring out a facial cleaning wipe and dab her cheek with it before planting my kiss? Might she, indeed, be grateful to me for stripping off some of these accumulated DNA samples?P.E., Pewsey, Wilts A. The bride will not appreciate your removal of her carefully applied make-up or fake tan.

Dear Mary... Q. I was entertaining a friend to drinks one evening after the pub. When he left (at approximately 1 a.m.) he called up to me from the pavement to say that as he was leaving he had heard one of my neighbours (there are six flats in the building) complaining about the noise coming from my flat. I had been playing music and I concede that — although not greatly loud — it could have been heard by others at this quiet time of day. Naturally, I turned it off. In the morning I woke up to find that I had no electricity in the flat. On further investigation, I discovered that one of my neighbours had turned off my electricity supply at the meter box in the common part of the house.

Dear Mary... Q. I have a six-bedroom house in Thorpeness to which I normally retire during the month of August. My problem is that there is no washing line and no way to dry sheets other than in a tumble-drier which is very noisy and, of course, unecological. With innumerable families proposing themselves to come for one or two nights during the month, would it be acceptable for me to ask people if they would mind sleeping in sheets that have already been slept in once or twice by other people, especially when most of those other people will have been children? I don’t like to ask people to bring their own sleeping bags, not only because they are a nuisance to carry but also because I find they are sweaty and uncomfortable to sleep in and I would not want my guests to be unhappy.A.

Dear Mary... Q. With reference to the problem of middle-aged women clad in low-slung jeans with thongs akimbo (25 June), perhaps a poem to cure ‘sartorial lapses’ might be more effective?Sure, deck your lower limbs in pants:Yours are the limbs, my sweeting.You look divine as you advance —Have you seen yourself retreating?Published by Ogden Nash in 1931 when he was looking at something very different. A translation into German is needed in this area where most of the women behind their shopping trolleys are hugely pear-shaped — and the first sighting of a G-string last week attracted a long queue at the check-out.M.L., Neustadt/Haardt, Germany A. Thank you. The Ogden Nash reminder is welcomed.

Dear Mary... Dear Mary... Q. I have a six-week-old baby and have been invited to a lunch party by a neighbour. It was going to be my chance to meet all the other mothers in the street and chat about schools and so on. Now another mother has rung to say that she is bringing her 18-month-old son, with chickenpox, to the party, adding, ‘Everyone else’s children will be at school but I thought I should just warn you in case you might prefer not to come if you are worried about your baby possibly catching it.’ Am I right in thinking that this mother should be the one to stay at home, rather than ordering another mother to do so? I was so surprised by her call that I thanked her and said I would probably stay at home, but what should I have said, Mary?

Dear Mary... Q. Our son and his fiancée are getting married in Pretoria, South Africa, later this year, although they both live in London, where they have their established home. They would prefer guests not to give them presents they would be unable to cope with in their small flat in Pretoria, and shipping gifts back from RSA would prove especially problematic and costly. How can they say politely and nicely, without offence, that they would prefer financial gifts to help with the proposed refurbishment of their kitchen rather than ‘another toaster’? I know you will know what to do, Mary.M.E., Cyprus A. Practical though the suggestion may be, many wedding guests will bridle if asked to hand over cash rather than a present. It’s the unsubtlety they resent.

Dear Mary... Q. My student stepson from my recent re-marriage and I are very different people. His mother worries that our relationship will suffer if I am too unkind to the boy, but he drives her crackers too! We have an excellent Italian restaurant locally which does a varied, fixed price, early-evening menu. Every time he joins us there, he asks to have the one dish which attracts a supplement, whatever the choices. I am never sure whether this is an immature belief that most expensive is best, or a challenge of some kind. I am unwilling to fall out with my wife or even the boy irretrievably over £2 or £3, but if there were a way to affect this behaviour without lasting damage, I would appreciate your creative input. C.W., Glasgow A.

Dear Mary... Q. The new fashion of women wearing pants (sic) that do not fit properly and reveal their underwear is in full flight here. There is no hope for the young, who will slavishly follow whatever is in fashion, regardless of how stupid it looks. However, we have a friend in her late thirties or early forties. She is still quite an attractive women for her age, but not so attractive that she should be wearing these sorts of things. What can we say to her, without appearing to be perverts or fuddy-duddies, to stop her wearing her pants so that her g-string underpants and the top part of her buttocks are showing to all and sundry?M. and K.M., Queensland, Australia A. One school of thought holds that people’s sartorial lapses should be welcomed, not suppressed.

Dear Mary... Q. Let me offer a variant on your wet towel advice (21 May). My partner and I were married for more than 60 years between us, but not to each other, so we came to this new and lovely relationship with many years’ experience of how not to do things. It became apparent early on that I was now living with a habitual towel-dropper, which in the past would have caused friction. One lesson we have both learnt is to look for jolly opportunities to communicate feelings of love and care. Towel-dropping provided one. Our arrangement is that I insist on picking it up for her every day as a silent statement of love.

Dear Mary... Q. In the 28 May edition of The Spectator you state that ‘a rector enjoys superior rank to a vicar’. While this may be true in popular mythology, it is quite wrong as far as the Church of England is concerned. The different titles merely reflect the source of an incumbent’s income in the Middle Ages. A rector held glebe land sufficient to provide an independent income. A vicar was paid a stipend by someone else — most commonly a monastic foundation. A wealthy religious house might pay a vicar more than a rector could scrape together from personal farming or rents. Since the Reformation, there has been no difference between rectors and vicars except the history of their benefices.

Q. I own a holiday cottage in Padstow in Cornwall. Sometimes I let the cottage, at other times I allow friends to stay there. I employ a local cleaning agency to come in on Monday mornings to clean up after each occupancy and get it ready for the incoming parties. My problem is that recently a great friend of mine, who is very fastidious, stayed in the cottage and informed me that she had left the place spotless on her departure — yet I still had the usual bill from the cleaning agency. It now occurs to me that other occupants may be equally fastidious, but since I live in London I have no means of checking. How can I avoid being had for a mug, Mary?B.T., London W12 A. The cleaning ladies are only human.

Dear Mary... Q. I own a holiday cottage in Padstow in Cornwall. Sometimes I let the cottage, at other times I allow friends to stay there. I employ a local cleaning agency to come in on Monday mornings to clean up after each occupancy and get it ready for the incoming parties. My problem is that recently a great friend of mine, who is very fastidious, stayed in the cottage and informed me that she had left the place spotless on her departure — yet I still had the usual bill from the cleaning agency. It now occurs to me that other occupants may be equally fastidious, but since I live in London I have no means of checking. How can I avoid being had for a mug, Mary?B.T., London W12 A. The cleaning ladies are only human.

Dear Mary... My husband and I have been invited to stay for Royal Ascot-at-York this year with an old friend who lives close to the racecourse and with whom we have stayed many times before on non-racing occasions. The invitation was extended some months ago, but I have just received a letter from our hostess saying that she hopes we will understand but, given the considerable expense of hosting a house party, she will be making a charge for our visit. The charge she proposes is not insubstantial and, added to the cost of our travelling to York, along with the Ascot clothes and other expenses, means it is going to be a very pricey outing.

Dear Mary... Q. A man I cannot avoid at drinks parties is now sixtysomething and, after years of having been highly sought after by women, now lives without a woman and so has lost it slightly in terms of his personal grooming. That does not bother me. What does bother me is that he has a habit of chomping on nuts, crisps, canapes, whatever is available, but carrying on talking at the same time and consequently spraying the face of his interlocutor with quite substantial pellets of food. He seems to be gloriously unaware of the fact that he is doing this. How can I, without being unkind, discourage this barrage? On my most recent meeting some of the contents of his mouth were actually projected into mine.Name and address withheld A.

Dear Mary... Q. My wife and I have been invited to an election-night party being given by neighbours of the opposite political persuasion to ourselves. We are very fond of these people but they are very much New Order and we are very much Old, so, to keep things harmonious, the subject of politics is normally given a wide berth. However, we cannot get out of attending this party. Should the worst happen and it becomes clear that New Labour will be swept back into office, how can we keep the despair and bitterness from registering on our faces and remain gracious during what will be a four-to-five hour alcohol-fuelled marathon? Name and address withheld A. Lay your cards on the table at your earliest opportunity by announcing that you and your wife are Tories.

Dear Mary... Q. Further to your letter regarding the telephone habits of foreigners, would they by any chance be Greek? Married for 20 years to a Greek, I am aware that no convention attaches at all to what we consider to be good manners. Calls will be placed and accepted at any place and any time without restraint on the length, volume or banality of the discussion. I have regularly been to dinner parties where invitees settle on the sofa, among other guests, and as many as two or three of them will make outgoing calls which are manifestly not urgent. Remonstration is received with puzzlement as there is no recognition of any rudeness.R. McM., by email A.

Dear Mary... Q. My sister-in-law, whom I am fond of and who is very generous, has an annoying habit of inviting herself to the house whenever she likes, usually at very short notice. Each summer there is a music festival in a village near me. She happened to call on me last year at that time, and went with me to several of the events. Now she keeps saying, ‘I must come down again for the music festival’ as though it were a fait accompli. I have arranged a house party for the weekend in question and do not have any more room. She cannot take a hint, and if I tell her about the house party she will simply say either that she’ll come for the day or stay in a nearby hotel, making me feel very guilty. How should I deal with this, Mary?Name and address withheld A.