Madeline Grant

It’s not often the Prime Minister gets a derisive laugh from the House of Commons for telling them that he had meetings with ministerial colleagues that morning. However No. 10 making a complete hash of a coup against the PM (or was it actually a pre-emptive coup against the Health Secretary?) meant that once again Sir Keir was in the chamber having to answer questions about the chaos caused by his government outside. The No. 10 debacle is really good stuff The No. 10 debacle is really good stuff. These people can’t even commit governmental suicide properly. This was the Day of Dupes meets Mean Girls, meets the Chuckle Brothers. Of course it’s only the latest in a string of embarrassments this week.

The BBC’s editing scandal has reached the House of Commons. Culture Secretary Lisa Nandy made a statement by the government this evening on the ongoing crisis, which is fortunate given the Starmer administration are known as bywords for probity, competence and even-handedness: ‘Same Teir for Everyone Keir’ as the PM is popularly known. There needed to be ‘firm, swift and transparent action’ from the BBC, according to Nandy. Receiving that advice from this government of all people is a real gut punch. Like being overtaken on the M6 by the Flintstones car. There are Saharan sandbanks which are quicker, swifter and more transparent than HM’s government.

One of the things we ought to consider more in judging politicians is whether they add to the gaiety of the nations. Does Kemi Badenoch? Alas no. Does Ed Davey? He thinks he does but doesn’t. Does Sir Keir Starmer add to the gaiety of nations? Actually, probably best not to answer that. Labour’s front bench are a uniquely humourless lot; generally the cabinet look like the finalists of a lemon-sucking competition. One exception, who brings a sort of high-grade bumbling to everything he does, is David Lammy.

Short of dressing the former Duke of York in a Carmen Miranda-style fruit headdress and attaching two Catherine wheels to each of his buttocks, the Labour party couldn’t have done much more to draw attention to one famous pal of Jeff Epstein this week – from threatening bills on the line of succession to the Secretary of State for Defence’s briefing that the former prince will have his naval ranks stripped from him. Thank heavens for that; it’s well known, of course, that no sexual deviant ever served in the Royal Navy. This is a fascinating tactic from the Labour party which reveals two truths. One: they believe the general public to be intensely stupid. Two: that some of their number are even stupider than we previously thought.

In the midst of all the slip ups, the corruption and the lies, you might have forgotten the most consequential piece of legislation this government is forcing through Parliament. The assisted suicide bill has passed from the bony, blundering hands of the Grim Leadreaper and into the doughy, smothering mitts of Lord Falconer as it makes its way through the House of Lords. Unsurprisingly, given the legislation makes back of a fag packet shopping lists look like Magna Carta, their lordships have been giving it a kicking in committee. In some ways it’s a difficult subject to sketch; the stakes are unbelievably high for the poor, the sick, the disabled. Then again, the people behind it are much easier to mock. Take the aptly named Baroness Hayter.

‘That’s the difference a Labour government makes!’ The Prime Minister has taken to ending the self-congratulatory rants he deploys in lieu of answers in the House of Commons with this irritating catchphrase. As if the colony of gremlins currently running the country are to be advertised to us like 1950s household goods. One can imagine Sir Keir, strapped into a pinny, removing a burned cake from the oven, turning to the camera and saying, ‘that’s the difference a Labour government makes!’ He wheeled out this supremely annoying verbal tic a number of times at Prime Minister’s Questions. The problem with it, of course, is that most of the differences a Labour government makes are negative ones. A difference is being felt for sure, just not a good one.

Hadush Kebatu’s Magical Mystery Tour of North London was the subject of this afternoon’s debate in the Commons. In a scandal which may as well have been permanently accompanied by the Benny Hill theme tune, the police and prison service conspired accidentally to release the Ethiopian schoolgirl-botherer onto the streets of Chelmsford on Friday, followed by a two-day tour of the capital’s parks. I wonder what trip Mr Kebatu has planned next? A wander around Windsor? Inevitably this raised questions in Parliament. Kebatu isn’t alone: both Channel migrant numbers and accidental releases of the mad, bad and dangerous have risen precipitously under Labour.

Have you ever wondered what a less competent Rachel Reeves would be like? If you’re a small business owner, the London Stock Exchange or Sir Keir Starmer, it’s presumably the sort of thing that keeps you up at night. Yet it isn't just a thing of nightmares – this concept exists in the flesh in the form of Reeves’s sister Ellie. The younger Reeves makes the Chancellor look like Bismarck. The younger Reeves makes the Chancellor look like Bismarck She has recently been awarded the role of Solicitor General, which makes her sound like a very senior cottager. Although, frankly, having George Michael, John Gielgud or the bloke who played Old Man Steptoe would have been an improvement at the dispatch box.

When John Profumo had to resign due to scandalous behaviour, he famously went to clean lavatories. Angela Rayner, by contrast, has been up to goodness knows what. Perhaps she’s been clothes shopping, appearing as she did today in the house, for the first time in ages, wearing an identical suit to Rachel Reeves.  As the disgraced former deputy prime minister rose to speak, Labour MPs let out an almighty yell of approval. The last person to give Angela Rayner a cheer like that was probably her mortgage lender. A vast number of MPs had turned up to give their support – including what looked like half the cabinet’s big guns, if you can call them that.

Samworth Brothers are the biggest producers of pork pies in Britain. Or so they claim. I suspect they will find at the end of this financial year that they have very stiff competition from a new producer in the field, Sir Keir Rodney Starmer. Except it isn’t just porkies that Sir Keir indulges in. Today we saw the full gamut of his honesty allergy: evasion, obfuscation, straw-manning and gaslighting were all deployed as he wriggled and squealed like it was Melton Mowbray market day. The specific topic which gave us this show of Sir Keir at his worst was China. While he’s been busy in Egypt, being batted off by Donald Trump and watching Adolescence for the fifty-thousandth time, yet another scandal has been quietly enfolding his listing and useless government.