KJ Lamb

‘He’s not the messiah, he’s a very northern boy.’

Une hosepipe

‘You call that a great fall?’

‘I’ve redacted in order to protect identities.’

‘He’s been sent home for politicising the egg and spoon race.’

‘I’d like my upper lip stiffened, but leave a wobble in the lower one to show I’m in touch with my emotions.’

Guess the name of the next PM

‘I’m sorry, Marjorie – I just don’t have the headspace for this.’

‘This is Kevin – my personal shoplifter.’

‘I’m worried that people won’t like me now they’re finding out about my dark side’

‘Would you like a non-overtly-Christian hot bun?’

‘So, what’s our next move?’

‘It’s a rough area.’

‘Well everyone – Norman’s definitely a man.’

‘How influencer-endorsed is the duck?’

It followed her to school one day, which was not against the rules as it was her support animal

‘May I bet on your vote?’

From our US edition