Cockburn

Kamala Harris fulfilled her duty as vice president by answering questions about Biden’s decision to cancel student loan debts on Monday. Ha. Just kidding. Did Cockburn get you? Once again, it seems that any meaningful words have escaped her. While Kamala and Second Gentleman Doug Emhoff (still the funniest title ever) made an appearance for the Artemis 1 launch in Florida on Monday — which, in true Democratic Party fashion, was later aborted — a Fox News reporter rightly asked her why the Biden administration hasn’t bothered to tell Americans where the money will come from for the loan cancellations.

It’s been less than a week since the trailer for Gutsy, Hillary and Chelsea Clinton’s new Apple TV+ docu-series, was released — and now the former FLOTUS is seeking other means of stealing the limelight. On Sunday, she told Finnish prime minister Sanna Marin to “keep dancing,” in what seemed to be a selfless act of support for a fellow #girlboss. Forgive Cockburn for his cynicism but he can’t help but wonder if Hillary wants to make this all about her, seeing as the leaked video of the Finnish PM drunkenly dancing with friends was published online, er, twelve days ago. In a Twitter post, the ex-presidential candidate wrote: As Ann Richards said, "Ginger Rogers did everything that Fred Astaire did. She just did it backwards and in high heels.

Cockburn is no stranger to chaos, in fact, his career depends on it. But even he wasn't prepared for the clusterfuck that ensued during Florida’s primary elections this week. The last few years have been a testament to the fact that anything can happen in US politics, but Cockburn was shocked to hear that Laura Loomer, the conspiracy theorist who claimed that mass shootings in Parkland and Santa Fe were staged, lost to Dan Webster by a mere six points. Running in the Republican primary for Florida’s 11th congressional district, it seems that Loomer gained traction with the gerontocracy. But does the retirement community and Republican stronghold really know who they endorsed? I mean, Loomer makes Alex Jones look sane.

For a profession more hated than telemarketers and meter maids, last week the Internal Revenue Service put up a job ad that sounded so cool it even made Cockburn consider it. The IRS is in the market for a Special Agent, specifically one that can fire a gun and is “willing to use deadly force if necessary,” for its law enforcement division, Criminal Investigation (CI). The agency is set to double in size and is recruiting more staff following the passage of the Inflation Reduction Act, a Democratic spending bill which President Biden is set to sign today.

As Cockburn scrolled through the gossip about Kim Kardashian's latest breakup (this time with Pete Davidson), he couldn't help but think of her show, a sloppy soap opera/reality TV series where drama runs with tear-stained makeup. Sound familiar? Cockburn couldn't help but think of Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. After all, lately there's been enough drama in her family to fill at least three seasons of runtime (at a conservative estimate, of course). Pelosi, having successfully returned home from her long-awaited trip to Taiwan, is now engaging in another slap-fight with Xi Jinping. In an interview on NBC’s Today, she said of the trip, “Yes, it was worth it,” and “[Xi] is in a fragile place...he’s acting like a scared bully.