Alexander Larman

The winner of the contest to design a memorial to the late Elizabeth II has been announced, and it’s not very good. When the shortlist of five designs was unveiled last month, the most striking feature of the various hopefuls was how little they had to say about the much-loved Queen, or the country she ruled over. Instead, they were empty displays of kitsch, with the only halfway palatable one being Tom Stuart-Smith’s design of an oak tree from Windsor Great Park. Had that been picked, I would have shrugged and sighed, but at least it was inoffensive enough.

Well, you can’t say that we weren’t warned. Repeatedly. At the beginning of this week, the Duchess of Sussex wrote in a subscriber newsletter, in that inimitably faux-chummy way that she has perfected: First off, a sincere thank you for making the debut of As Ever absolutely extraordinary. We had a feeling there would be excitement, but to see everything sell out in less than an hour was an amazing surprise. We are pleased to share that on 20 June, we're going live with the products you love – plus, some new delicious surprises.  ‘Absolutely extraordinary’ is one way of describing the profoundly underwhelming launch of a few pieces of overpriced tat.

The announcement, when it came, was a strangely botched one. The official Ascot carriage list had stated at 12 p.m. that the Prince and Princess of Wales would be riding in the second carriage in the royal procession, accompanied by their friends Mr and Mrs Justin Rose. It was already known that Prince William would be presenting the prizes at today’s race meeting, so there was inevitable excitement at his presence and that of his wife. Catherine always brings a touch of glamour to whatever occasion she graces, helped by, of course, the finest couture that money could buy.

The late Brian Wilson, who has died aged 82, once had his songs, which included modern-day classics such as ‘God Only Knows’ and ‘Good Vibrations’, described as 'pocket symphonies to God'. For just about any other artist, such a description would be grandiloquent tosh. Yet in the case of Wilson, who struggled with personal demons that all but consumed him after a brief, brilliant flourish of early success, such praise is entirely justified. It is little wonder that his friend and rival Paul McCartney was inspired to write Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band after hearing the Beach Boys’ masterpiece Pet Sounds for the first time. That album was thrillingly alive to the possibilities of what pop music could be and transformed American culture forever.

Say what you like about the Duchess of Sussex – and I try to  – but she has a knack for coming up with the provocative. While the world is still reeling from the recent video of her twerking (and a thousand thinkpieces solemnly debating exactly whether she has a right to twerk or not), she has returned a few days later with news that is both entirely unexpected and grimly predictable. Meghan is considering parlaying her 'As Ever' lifestyle and homeware range into a series of restaurants and – be still my beating heart – hotels.  Although details of this potential hospitality empire are as yet sketchy, it has been reported that the brand has been trademarked with a view to providing 'hospitality services'.

Arise, Sir Goldenballs. Next week, David Beckham will finally become Sir David in the King’s birthday honours, which in turn will mean that his wife will become Lady Victoria Beckham. Once, when she was best known for being the pop songstress Posh Spice – and he was most famous for being an unusually petulant Manchester United footballer – this would have seemed like a ridiculous state of affairs; the monarchy pandering to celebrity at its most naked and obvious. It may be a sign of how Britain, rather than the Beckhams, has changed over the intervening decades that the only observation that many might have about the award is why it has taken so long to be bestowed.

There are some sights that nobody should ever be forced to see, lest they be forced into a lifetime of therapy-intensive PTSD. To this list should be added a video of Meghan, Duchess of Sussex twerking. For some unfathomable reason, Meghan and Harry decided to mark their daughter Lilibet’s fourth birthday by posting a video on Instagram that featured the heavily pregnant expectant mother gyrating wildly in a hospital room to a song called ‘Baby Mama’, in apparent recreation of a (checks notes) TikTok trend.  I assumed at first that it was an AI-created spoof, and that litigation from this never knowingly under-lawyered couple would be coming soon. But no.

As his younger son conducts an attention-seeking trip to China, it was King Charles, addressing Canada’s House of Commons and Senate, who showed how a calm, dignified approach to public life pays far greater dividends than empty point-scoring. The King has been a popular and welcome figure in Canada since he arrived with the Queen on a brief visit yesterday; the enthusiastic greetings from tens of thousands of Canadians was no mere piece of theatre. Charles's oft-forgotten status as King of Canada has been foremost in people’s minds, thanks to the carefully and adroitly handled pageantry surrounding him, but it was his set-piece speech in the Senate in Ottawa that was the most anticipated aspect of his appearance. It did not disappoint.