Satire

The New York City Board of Tourism would like to encourage all Americans to consider spending their summer vacation in Ghostly New York, the Nightmare Capital of the World!Come for our world-renowned shuttered restaurants, our extinct nightlife, our empty theaters, and closed museums. Stay because you got murdered by an antifa activist!The Rotting Apple still offers the world's most unique shopping experience. See something in that Macy’s window that catches your eye? Just throw a brick and take it — we’ll even supply pallets of official I ❤️ NY bricks outside your favorite retailers. Take one home as a souvenir!For all you senior citizens out there, Gov.

Portland, OregonWhen I heard about the murder of George Floyd, I was angry. I raged at the sky for seven days and seven nights, demanding it rain down rocks of burning fury upon the Minneapolis Police Department. As I watched the news and saw rioters had set buildings alight, I felt in a roundabout way that my prayers had been answered. But this vigilante vengeance, as justified as it was, was not enough. Nothing could ever be the same again. Things have to change* (*at this point, I would like you to imagine me saying ‘Things have to change’ with a fiercely sincere expression on my face while being filmed in black and white against an emotive soundtrack for extra significance).For this reason, the Capital Hill Autonomous Zone (or CHAZ) in Seattle has been established.

Unless you have been living under a rock for the past few weeks, you will have been exposed to the bloodcurdling realization that the world’s (previously) most beloved author, J.K. Rowling, has outed herself as a transphobe, or ‘TERF’ (trans exclusionary radical feminist). After a shockingly bigoted rant on her Twitter feed, followed by a blog post in which she doubled-down on her hatred (I didn’t read it because the things it said were far too upsetting, but I’ve been told it’s filled with unspeakable hate and as such has been named ‘The Blog That Must Not Be Read’).

Portland, OregonThe one resounding call from Black Lives Matter protesters in the wake of George Floyd’s death has been ‘defund the police’. This is a rallying cry I am 100 percent on board with. In an unprecedented move, Minneapolis City Council has chosen to see sense and formally announced plans to dismantle the Minneapolis Police Department and committed to establishing a new community-led system. This is exciting news, and sets a precedent for this model to be repeated around the world. However, many people (racists) are criticizing this bold strategy of tearing down the fascist state, because they simply cannot imagine their lives without the comforting restrictions living under an oppressive authoritarian regime brings them.

My name is Matilda Olofsson and I am Greta Thunberg’s arch-nemesis. For every positive action her climate activism encourages, I have taken it upon myself to cause an equally negative reaction. For example, when Greta challenged world leaders to address the issue of reducing carbon emissions with her famous ‘HOW DARE YOU?’ speech, I marched straight down to my local park and chastised a bunch of kids for riding around on push bikes when limousines exist. So naturally, when I heard of Greta's inclusion on a CNN coronavirus 'facts and fears' panel I was livid.

Most of us have known about coronavirus for around four months, but already it has revolutionized everything that came before it. Age-old institutions and customs are dead, and the world will never look the same. There is precedent for this, of course. Before the so-called ‘Spanish Flu’, which emerged in 1918, young men had had a curious coming of age ritual in which they sat together in holes in the ground and fired guns at groups of young men from other countries. Soon, these men preferred to ‘socially distance’ themselves in armored vehicles. Normal life had been disrupted.Normal life is being disrupted again. Nothing will ever look the same. But how will it look? What will the ‘new normal’ involve in the coronavirus age?

What’s the next logical step for Prince Harry and Meghan Markle after promising never to work with four of Britain’s biggest tabloids after incursions into their privacy? Collaborating with friendlier journalists for a tell-all biography, of course! Yes, Meghan and Harry are supposedly giving their side of the story for Thoroughly Modern Royals: The Real World Of Harry And Meghan, a new book by Omid Scobie and Carolyn Durand. Intrepid investigator Lisa Graves has uncovered the account of her life that the Duchess of Sussex provided to the two reporters... Every little girl dreams of meeting her Prince Charming. I was no different. We are taught from an early age that meeting the perfect man should be the most important goal in our lives.

Florida Hullo, readers. I’m down Florida way for a bit of warm weather. The Bermuda Race Organizing Committee has been commandeered by a coterie of crapulous ingrates, leaving your correspondent on the outs. Nothing a little R&R can’t cure, but I’m sour. I hate trekking up to Newport for nothing. I’m in no mood for correspondence, but an interested reader inquired some days ago how I fell into journalism. I shall endeavor to answer. Stick me on a psychiatrist’s sofa and I’ll happily discuss my lifelong love of loquacity. It maddened Mother, who labeled me an ‘ecstatic’ child. She would be equal parts unsurprised and appalled by this hobby. Fortunately she doesn’t read this magazine.

March 26, 2020‘New York is always hopeful,’ wrote Dorothy Parker, ‘Always it believes that something good is about to come off, and it must hurry to meet it.’ That is the New York I know and the New York I love. Now the city is ravaged by coronavirus, but that hope lives on. A little of it lives in me as well — even if I have left for my dad's place in the Hamptons.March 27, 2020‘What’s true of all the evils in the world is true of plague as well,’ wrote Camus in La Peste, ‘It helps men to rise above themselves.’ Why men, I wondered? Perhaps because women do not need to rise above themselves. They are transcendent already.March 28, 2020Am I suffering from coronavirus or aloneavirus?

As soon as the lockdown guidelines were announced across the UK last week, I made the decision to move back in with my parents. As you can imagine after three years at university, this has been a somewhat challenging situation to adjust to! It has been made even more testing due to the fact father has had to lay off many of the staff due to them calling in sick. We are down to one cook and a mere handful of cleaners. It’s a nightmare! Thankfully we have a solid internet connection and I have been able to occupy myself on social media the past few days. I say ‘occupy’, but that’s more of an understatement. It’s been more of an essential lifeline to me.

Cockburn attended Joe Biden’s virtual press conference on Wednesday afternoon. As he struggled to keep his eyes open, he noticed a small piece of paper by Biden’s elbow — a list of names, written in a shaky hand. So Cockburn screenshotted it, then turned his desktop upside down. Here’s Joe Biden’s shortlist for America’s first female vice president:  Eleanor Roosevelt Why sandbag the Senate when you can handbag it? Mrs Roosevelt is a rising star of the Democratic left’s woke wing. She’s never seen in public without her handbag, and it’s crammed with big plans for the post-COVID-19 bounce-back.

For the past few days on his Twitter feed, Donald Trump has repeatedly referred to the COVID-19 pandemic as ‘the Chinese virus’ or ‘the China virus’. In almost every press conference he has attended, he has doggedly used the terms ‘China virus’ and ‘Chinese virus’, despite criticism. I cannot stress enough how important it is that the media refrains from co-opting these shockingly racist epithets.It’s obvious to me why Trump is doing this.

This article is in The Spectator’s March 2020 US edition. Subscribe here.Portland, Oregon My pansexual cisgender nonbinary friend Chrysanthia (pronouns: she/her/they/thym) called to tell me she had some exciting news, and would I meet her for a coffee? Off I went, wondering what her announcement could be. As we cradled Espresso Loco’s hot and eco-friendly cups of locally sourced, organic Locolatte, Chrysanthia could contain her excitement no longer. She withdrew from her hemp satchel a used pregnancy test and thrust the urine-encrusted paddle into my face. Once my eyes had stopped stinging, I could see that it was positive. ‘OMG, are you serious?!’ I asked, my eyes filling with hot tears. ‘Yes!’ she cried ecstatically.

As the COVID-19 pandemic permeates its way across the globe like toxic right wing opinions at a Trump rally, the world’s largest media outlets hunker down to cover its progress. Every day I find my social media inundated with advice and information pertaining to the virus and its potential deadly effects on the elderly, people with pre-existing respiratory ailments, and the immunocompromised. I’ve come across plenty of articles warning anyone over a certain age who suffers from COPD to stay away from crowds of people. I’ve seen guides on what to do if you’re a cancer patient in the middle of chemotherapy.

Sunday March 8 is the most important day of the year for women all over the world: International Womxn’s Day (and if you have difficulty pronouncing that, congratulations, you are a bigot). Yes, Sunday is the day when ALL women are recognized, not just the ones with biologically recognized female parts. Chaka Khan famously sang: 'I’m every woman'. Thankfully today she would be called out as the TERF she is because the correct term is ‘womxn’ (at a push I will except ‘womyn’, but I would require prior notice in order for me to set my acceptance levels to ‘moderate’).‘Womxn’ is being increasingly acknowledged as a more inclusive term when it comes to the complexities of contemporary gender recognition.

A TikTok video has been doing the rounds on Twitter the past 48 hours, and I feel I must express to you the level of disgust it has induced in me. The footage in question is of a black drag queen dancing seductively in front of a rather frightened-looking small child (around six years of age) as her (presumably) parents and other adults watch the scene unfold before them while smiling and cheering encouragement towards the drag artist.  https://twitter.com/MaryMargOlohan/status/1233398234028167168 Now I trust that you will be just as appalled by this as I was, otherwise there really is no decency left in the world.

I remember the ceremony as if it were yesterday. I was six-years-old. It was a beautiful summer’s afternoon in the forest clearing where my parents and I lived in an anti-capitalist pagan countercultural commune. The sun’s rays danced playfully around the lilies in my mother’s crown, while a gossamer-winged butterfly flitted gracefully above father’s hemp yashmak. The High Priestess held aloft the skull from a dismembered deer carcass which had died of natural causes, and we all wept. As we each gave thanks to the Oak King by placing one of our teeth on the sanctified Tree Stump of Renewal, I felt an unwavering connection to Gaia.