I am a big fan of MasterChef, and particularly love the Australian version. It features fewer foams and tweezer-assisted arrangements of wildflowers, and more actual food. They have fun – and they don’t take themselves as seriously as some British contestants do. So when I heard that Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, was to make a cameo appearance as a guest judge on the programme, I was appalled, and yet intrigued.
I don’t know whether you’ve noticed, but the duchess is a woman who, if she had fewer brain cells and any less charisma, would need watering twice daily. I’ve often noted that vacuous people tend to enjoy vacuous food – but not, apparently, Meghan. She loves MasterChef and ‘being able to nurture through food’, she cooed to the camera as she arrived on the show at the weekend. Does that mean she’ll stop calorie-counting long enough to get down and dirty with a thick rib-eye doused in bone marrow gravy? I wouldn’t bet your As Ever jam on it.
Over the years, Meghan has impressed upon us her love of acai bowls, green juices, chopped salad and – her big favourite – grilled fish tacos. Not an awful lot to get excited about there (incidentally, nothing I’ve ever seen tackled on MasterChef Australia). Edible flowers are, as you will know if you managed to sit through her Netflix series With Love, Meghan, a favourite – but the most exciting moment of that show was her ‘confession’ that Harry doesn’t like lobster.
We’ve also learned that one of her favourite things to prepare is ‘Tulip Toast’ – which is… toast, decorated with vegetables shaped to look like tulips. It’s a ‘tasty snack’, apparently. She also arranges fruit on platters, rainbow-style, and freezes edible flowers in ice cubes. Her popcorn dressed with truffle oil and parmesan left me feeling nauseous in series two. And, for some reason, she makes her own creamer (for coffee) from scratch. Oh, and there’s the ladybug crostini, arranged to resemble ladybirds for a children’s party.
Did her debut appearance as a MasterChef guest judge suggest any hitherto unsuspected hidden depths? No. It was 100 per cent cringe. Who else would admit to carrots and sprouts being their favourite vegetables? Just think of all the alternatives, such as sweetheart cabbage, exotic mushrooms, the sweetest, juiciest vine tomatoes, or crunchy green beans.
Did her debut appearance as a MasterChef guest judge suggest any hitherto unsuspected hidden depths? No. It was 100 per cent cringe
She could at least have tried to flex those acting muscles. When her phone rang and up popped Harry’s face (mainly his forehead, actually) on FaceTime, Meghan ‘forgot’ she was filming and picked up. Harry’s ‘Have I interrupted something important?’ brought laughter and gushing from the contestants in the room. I felt as if I’d gone back to the 1950s. That staged and scripted scene added nothing of value; on the contrary, it was embarrassing. The other judges, Sofia Levin and Poh Ling Yeow, looked on like a pair of giggling schoolgirls as Meghan affectionately called Harry a ‘charmer’. The big reveal was that UK native Harry likes to eat ‘meat, potatoes and cream sauce’ while she prefers grilled meat and lots of citrus.
To be honest, hosting Meghan (or Harry) wouldn’t make for my ideal dinner party. I might be short on guests anyway, as I’m not sure anyone I know would be willing to put up with her pedestrian conversation. Nevertheless, I did get to wondering what I’d cook for her. Definitely not fish in citrus sauce or brussels sprouts (which are apparently their children’s favourites). Perhaps, since she likes fresh herbs, I’d make a zingy salsa verde with lashings of lemon, loads of garlic, a few anchovies and the best olive oil. She could have it with grilled fish – maybe sardines or Dover sole. Or maybe I’d just serve up the finest ribeye steak with some creamy sauce and potato fondant, so she could see what she’s missing with all her California nonsense.
‘I loved watching all the guys connect,’ she enthused on MasterChef. ‘And just be proud of each other because they’ve worked really hard.’ She then went on to explain how she prefers to cook in a relaxed fashion, rather than competitively, offering the following sage advice to the competitors: ‘Just remember to have fun, and to keep a sense of humour about it.’
No cookery programme has ever left me so unhungry. It seems that Meghan enjoys preparing dishes that take at least four hours to make. Please, please – never lock me in a room with a TV showing her cooking in real time. I would feel weirdly compelled to watch.
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