Q. A gang of us have rented a house in Portugal. We have all been friends since school, but one of the boys has a girlfriend, whom we like except for the fact that she is in the habit of treating waiters badly. There is nothing that makes a table more uncomfortable than one member of the party being rude towards the people who are trying to help, and we are looking at a week of dinners in restaurants with her making us all nervous. Whenever we have begged her to stop, she ploughs on anyway saying that no one should let poor service or substandard food ruin their evening and we all need to be like her and ‘kick ass’. What can we do?
– P.T., Streatham, SW16
A. Nowadays when you make an online booking there is an option to add a message for the restaurant in advance. Use this tool to preempt any run-ins: ‘We are so looking forward to this. To pre-warn, one member of the party has the medical condition “hanger”. She can be irritable when hungry before dinner. Please do not take anything personally if she gets into one of these moods.’
Q. I am currently sitting opposite someone on the train who is chewing gum in a ghastly way with their mouth open. How can I communicate my displeasure without ‘creating an incident’?
– Johnny, London
A. It is worth buying mirrored sunglasses for travelling. Offenders are offended themselves when they see their image reflected back to them and will invariably stop whatever revolting habit they have been absentmindedly indulging in. If not equipped with mirrored sunglasses, your best bet is to pretend to be eating gum yourself – in an even more off-putting manner than theirs. The person opposite will be unable to stare fully into your mouth to see whether there is indeed gum in there, but they will register that open-mouthed chewing is a turn-off and stop it themselves.
Q. I have a converted VW van and am going to drive my daughter (aged 16) and her best friend to Spain for a camping holiday. My problem is that the
friend wears the most pungent cheap perfume, so that being sealed in a van with her is going to be very difficult. My daughter says under no circumstances can I ask the other girl not to wear the perfume, as it is ‘her whole identity’. What should I do?
– D.M., London N4
A. The answer is to buy some Vicks VapoRub. This is used by people dissecting corpses. Smear below your nose and the mentholatum will override the other odours in the van.
Write to Dear Mary at dearmary@spectator.co.uk
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