The imminent Birmingham jamboree will be my fifth Conservative Party Conference. I have yet to know a dull one. In 2022, everything was on fire; in 2023, I almost died of an overdose of paracetamol as the party marched towards the guns; in 2024, everyone was demob happy at being out of government, ahead in the polls and in the middle of a leadership election; in 2025, a miserable ghost town was transformed by the second coming of Kemi Badenoch. I have seen all there is to see. I am a veteran, an expert, a sensei. For those traipsing up to the Midlands, here are my tips for how to survive. In the spirit of our Political Editor, I have discovered the listicle.
1) Don’t go
My Birmingham pub is The Wellington – suitably Tory
In The Case for Conservatism, Quintin Hogg made the point that one of the defining quality of a Tory that sets them apart from the socialists is that politics is only the fourth or fifth most important thing in their life. He was writing in the late 1940s, when the party had two million members. Today, if you are a Tory member, you are sufficiently rare that the party refuses to publish the figures of your compatriots out of shame. By being committed enough to give up four days of your life to partayyy in Birmingham, you are proving yourself a crank, a loonie, a rando, a weirdo. You have so many better things you could be doing with your life. Understand that when an ex-MP is sick on your shoes at 3 AM.
2) Remember that this is not for you
But you’re still going. Because you’re a politics nerd, and it’s fun, and your fellow nerds are there. This is your chance to spend time among your tribe, pay homage to your idols, to rub shoulders with cabinet ministers, famous hacks, and knowledgeable wonks. But know that they are not there for you. Political conferences are supposed to be the moment when parties remember they are national forces serving their members. But the days when the party cared much beyond squeezing the members for cash until the pips squeak are long gone. Conferences are an excuse for people from SW1 who drink together most evenings anyway to go up to a different city for a few days and drink there, but this time on expenses. For the civilians, it’s a Potemkin exercise.
3) Don’t listen to the speeches
How to fill your days while use beautiful people are in the Hyatt? Back when giants ruled the Earth, and you had Boris Johnson, Theresa May, George Osborne and others using the conference stage to make their respective leadership pitches, speeches might have been worth sitting through. Now – in the unlikely event the Shadow Minister for Widgets says something extraordinary – you’ll be see it on Twitter in no time. So don’t bother going. If you want to hear what Andrew Griffith or Katie Lam have to say, attend one of their panels or receptions. At least there’s a chance there that you can ask them a question. Don’t stay and watch Badenoch’s speech if you’d rather catch an early train. If you’re a sadomasochist, watch it en route home. It’ll be familiar from any receptions she has done. Remember – nothing these people say really matters. It’s all a game to them. A very tiresome one.
4) Don’t overdose on paracetamol
Under no circumstances sit in a very warm tent for several hours presenting a panel on HS2, get a splitting headache, start popping paracetamol to deal with it, lose track of the number that you’ve had and then, in the words of the Telegraph’s Poppy Coburn, ‘look like death’. I had to host a two-hour roundtable on education white as a sheet and with the most catastrophic tummy ache that I’ve had since a teenage bout of appendicitis. Afterwards, I staggered half-dead back to my hotel room; it would have been curtains, had a long bath and a monstrous vindaloo with Tim Montgomerie not sorted me out. Conferences are for socialising, but don’t push yourself too hard. Get some sleep. The evenings are more valuable than than the daytime. If you want to nap, go ahead.
5) If you’re going to shag, do it in your hotel room
I get it. You’re a thrusting young Tory away from home in your best M&S suit. This is the only place in the world in which girls might be interested in hearing you talk about Stanley Baldwin and stamp duty. Your eyes meet across a Blue Beyond reception; she laughs at your joke about Mel Stride. You want to take things a step further. But for God’s sake, don’t do what Nicky Morgan suggested an amorous pair once tried, and shag in the loos. Nor do people want to see you necking in the Hyatt bar. Grow up and go to your hotel. Mysteriously reappear a few hours later looking worse for wear. Definitely don’t put a plaster over your massive hickey and tell people you cut yourself shaving.
6) Get as much crap merchandise as you can…
You will forget almost all the people that you meet or panels you attend at conference. But you will covet your can of Tom Tugendhat spray tan. It’s excellent for stripping paint and blinding cats.
7) …but do not buy the party stuff
You do not need another Margaret Thatcher tea towel. You do not need a ‘Kween Kemi’ mug. You do not need more pens, or place mats, or signed copies of Penny Mordaunt’s book. You are wasting money and making your house even more of a shrine to your peculiar political hobbies.
8) Eat
If you’re doing conference properly, you will need stomach lining. It’s Birmingham. Buy a cob, or demean yourself by queuing for a Subway. But eat. Because even if you pace yourself, you’re going to be on your feet for hours and hours, and you are going to be knackered. Don’t buy the stuff in the conference hall. Nobody should be paying £13 for a cold slice of pizza. But do make sure to enjoy the Conservative Friends of India curry. It’s superb. Thank you, Vishnu, for Bob Blackman.
9) Steal a spoon from the Conservative Friends of India reception
Self-explanatory.
10) Do not try and sneak into the Spectator party
You are not getting in.
11) Buy me a pint
Again, self-explanatory. My Birmingham pub is The Wellington – suitably Tory – but I can also be found at The Prince of Wales, the Hyatt, and various Wetherspoons, usually with Tom Jones.
12) Hide the spoon in a small tree in the lobby of your hotel
Don’t ask.
13) Have a spare pair of tights
I did not choose this one, but Alys Denby told me to include it. I do not wear tights, but I have met people at conference who do. Apparently Lara Brown gets through two a day. The more you know! Some people who wear them are also members of the LGBT Tories. Their disco on the last night is superb. If you aren’t dancing on the table with Alicia Kearns at 2 AM, you haven’t lived. It’s not the Sugababes, or even Boney M. But it is a fascinating insight into the personal habits of future MPs.
14) Be nice to the security people
It might take ages to get in, so always set off half an hour in advance of whichever event you want to attend. You can be late; they all start late. But you might still get held up. Do not use this as an excuse to lecture the helpers in lanyards and hi-vis about how important you are. They do not care who you write leaders for, how many followers you have, or which constituency you represent. They are doing their jobs. Treat them properly. Don’t be an arse.
15) Don’t flip a V sign at the protestors
The temptation is great. But someone will film it and put a video of you calling an anti-hunt whackjob a wanker on the internet. Your chance of future selection for a plum seat will plummet. Fortunately, there shouldn’t be too many protestors, now we’re out of government. But a good turnout of Gaza nutters and Remainiacs would at least suggest the ‘Badenoch Bounce’ is real. And if you wear your conference pass around Brum, you will be beaten up.
16) Ask a question. Don’t give a statement
On behalf of all fringe event organisers, for the love of God, please ask a question, not a statement. Nobody wants to hear you wittering on about the specifics of the vape shop on Bottom-under-Nowhere’s high street. Say your name. Where you are from. And ask one short, sharp question. Because they won’t cut you off. But they really, really want to. You are wasting their time.
17) Don’t be scared to meet your heroes
Never look up to anyone in politics. We’re all really boring and nobody has any idea what is going on. There is nothing special about someone just because they’re an MP or have been on Newsnight. If you start worshipping people in politics, disappointment can only beckon. Some of us can be great craic. But if you’re just going to ask us which tax we’d most like to cut or lecture us on why Andy Burnham is a moron, don’t bother. You’ll be being boring too. You don’t want to do that, because there’s still hope you’ll get a life, and that you will come and burst our pompous SW1 bubble. So don’t ever be shy about saying hello to someone that interests you. But just give us something new.
18) Explore the city
Parts of Birmingham can be quite grim. But if you’re willing to wade through the rubbish bags and asymmetric multiculturalism, there’s a lot to enjoy. The gallery and museum are fascinating. The Victorian buildings are a magnificent testament to the powerhouse the city once was. For a lot of attendees, this will be a rare opportunity to see the England that you will usually swerve. Don’t pass up this opportunity in order to make small talk with local councillors.
19) Trust the groupchat
You don’t want to be on your own walking around the conference hall. People will try and interview you for PoliticsDave and give you stickers supporting Shotguns For Landlords. Whether you want to tour the panels, attend a live podcast recording or simply celeb-spot, it’s best to have someone to accompany you. Please stop your self-described ‘trad-Cath uber-YIMBY’ friend from ending up in a national publication as the face of young Torydom. I did that once, but at least it was Tatler. Make sure you have a WhatsApp chat of your nearest and dearest. Hug them close. They’ll outlast SW1.
20) Have fun
Seriously. It’s great. I’m only negging because I love it. See you in Brum.
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