Paul Wood

‘His thyroid is fine, but everything else is underactive.’

‘Before I talk to him, check him for migrants.’

‘I got top Marx.’

‘Look, Joaquin! The great British bake-off!’

‘Great, innit, being a sporting superpower?’

‘We’ve just been on a staycation — we spent the whole week stranded at Dover.’

‘There’s been a change of plan. We’re going to need two venues…’

‘It’s come to our attention that you’re not a mother…’

‘I’m not racist, but…’

‘You’ve missed out all the LGBT stuff.’

‘And if you listen carefully you can hear another boat carrying migrants…’

‘All my begging is recorded for training purposes.’

‘One day I’ll be rich and famous and someone will do my texting for me.’

‘I’m sorry, but we don’t allow second homes.’

‘Hmm… it’s OK. Do you have one in uranium?’

‘I believe our MPs should be more transparent.’

‘Hello, FBI, can you unlock my daughter’s mind?’